In a move that's sure to make some waves in the world of Major League Baseball, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announced early Thursday that a component of the much-discussed bailout plan would be a $700 Million takeover of the struggling Yankees. Fed Chair Ben Bernake commented:
The Yankees haven't won a world series in 8 years. Their success is vitally important to both the official and knock-off merchandise and garment industry. To not have them in the playoffs this year could have major global financial implications as early as five minutes from now. We must act quickly to avert global fairweather fans from abandoning the Yankees en masse.
The Yankees finished the season 87-71, and failed to make the playoffs, despite having the largest team salary in the MLB, at $207 Million. Paulson believes the additional capital will allow the team to remain competitive in 2009, and stave off a crisis few saw coming. Team Owner George Steinbrenner and Manager Joe Girardi are expected to contest a provision of the deal that limits their compensation to that of the highest-paid administrative employee in the MLB, or about $400,000 a year. The two contest that just because they made some poor management choices doesn't mean they should be punished. Girardi on the team's performance:
Hey, those guys could have hustled out there a little more, it's not my fault.
Players for the club were shocked to learn they'd be suiting up for Uncle Sam next season. Juan Miranda, an outfielder who defected from Cuba several years ago before signing with the Yanks this spring said:
I left Cuba on a fucking raft, man. Twice. I don't want to play ball for the government anymore, you know? This is bullshit.
Other players were more optimistic, especially when learning of another controversial provision in the deal, which will allow the Yankees to inflate their sagging roster by forcibly acquiring players from other teams. Among the first to go are pitchers CC Sabathia (Brewers) and Jonathan Papelbon (Red Sox.) Both are now required to report to training camp in Tampa Bay in the spring, which is expected to put a damper on the excitement of their current teams as they enter the pennant race.
"It sucks when you're being forced to move, but I guess I have to do what's best for my country, right,"
a visibly shaken Papelbon said after hearing the news.
The deal has some bright spots; it's the only part of the massive government bailout plan that has a plan to fund itself. Yankees merchandise will now be taxed at a 150% rate to make up for the new spending. Steinbrenner thinks fans will be happy to bear the fiscal responsibility for what some view as mismanagement from the Yanks' front office:
The fans will be ok. After all, they're the ones who've put all their baseball love, all their emotional investment into this team over the years. If they want to save it, it's time for them to forget that mistakes were made, that their trust may have been violated, and just pony up the cash.
Steinbrenner, while optimistic before reporters, reportedly has issues with the plan in private. Another provision of the bill calls for President George W. Bush to be installed as co-owner / manager starting next year. Bernake was quoted as saying:
It worked out time-wise very well. President Bush will be unemployed right before the beginning of baseball season next year, and we thought we'd throw him a bone. After all he did a pretty good job with the Rangers, and, you know, the uh, Country, I guess. whispering: Honestly, we were just worried no one else would hire him, but don't tell him, OK?
Harry Caray, in a move considered bold on account of his being dead for 10 years, rolled in his grave, and announced he's suspending his playcalling until the current crisis is averted. Bob Sheppard also announced he'd do the same.