According to several news sources, which I'll actually read once I get the time, there was a news conference being held today during which a group of Georgian hunters announced evidence of something they, and many others, had been after for a long time...
John McCain's integrity.
"We done got us a carcass. We found his integrity. We're 95% sure it's not a raccoon, but John McCain's integrity. Course it's dead now, but shoot, that ain't our problem."
They proceeded to show pictures and provide DNA evidence that clearly showed a medium-sized hairy object, roughly the size of an adult raccoon, that had been run over a couple of times with bus tires.
"This, without a doubt, is, or was, clearly John McCain's integrity. It matches pictures, descriptions and other forensic evidence that have been gathered painstakingly over Senator McCain's often touted 25-year period during which his integrity supposedly existed," said one of the researchers that took part in the press conference.
McCain's integrity has been talked about for years, even McCain himself touts his own integrity. His Straight Talk Express bus is a moving (although not always in the intended direction) symbol of it. newspaper editorial boards, pundits and bloggers refer to it effusively. Ralph Peters even says he has too much of it.
Chris Matthews talked about how that is going to be the biggest thing the dems will have to run against with him.
Look, the war's not going to be any more popular in November. It may be somewhat OK with 30, 40 percent of the people, but it's never going to be a winner. The economy's not going to be a winner. So what do you have with McCain? Integrity.
But while touted, and even flaunted, very frequently, much like the Britney Spears comeback it has never really been seen. Many have even begun to doubt it exists, or whether it ever did.
Howard Dean
He runs on his integrity, but he doesn't seem to have any
The quest for his integrity looked bleak during his Keating Five years, but the Georgian hunters never gave up. "We just knew it was out there still. It was maybe hiding, cuz it was bein' hunted. But we never stopped believing," said Cletus Paddington III, one of the hunters at Friday's press conference.
Many believed that, given George W. Bush's attacks on his family during the 2000 presidential race, his integrity would make a furious comeback. Perhaps even allowing some photographs of itself. Coming into the 2008 presidential campaigns Senator McCain promised to keep the campaign civil, even defending Obama on occasion. However, the supposed sightings of his integrity were later found to be premature as he quickly absorbed the Rovian machine into the innards of his team. Soon commercials comparing Obama to Moses, Paris Hilton and the aforementioned Ms. Spears appeared, dealing what must have surely been body blows to Sen. Mccain's integrity. His attempts to disguise the shots as "we were having some fun" and "we think it’s got a lot of humor in it" were merely brass knuckles. While his integrity was rumored to have an excellent sense of humor, the brass knuckles appear to have been just too funny for it to survive. Lieberman
Said Cletus, "Yeah, it looks like his integrity had put up a good fight, but by the time we got to it, it basically just done gave up its last breath it was so scared at finally being seen. It appeared to be trying to relax and enjoy it when it got that final shot to the back of its head."
Regardless of the evidence offered by the brave and relatively toothed hunters, the existence of his integrity may also be proved by his actions, though. Specifically in how hard he seems to have worked at killing it. One unnamed source (not willing to go on record because it may or may not be the diarist) was quoted as saying "I'm pretty sure I saw John out behind his bus kicking the crap out of his integrity. This was right after the WaPo article about McCain's lobbyist ties, the poor thing never stood a chance".
When asked for a response to the Georgian press conference, John McCain campaign said this during a press conference he had standing in front of American flags prior to announcing he would be sending his envoys of Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Joe Lieberman (?-WTF)
As mentioned many times, I vigorously support Georgia's sovereignty, which of course has nothing to do with my advisor Ralph Scheunemann's firm actively lobbying, er, advocating on Georgia's behalf. My friends, I've said this before, in the twenty-first century, nations don't invade other, whoops, nations. [Ed: here McCain tripped over what appeared to be a block of wood on stage that, oddly, simply said "Iraq" on it] I thank you for the question. Oh, and drill drill drill!
At the end of the of the press conference the hunters were asked what they planned on doing with the deceased integrity. Said one, "Dunno, guess we'll give it a proper burial. We ain't keeping it, though. Whoowee it's ripe!" He added, "We think we saw the tracks of his honor out there in the woods. We're gunnin' for that one next. It seemed to be bleeding heavily already."
At this point there is no word on whether the McCain store will now sell it's "Integrity" t-shirt in a proper mourning black.
[Thanks to jneufnyc for additional coverage of this event.]