It's hard to admit parental 'inadequacies'. This is a difficult diary to write, and contrary to my title, this is NOT a diary full of advice. Instead, i am writing this with an open heart, a lot of humility and i confess that i am fishing for strength.
and advice.
It began about 5 years ago, when i was introduced to the most beautiful little girl in the whole world, my daughter, Lily. No, no, i'm not here to argue - Lily IS definitely, by far, and by all conceivable measure, THE most beautiful little girl in the whole wide world! Now, that we've established that, let's move on.
She is soft spoken, and funny and kind and -
Let me explain. One of the things i vividly remember about my precious daughter is that at 2 years old, she would crawl out of her bed, go to her play kitchen, and i would be in my bed listening to the rattling of pots and pans (not plastic) and groaning as i tried to sleep through the noise. A few minutes later, she would be calling me trying to wake me up and saying: Mommy? Mommy, i made you brekfix.
That's the kind of little girl she is, and my guess is, it's the kind of woman she will grow up to be. It's just her personality. She's always trying to help, always asking if everyone has eaten, she delights in having the family in the same room together: Look Mommy, my whole family is here.
She didn't get that from me! And i don't get it.
and maybe that's part of the problem too; that i don't get it.
My daughter's personality presents a problem of sorts you see; she's too "nice".
This horrible realisation came upon me when my daughter befriended the neighbors son, Ed. Now Ed, seemed a little odd, but you try to chalk it up to personality. Ed's parents seem like nice people. In fact, so much so that we were happy to meet them, traded recipes, stories, furniture. One day, we were at our house and Lily and Ed were playing in the other room. There was an extended silence and we (my husband and I) grew concerned. My husband proceeded to the playroom and discovered that Ed had tied up Lily and taped up her whole face (including mouth and nose), and tada! she was completely naked.
Almost 2 years later this hurts to write, so forgive me if you think i'm making light here.
The little turd could have killed my daughter. Did i mention Ed is 1 year older than Lily. And Ed is very conscious of his own nudity. Ed will NEVER take even his shirt off to go into the pool if we're around. Ed had ALL his clothes on and was taping my child up.
and as a victim of sexual abuse myself i went numb. i felt like i had passed on a curse to my daughter.
I was angry. Mad as hell that i didn't see this kid WAS as weird as i thought. Angry that i didn't put an end to this friendship when i noticed him doing little weird things: sneaking into my dresser drawer, stealing the matches and lighting fires on my living room floor. Maybe, i'm the one who needs help saying "NO".
His parents acted like nothing had happened. I liked them, we had just moved in. I suggested that their son might (you think?!) have a problem. Off course he doesn't! they said.
We explained to Lily that taking clothes off like that was a no no. Lily is used to walking around the house as a "Nuni" (only underwear) in the summer. Lily was almost 3 at the time. Ed was 4. Lily said that Ed said "Let's play doctor."
My Lily has never been to the doctor (and i mean that literally, we're physicians), so she hasn't had that experience. I don't know what doctor's Ed's been to!
The next day, while we're still in shock and awe, they (the Jefferey Dharma family as we now call them) come by! And i hear little Ed/Jefferey whispering (or at least as much as a 4 year old can try to whisper):
Come on. Let's go hide.
So my very chatty and innocent daughter says: But why?
Jefferey: So i can tie you up and play doctor and no one can find us.
I swear to you, i wanted to drop a large boulder on that kid's head (and his parents too).
Lily: My Daddy doesn't like when you tie me up!
I smiled through my horror, then laughingly thought: Hey, i don't like it either. What about MOmmy!
So at this point you would think i would throw these people off my verandah. Oh no, we're still in shock. My husband and i hardly spoke for days. I regressed back to my old child abuse days.
Almost a year went by before we saw them again. There was a new standard for the play date from hell!
They stopped by. My stomach ached. I called my husband so that he could come home to help me keep an eye on Lily, who could not be out of my sight for a nanosecond. We could NOT go into the house because there were too many corners (and Ed is sneaky). So we had to constrain ourselves to the front of the yard. So there we sat, Ed's parents chatting away happily while we hurt as we watched and hoped that something in this kid had clicked and changed within the year.
Suddenly Lily disappeared. I could see Ed, but no Lily. The only thing that blocked my sight was the car. And there lying on the pavement was my daughter, looking unhappy.
What are you doing, i asked.
Nothing.
Well, we have to go make lunch now. We have to go. I said.
I mentioned it no more until bedtime.
I asked her if she had fun today.
Yes.
Blah blah blah.
And how come you were lying on the ground. Were you tired? Taking a nap?
Ed told me to.
So i proceeded to explain that she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to. She can say no. stop. I don't want to. I don't like this game.
And Lily turns to me and whispers: But Mommy, i'm afraid that it will hurt his feelings.
Broke my heart.
Why do girls do that?! After Ed, i tried to sign her up for Karate, she hates it, wants to dress up in a tutu and twirl around the floor with flowers in her hair. God, i want to cry.
I explained that a real friend is someone who loves her even after she says: No, stop, i don't want to, or i don't like that game.
A real friend wants to hear how she feels, and would want her to say if she likes a game or not.
what the hell am i doing wrong that my daughter does what this kid says, even when she doesn't want to?
And when my daughter said she was "afraid" of Ed, i knew that it was ME. Hey, i'm the one who says it's okay to put up with this shit. after all, i allowed him back to my home. And i also knew, that i had given them more than enough credit. It's time to just say enough to this family, to set an example for my child.
Question is really, How do we raise our daughters to speak up for themselves, say No, and not see it as contrary to being "nice." And what the hell am i doing wrong?
UPDATE: Through last night, and this morning i felt the beginnings of a great burden begin to life off my heart, and a pain in my chest-
and i wanted to sincerely thank all of you for sharing your very personal stories and advice.
Your response has overwhelmed me, and i am so very very grateful for it, because now i see this situation and my life and my life as a parent from several completely different points of view. And you know what, they are all filled with much hope. I look forward to parenting from a place of awareness and power because of it. For all those who advised that i cut off this family; i have yet to choose if i will write a letter to his mother, just tell her firmly or just keep coming up with creative excuses as to why we can't engage (because they're a spit away). Needless to say, i need to stand up for my child because she's can't do it for herself yet.
So thank you all from that place deep down.