October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)
This is a modified version of a diary originally published October 2005.
This diary is in no way meant to be comprehensive, since there is so much research information available, but may be a place to start a dialog and share experiences. My limited experience and knowledge is with males who commit domestic violence against female partners so that is the perspective of most of the information I have gathered.
I was a co-facilitator for eight years with the Batterers Education Program (BEP). Based on the Duluth Minnesota model of the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) curriculum, the Department of Corrections administers this program in Iowa.
Facilitator training for BEP is an intensive (as are the groups). I had not realized I was a victim of domestic violence until I went through the training.
If someone you know is a victim of domestic violence you are effected by it even if you don't know about the abuse.
My father was a batterer. I remember clearly seeing him abuse my mother from the time I was 3 years old until he commited suicide when I was ten. Witnessing what he did to my mother effected me in school, with friends and my view of men and women and their roles. I didn't realize I had other choices until I was in my late 30's.
A witness to domestic violence is a victim of domestic violence. Don't fool yourself that the kids were in their rooms and didn't see so they don't know (I used this line in groups for shock value which usually exposed multiple cases of denial and eventually lead to productive discussions). Hearing my mom holding back sobs while being brutally beaten, punched and kicked, as I tried to block out the sounds with my pillow, was every bit as traumatic as standing there watching or being beaten.
When "Sleeping With the Enemy" was released people talked about how overboard it was. As I watched it I cringed and squirmed from the discomfort I felt. It is real. This is what happens. It is accurate in the form and scope of violence batterers use and which I have personally witnessed. It is accurate in the way victims are brutalized and left to fend for themselves in fear of their lives when they don't know where to turn for help or are too traumatized and scared. Men in BEP groups told me they practiced some or all of the behaviors depicted and more.
Some Domestic Violence Facts:
Every 9 seconds a woman is battered in the United States
Eleven women die EVERY day as a result of domestic violence
Domestic Violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the U.S.
In 95% of all domestic violence assualts, crimes are committed by men against women (men are battered though the dynamics of these assaults are significantly different, see the 9 points below)
The FBI estimates that only one in ten incidents of family violence is ever reported to law enforcement
One in 3 women experience at least one physical assault by a partner during their lifetime
Battering accounts for 1/3 of ALL emergency room visits by women in the U.S.
At least 25% of domestic violence victims are pregnant when battered
Domestic violence is statistically consistant across racial, ethnic, educational and economic boundaries, and regardless of religious or political affiliation
Victims who leave their batterers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by the batterer than those who stay
Approximately 1 in 5 homicides involves domestic violence. Of these, almost 9% were murders of a spouse, 6% were murders of sons or daughters by a parent, and 7% were murdered by other family members.
Forty-four to 75% of men who abuse their intimate partners also abuse their children.
Children under 13 were 23% of murder victims killed by a family member in 2002. The average age among children killed by a parent was 7 years, and 4 out of 5 victims killed by a parent were under age 13 (Bureau of Justice Family Violence Statistics, 2005).
A battered victim may leave his/her abuser 12 to 16 times before the relationship is finally ended.
There are nearly three times as many animal shelters in the U.S. as there are shelters for women and their children.
Abusive partners harass 74% of battered victims.
Twenty percent of all battered women are over the age of 60.
Sixty-eight to 90% of children are aware that domestic violence is happening in their home.
Family violence costs the nation from $5 to $10 billion annually in medical expenses, police and court costs, shelters and foster care, sick leave, absenteeism, and non-productivity.
World Health Org. estimates worldwide 40-70% of women suffer domestic violence assaults.
Victims and the "good ol' boys club" courts
Women charged in the death of a mate have the least extensive criminal records of any people convicted. However, they often face higher penalties than men who kill their mates. FBI statistics indicate that fewer men are charged with first or second degree murder for killing a woman they have known than are women who kill a man they have known. Women convicted of these killings are frequently sentenced to longer prison terms than are men. (Angela Browne, When Battered Women Kill, New York, NY: The Free Press, 1987, p. 11)
Iowa has mandatory sentencing to BEP in addition to possible jail time (BEP groups are also done in jail) for convictions of domestic violence. If a man is ordered to BEP and fails to show up a warrant is issued.
There are BEP groups for women who batter male partners, and groups for gay and lesbian batterers.
Family counseling for domestic violence is highly discouraged (see Power and Control for reasons).
This is a 16 week program and is based on studies by DAIP that domestic violence is a learned behavior which is intentional and practiced and can be unlearned.
Batterers learn through observation, media, experience and reinforcement, culture, the family and community.
The use of physical violence by men is a way for them to have power and control over women. Observing and hearing the stories of the hundreds of men in these groups has lead me to believe they resort to violence when they feel powerless and out of control, themselves.
Use of any the following are forms of violence intended to attack a womens self esteem and keep her powerless (some may overlap into one or more of the others).
Power and Control
The Duluth Model
Intimidation is making her afraid by using looks, actions or gestures...smashing things...destroying her property...abusing pets...displaying weapons.
Emotional abuse is putting her down...making her feel bad about herself...calling her names...making her think she's crazy...playing mind games...humiliating her...making her feel guilty.
Isolation is controlling what she does, who she sees, what she reads, where she goes...limiting her outside involvement...using jealousy to justify actions.
Minimizing, denying or blaming is making light of abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously...saying the abuse didn't happen...shifting responsibility for abusive behavior...saying she caused it.
Using children is making her feel guilty about the children...using the children to relay messages...using visitation to harass her...threatening to take the children away.
Male privilege is treating her like a servant...making all the big decisions...acting like the "master of the castle"...being the one to define mens and womens roles.
Economic abuse is preventing her from getting or keeping a job...making her ask for money...giving her an allowance...taking her money...not letting her know about or have access to family income.
Coercion or threats is making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her...threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare...making her drop charges...making her do illegal things.
Sexual abuse is making excessive demands for sex...making degrading sexual statements...forcing sex...forcing sex while she is sleeping...committing violent sex acts...inserting objects into her vagina or anus against her will...making her view pornography and/or imitate pornographic acts...forcing her to have sex with other men or women...assaulting breasts or genitals...pressuring her to wear clothing she doesn't want to wear...forcing or coercing her into prostitution...pressuring or forcing her to pose for pictures...coercing sex in a way she doesn't want...accusing her of having affairs, flirting or coming on to other men, telling her she's dressing a certain way to please or attract other men...checking her underwear...comparing her body to other women or to women in magazines or TV or film stars...not disclosing sexually transmitted diseases...using sex for being a "good girl" or withholding sex if she isn't...making her beg or feel cheap or dirty if she wants sex...blaming her if he doesn't feel satisfied...withholding affection if she doesn't want sex when he does...expecting sexual access whenever he wants ("It's her duty" "If I don't get it here I'll get it somewhere else")...disclosing her intimate behavior to others (locker room talk)...accusing her of being sexually abusive or saying she has a sexual problem if she doesn't respond to demands...not caring if she is sexually satisfied.
After an act of violence there is usually a period of remorse when the he will apologize, promise it will never happen again and manipulate her into forgiving him. At this point when he wants to have sex she will give in fearing further violence and feeling she has no choice. Most women relate feelings of further degradation, the sex act solidifies his power as any act of rape is intended to do.
One in four women and one in seven men will be sexually assaulted in her or his lifetime. Children and adolescents are commonly the victims of rape. One in four girls will be a victim of sexual assault by the time she can vote. One in six boys will be the victim of sexual assault by the time he is 18.
Sexual assault/rape ranges from the non-consensual touching of an intimate part of the body, such as breasts, buttocks, or genitals, to forced, manipulated, or coerced penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth, by a penis or object. It can involve verbal coercion and threats, physical restraint, intimidation and/or violence. Sexual assault/rape is not a crime of passion but a crime of violence, using sex as the weapon to overpower, control and degrade the victim.
Why doesn't she just leave
Researchers have a lot of data on why women stay in abusive relationships. (There is not much data yet on why men stay in abusive relationships.) Some of the reasons women stay in abusive relationships are:
Lowered self-esteem and lack of confidence in their own perceptions of reality
Lack of conviction that the relationship is bad enough to leave
Fear of being alone; emotional dependence
A fear that they will not find a better relationship elsewhere
Belief that the children need their father in the household
Fear of losing their children
A focus on the good times, rather than the abusive times
"Love" for the abuser, which is often really love based on dependence, attachment, or gratitude
A belief that they are to blame, that they need to work harder to make a better marriage or partnership, that they deserve no better
Fear of retaliation by the very person whom they wish to leave
Lack of financial resources to survive on their own or to take care of their children. Women are traditionally more tied into a marriage than a man and cannot leave as easily.
Lack of institutional support to leave the relationship (lack of support from police, clergy, counselors, the courts, or social services). Society sometimes lacks sympathy toward the victim of domestic violence, particularly when the victim is within a marital or permanent domestic partnership. People often believe that the abuse must have been provoked, and therefore it is appropriate.
Lack of support from friends and family to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. Friends and family are often more sympathetic to the impact of physical abuse than they are to verbal or nonverbal emotional abuse.
In summary, women stay because of fear, isolation, some form of love, or a combination of these.
Victimized Men
Women's violence toward their male partners that is neither in self-defense nor in response to being battered is rare but can still be very dangerous. During the past 10 years the Duluth Domestic Intervention Project has worked with just under 100 women who have physically assaulted their partners, this represents 3.5% of offenders mandated to DAIP. In seven of these cases, the men were unable to leave the situation without increasing their partner's violence.
These seven men, like the thousands of women who have sought safety at the shelter are being pursued and terrorized by their partners. They like many battered women, needed legal protection, safe housing and tremendous emotional support.
What separated those seven men from the 90 other male assault victims was their fear and their inabiilty to leave without their abusers esalating the violence and threats. Most men who live with women who are violent are abusing the women who have assaulted them and can end the violence against them by stopping their own violence or leaving the relationship.
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