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This isn’t for a crusade, I’m not asking for money, phone calls, or anything of that nature. I just need for you to read this diary and respond to it to help explain some things to me.

EPIC DISCLAIMER: I may express some opinions/ideas that you find silly, outdated or downright offensive, if so they are a result of my ignorance and not of any malice on my part, please be as patient as you can be with me.

Please find out why I need your help below the fold...

First, a little background about myself and why I find this diary necessary.

I am a 26 year old straight white male, I am married to a wonderful woman who is 33 and is just now figuring out that she may in fact be a transgendered gay male. Due to this our engagement/involvement in the LGBT community has become more than merely academic.

Now while this is a wonderful journey of self discovery for my spouse and she (he?) is fully ‘into’ the whole thing. I’m understandably (at least to my way of thinking) a little bit lost. Ok, a lot lost.

Now don’t despair, I’m not some meatheaded jock cretin with no respect for anything different from me. I’ve got a bisexual sister and at least one cousin who is gay (as well as having dated a bisexual girl in the past) so it’s not like I’m completely new to the ‘scene’ as it were. My concern is more that I honestly don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do. Again, don’t get me wrong, I donated to the ‘no on prop 8’ folks, I argue with my fundamentalist Christian parents about whether or not being gay is a choice and am a generally standard liberal as far as the gay rights platform goes.

But none of that really helps me beyond understanding the abstract issues that face the LGBT community as a whole. When it comes to the personal level I’m completely lost.

I love my spouse, I love her more than anything in this world, and there’s nothing I want more than to see her happy. However, taking her transformation to it’s logical conclusion leaves me with a couple of rather distinctive problems that I’m unsure of how to deal with.

For one thing, I’m not really attracted to men, so if ‘she’ becomes a ‘he’ what happens then? Once all the operations etc. are completed ‘she’ is no longer a ‘she’ she’s a ‘he’. I’m not physically attracted to ‘he’s’, but as he’s gay he will still be attracted to me (or so I’m assured). Now that isn’t saying that I’m not still in love with my spouse (using spouse here because the gender switching is messing with my head), nor does it mean I don’t find my spouse beautiful. But it does mean that the attraction switches from being physical, mental and emotional to just mental and emotional. How the hell do you deal with that?

Next thing: Having to deal with being the constant 3rd wheel. Now I deal with this already by proxy. Due to the fact that my spouse is who she (he) is, my spouse is VERY into gay culture. I don’t (for the most part) mind this except for the fact that it is mutually exclusive. My spouse is part of a culture that I have to struggle just to understand the basic principles of, and it’s a culture that oftentimes (to me at least) seems that it WANTS to disinclude me specifically because I am not one of the "US" I am instead of the hated "THEM".

What do I mean by this? I will use a satirical TV example. There’s an episode of Will and Grace ( I only know this due to my spouse watching obsessively but there you go) where Matt Damon is a straight guy pretending to be gay so he can go on a trip with the gay men’s choir. Jack sets out on a mission to prove that Matt Damon is straight so as to show him up as the dirty liar he is and deny him the trip to Europe.
Now I know that it’s just a TV show and that exact scenario didn’t happen. But I also know firsthand that it’s very possible to be excluded from something based on your sexuality, and I don’t mean because you’re gay. (and yes I know gay folks are banned from things due to their sexuality, but just as racism doesn’t make reverse racism right so it goes for the sexes).
So many times, I’ve heard gay people disdainfully refer to straight folks as "breeders" in flippant conversation.
These are folks who knew I was straight, who were friendly with me and who knew I could HEAR THEM.
Honestly it really is all I can do when I hear the snotty, head thrown back nose straight up remark of "breeder" to not jump in that persons face and ask how they like getting F****t thrown at them.
It’s almost like I had to reflect the arguments right back at people who I thought ‘got it’. "I can’t help my sexuality, I’m attracted to who I’m attracted to, I’m sorry if that isn’t the same as who you’re attracted to." Does it sound familiar?

I’m not trying to be antagonistic. Hell, I’m not even trying to be mildly annoying. I’m just trying to figure things out.

Originally posted to A Bleeding God on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 08:22 AM PST.

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Comment Preferences

  •  That sucks (18+ / 0-)

    I am sorry. I honestly have no advice as I can't even imagine the situation, but I am humbled by your courage and honesty to write it here and seek. I hope there are others who can give you help. In the meantime, be honest w/ your spouse and the community. Tell them that name calling hurts you just as it hurts them. Remind them we are all people and all in this together, regardless of color, sex, gender, and any other so called differences. Be well!

    "Our progress as a nation can be no swifter than our progress in education." -JFK-

    by Joshs Mom Kalebs Aunt on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 08:29:23 AM PST

  •  I'm a little confused (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    fcvaguy, Wee Mama, Thinking Fella

    Your wife was once male?  Or is she transgendering into a male?  Sounds like you have a pretty big problem, but on the surface, it sounds like she favors being gay over you and your relationship.

    "Man's life's a vapor Full of woe. He cuts a caper, Down he goes. Down de down de down he goes.

    by JFinNe on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 08:36:16 AM PST

  •  Oh boy. (14+ / 0-)

    Now here's a Catch-22 if ever there was one.

    If there's any advice to be given here, it's to go forward in love. If your spouse isn't happy in her body, support her. If you don't know what to make of this, talk, to her, your friends, anyone you trust.

    You folks will be fine.

    I trust Barack Obama.

    by MBNYC on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 08:37:40 AM PST

  •  Relationships are a two-way street (11+ / 0-)

    If you are not getting what you need from your relationship, you need to move on.  If you cannot be happy with your partner in their new way of being, then you do both of you a disservice since neither of you will ever be happy.

    It is clear you accept this decision, it is not clear if you will in fact be happy with the ways your life is changing.

    President Barack Obama -- Eat that, Wingnuts!

    by fearisthemindkiller on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 08:38:52 AM PST

  •  This has to be very confusing for you (13+ / 0-)

    I have not been in a similar situation, but I do have one experience that you might consider.

    Until about 2 years ago, I considered myself straight as an arrow.  Then I met this amazing girl and we became very good friends.  At some point it dawned on me that she was interested in me as more than a friend.  I had some of the same concerns that you do about not having been attracted to someone of the same-sex before.  What decided me was that I realized that if she had been a he, I would have sure that I had found my soul-mate.  So, I had to decide whether gender was a sufficient obstacle.  I decided that it wasn't and went for it.  We have been together for 2 years and will be getting (illegally) married next month.

    Just something to ponder.

  •  I'm a transsexual woman. (14+ / 0-)

    My ex-wife participates at Docudharma.  while it is not exactly the same thing, I would bet you would be more than welcome to come over there and have someone to talk to once in awhile.


  •  I'll be the first to comment... (12+ / 0-)

    Although there's no tip jar, it seems like the diary itself is asking for help, so I'll chime in.

    Look, there will be people, gay and straight, that will tell you that you fell in  love with the person and not the gender.  I'm gay myself, and I am sorry to say that just isn't the reality of the matter.  If you were bi, then I'd understand that the gender aspect of the person wouldn't usually play a role in the decision.  But you're straight, and you fell in love with a woman.

    Don't let the gay community dictate to you what you feel like you should be doing.  Frankly, if my husband felt he was a woman, I'd have to leave him.  I'd be there for him through his journey and possible sex change, but sex is an important aspect to any relationship, and I'm simply not attracted to women.  Personality can only take you so far.

    If you left your wife, some on both sides may judge you, but there will also be some on both sides who will understand.  Situations like this aren't easy, but you already know that you probably won't be attracted to your wife if she were to take the plunge into surgery.  If she had realized that she were indeed a lesbian instead of a gay man, she'd more than likely have left you as well.  

    Just be there for her as best you can, but I think the best thing you can do is just do what you want to do.  Some in the GLBT community may judge harshly for what you may do and what I'm even saying, but our attractions are what they are.  I'm fighting for my right to marry the man of my dreams.  If it were so easy for me to just fall in love with women, then we wouldn't be dealing with things like Prop. 8, would we?

  •  My friend, you have a real problem. (8+ / 0-)

    People in relationships grow apart. It is no ones fault that it happens, it just does. This seems to be what is happening with your spouse.

    You might have to recognize that there is point past which you will not be able to continue with him (I use the sex the person is identifying with). Knowing that, the best you can do is think about what you need in a relationship and then talk it out with him.

    Stay positive, stay away from blame, but be honest and ask for the same. Unfortunately I can't tell you to expect an easy happy ending out of this.

    Be supportive, but ask for support too, and if you find that you and he have reached the end of the road, then just accept that.

    All this is cold comfort, I know, but given what you describe, it might be all there is. Sorry.

    If you live in fear, then the worst that can happen to you, already has. Will you live in fear? -6.25, -6.10

    by Something the Dog Said on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 08:41:40 AM PST

    •  It's not about growing apart. (6+ / 0-)

      I thank you (and thank all of the comments so far) for their advice, but I feel I must address this one directly.

      Emotionally we are as close as 2 people can be. Mentally it's the same, I can tell you what 'she' (he) is going to say before it is said. We haven't grown apart in any aspect other than the physical needs. (which are of course important to a relationship). We are very VERY close in our mental and spiritual relationship, but the physical wants she has I am not really set up to support.
      Ugh, it's really hard to explain.

      •  That was what I was addressing, sorry (7+ / 0-)

        if I was not clear enough. The question becomes can you be happy having the sexual part of your relationship end and maintain the friendship part. That is a really thorny issue. If you say yes, you should both be sure that when the other finds a sexual partner you are not going to freak out about it. Jealousy is an ugly thing and it kills relationships.

        But there is another point on that. Will you be fair to someone that you would have sex with, if you are giving all the time and effort of a relationship to someone else (your husband)? To me that seems unfair to the other person.

        Sex is not love, but it can lead to it. That is a chance that both of you will have to face in the future, as you pursue your separate sex lives. Either of you could find a new great love, with one of these new partners and what would that mean for your relationship?

        These are the kind of things you should be thinking about and talking through in advance, because once it happens is will be a big hairy emotional mess.

        It may be that you can find a balance, any kind of relationship is possible, if the partners talk about it and negotiate. But it will not just happen, there is too much change going on for it to be isolated.

        This might be a bad time as well. It seems you are very much in love, and whom among us has enough love that they would willingly give any up? But with the level of change that is coming for both of you, you would be making a big mistake not to try to think it through and see where you might end up.

        All that said, this is your life and your challenge, so don't feel constrained to take anyone's advice, just be sure not to leave yourself in a place where you are sure you're going to be hurt, if you can avoid it.

        Good luck.

        If you live in fear, then the worst that can happen to you, already has. Will you live in fear? -6.25, -6.10

        by Something the Dog Said on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 08:58:49 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

      •  I am sorry to say it... (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        sobermom, Thinking Fella, KentuckyKat

        ..but, you said it yourself.  You cannot give him what he wants.   It would be very wrong to dangle him on a string.  You will need to back waaaayyyyyy off to let him recover his balance.  Maybe, after he is settled with a new sexual partner, you could resume a casual friendship.  But, even then, it may be too painful for him.

      •  One alternative to consider is what the French (3+ / 0-)

        call a mariage blanche - a marriage without physical sex. A lot depends on the sex drives of both of you but it works for some people. Cuddling can go a long way and it is not as heavily gendered for many people.

      •  But you ARE growing apart (4+ / 0-)

        In many of the same ways other couples grow apart. One spouse may gain a great deal of weight and is no longer physically appealing to their partner. One spouse gets deeply involved in new interests and a new circle of friends - maybe suddenly wanting to dance the night away at country western bars when staying home and watching classic movies together on DVD used to be the norm. Or both agree that having children is a major goal, then one decides they aren't ready - but by the time they think they might be ready the old biological clock will have ticked over past midnight.

        Some couples overcome these things, many don't. And if the solution is for one partner to swallow their own happiness and life goals to keep the relationship, that is not a happy answer either.

  •  The Answers (7+ / 0-)

    The answers to your questions lie within you and your spouse. The best we can do is wish you a clear path as you work with your spouse to find the answers.

    Hate must not stand. Reverse Prop 8 by any means necessary.

    by MahFellaMerkins on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 08:42:04 AM PST

  •  Since you asked... (13+ / 0-)

    for advice, I'm gonna give you my full 48 yrs of living advice. First, I'm a straight white male, although I do enjoy wearing comfortable loafers. You say you are in your 20's? Sorry, son, but what were you thinking getting married in your 20's? Marriage can be "Forever", or "For-fucking-ever", and it breaks down about even, what with a 50% divorce rate...
    So, after being married for 10 years(married when I was 34), my marriage had turned from one kind of forever to the other. We were preparing to separate, and then divorce, although we generally got along, no knife fights or anything of the sort. But then fate stepped in. My wife, whom I still loved dearly, began to get weak. Really weak. Like too weak to get out of the car to see the Dr. sometimes... Well, the story just gets more sad, suffice to say that she spent a year fighting a losing battle with ovarian cancer. Now, during that year, I cooked every meal she ate, drove her everywhere, keep our business afloat, manipulated, you can not imagine all you will do for the one you love when the shit is spraying off the fan blades...And during this time, and for the enite time her/"our" estate was being settled, my in-laws hated me. HATED me. Why? Because we were going to get divorced. I was no good for their Princess, you see. Nevermind that I was single-handedly doing everything 2 would do to keep her alive.
    My point? 'Life Is Short". Period. Simple as that. And I'm here to tell you that you never know what tomorrow will bring. No one on this green Earth is going to see to your happiness-except you. You are in charge, now & tomorrow, of your own Happiness. So, here's what you do. However you are able to achieve clarity is irrelevant, but, you need to figure out where your happiness lies. Is it in making your spouse's life complete? Is it in 'cutting & running for survival'? Is it in living for today, and figuring tomorrow out tomorrow? You'll need to figure that out for yourself, but...if being with this person brings you more angst than happiness, never forget: "Life is Short, my friend".  

    well, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time...

    by Thinking Fella on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 08:56:40 AM PST

    •  So true, and so is the reverse... (6+ / 0-)

      if being with her/him is home to you, then stay even if it's weird and makes no sense, because not a lot of people find that kind of 'home.'

    •  Why I got married in my 20's (6+ / 0-)

      First off, I met my (now spouse) when I was 18 and she was 26. I've also always wanted a family, the more kids the better. My wife and I have never had any arguments that would come close to divorce arguments. we've had our spats but they have always healed easily and been minor. Don't get me wrong, My inlaws think I'm a scumbag because I'm not a rich stockbroker, so I get where you are coming from. But we love each other quite a bit, and are in no way close to divorce.

      •  I guess that settles it then... (3+ / 0-)
        Recommended by:
        Catte Nappe, Simpletonian, mango

        Second sentnce: "I've always wanted a family, the more kids, the better."
        How do you reconcile wanting kids, with being married to a woman who wants to be a man? I'm no biologist, but...
        I will readily agree that "family" is an amorphous thing, and you may claim whatever 'family' you'd like. But, how do kids figure into your life once your spouse loses her ability to make babies? Of course, you could adopt-well, we should ALL adopt- that what you were thinking when you married? "Gosh, I can see it now...someday, you'll be a man, just like me, and we'll have all these adopted kids..." Or was it more like, "Oh, look how lil Johnny looks just like me, & lil Suzy looks just like you... Let's make more!"
        Do you really want to spent the rest of your days dealing with this, or, would you prefer finding yourself a New Millenium June Cleaver?
        There's something only you can decide, but, remember...Life is Short, how do you want to spend today if you only had 3 days left? figure that out, and you are on your way.

        well, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time...

        by Thinking Fella on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 09:18:20 AM PST

        [ Parent ]

  •  I'm so sorry for your loss. (2+ / 0-)

    But it does mean that the attraction switches from being physical, mental and emotional to just mental and emotional.

    I'm not LGBT, but I understand your dilemma.   Your marriage is coming to an end.  You are at the beginning of your journey through the stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  You are going to have to start pulling back and establishing some boundaries between yourself and your soon-to-be-ex wife, so that you can leave yourself, and her, some emotional room to start recovering and forming new relationships.  

    It is going to be tempting to over-involve yourself in your wife's metamorphosis as a strategy for delaying the inevitable, but that will just drag out this painful process.  Don't do this just for yourself, but also for your wife.  

    Best of luck.


  •  We never really know what the future will bring (8+ / 0-)

    Thank you for your honesty. I can't claim to have had to deal with the challenge you're facing. People are complex and we have no way of knowing for sure what the person we're presently becoming involved with will be like in six months, let along five or ten or twenty years down the road. Anybody who's been in a long-term relationship can tell you that they find out things about their other half, over time, that neither one could have suspected would be true. We all change as we grow older and there simply are no guarantees in life. My partner (I am a gay man) surprises me all the time; not always in a way I'd have preferred, but the surprises, pleasant or not, always come in the context of his being honest with me. And his willingness to share his truth with me even though he may fear I won't be happy with what he has to tell me is one of the traits I most admire about him.

    The world is full of narrow-minded people, regardless of race, color, gender, sexual orientation, and so on, and you needn't waste your time worrying what they think of you. What matters is that you treat others with respect as best you can.

    I have not been in your particular situation. On the other hand, I have among my friends several transgender individuals, mainly male-to-female but also a couple of female-to-male, and at least one person who is gender non-conforming. In addition, I know a couple who, when I first met them, I assumed were a "straight" male/female one. I soon found out I was mistaken. In fact they'd started off as a gay male couple. This is not meant to be a suggestion that you must stay with your spouse no matter what; you may not find it possible for you and you ought not to judge yourself badly if that turns out to be the case.

    I don't presume to know what the outcome of your situation will be. Speaking strictly for myself,  if I love someone, I will want them to be the person they truly are and I will do the very best I can to support them, regardless of what it might mean for the status of my relationship with them. I've had to make some tough choices in the past regarding this and while I may have been disappointed in the outcome, I was not disappointed in myself for having made the choice that I needed to make.

    I hope this all helps you to sort out what must be a very painful situation for you.

  •  Oh My.... (4+ / 0-)

    Ok, this is a lot to handle 1st thing Monday morning :-) lol. First of all, allow me to say good on you for being able to sort out and express all of your feelings and questions regarding this. I would still be confused as hell and staring at a blank well praying for a deeper level of comprehension to strike me at any moment, and i'm a PART of the lgbt community! So you are applauded.

    Secondly, I think every single of your points are legit and should be discussed with your spouse as poignantly as you have directed them to us here. Issue by issue, go down the list and fully express yourself, including making her (him) see that in some areas, you really don't know how to feel.

    Thirdly, as far as not being attracted to a male, you can not help that. We see that you love your wife for who she is as a person, and you're obviously in love with her to be so flexible with this situation. She is a very lucky person to have you. But if once her transition is complete, and you are not physcially attracted to her, it may be time to discuss all of your possibilities and options. Im sure if you could flip a switch and automatically be attracted to her new physique, you would, in order to keep down the drama and the stress of it all. But it's not that simple and you would be doing her and yourself a severe disjustice to attempt to force something that doesn't come natural. If she can't understand that, then she has even more soul searching to do as well.

    And lastly (sorry for the novel here), if your spouse loves you and truly has your best interest at heart, she will not allow you to become a 3rd wheel. Yes, she may gain a new circle of friends and a new social scene. But if she's not willing to incorporate you into her lifestyle as her partner, with complete disclosure and inclusion, then she needs to re-think her priorities and consider making the necessary adjustments for her and your happiness.

    "How will you live your life so that it doesn't make a mockery of your values?"

    by RemarkablyChanel on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 09:07:08 AM PST

  •  You're straight, that's a given and ... (11+ / 0-)

    ... it's OK. So I think part of what's going on is your knowledge of the inevitability of an end to the sexual side of your relationship with your spouse; if she were dying, the term would be "anticipatory grief."

    Every person who wishes to have a sexual relationship deserves to be wanted for the gender AND orientation that they are, and it looks like you will lose that, though you may perhaps remain friends. But this does NOT make you OR her the bad guy/gal, it's just that sometimes, life sucks.

    Also, it can be very hard to accept a spouse's decision about their own life when it means you'll be left out. About 15 years ago, I was dating a guy that I really liked and who really liked me, but he was just beginning to come out as gay and I'd been out of the closet for 19 years. I wanted monogamy, he wanted a wide-open relationship; because I loved him, I accepted things.

    But eventually I came face-to-face with the fact that I personally needed monogamy for the relationship to progress to the deepest level of soul-mate intimacy, and also that he could not / would not be able to give me that, so I broke up with him.

    It the hardest break-up I've ever done because there was no anger, no blaming, no righteous indignation - all emotions that make termination easier because it means I'm "justified". No, it was just sad acceptance of the facts and we both cried a great deal over it.

    However, there was a happy ending - within 9 months, he'd found a partner as swinging as he was, and I found one as monogamous as I am - we were together until death did indeed part us.

    "Imprisonment... is a series of cubes!" ~ Sen. Ted "Toobz" Stevens (AK-Felon)

    by The Werewolf Prophet on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 09:12:37 AM PST

  •  Are you sure she's straight? (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    sobermom, TKwow, Thinking Fella

    Are you sure your wife isn't gay - I mean now, a lesbian? I've simply never heard of a straight woman who wants to become a man, even though there are straight men who become women. By the way, I'm a gay man and I wouldn't want to hang out with the petty gays you know, either.

  •  It's difficult to give advice (9+ / 0-)

    when we aren't you.  There is so much for you to think about and talk about with your spouse and others.  One thing I would mention is the issue of sex.  We don't know how you view marriage and how important sex is to you.  Your spouse seems to have no concerns about being attracted to you after transition.  And you have a ton of concerns about that.  If you find that you are still attracted to your spouse and can have a satisfying sex life then many of your problems would resolve.  For instance, you would no longer be an outsider with the gay community.

    But if you find that you aren't attracted to your spouse after transition, then how the two of you negotiate your understanding of marriage is crucial.  If you spouse wants fidelity but there is no sex then you would have to really think about that.  You're young to be facing celibacy.  On the other hand, if you two negotiate an open relationship there are advantages and disadvantages.

    Mostly I think that you're understandably trying to figure out the future but there is no way to know where either of you will end up.  I  would try to live with each stage as it happens, all the while being in touch with your own process and openly communicating with your spouse.  It probably makes sense not to embark on long-term things like buying a house or having kids since you have no idea where things will be in a year or three.  

    You'll probably end up going through the grieving process for the spouse you married and the dreams you had of a life together.  That doesn't mean that it is impossible to fall more deeply in love with your spouse and to have new dreams of your life together.  But there is definitely going to be some letting go.

    This must be excruciating for both of you.  Perhaps a good place to get into the emotions of the matter is to ask your spouse whether he fears losing you during or after transition.  Then it will be less about communities and more about each of you individually.  If your spouse is just assuming that everything is going to be fine between the two of you and is more focused on details of transition and new social groups then that gives you information you need to plan.  If your spouse is agonizing about your marriage and is in the hell of weighing the risks and benefits to you, the spouse, and your marriage then that also gives you information.

    I think it's important to think about how each of you deals with bitterness.  How will your spouse deal with the unhappiness and bitterness if there is no transition or if there is and you need to end the marriage?  How will you deal with the unhappiness and bitterness if your spouse transitions and you find that your fears about attraction/sex are realized?

    I wish both of you well.  Marriage is difficult no matter what crises come along.  Most people may not be able to relate to your specific issues but anyone who is or has been married knows what it is like to face major turning points and challenges.  Good luck to you.

    Here's some simple advice: Always be yourself. Never take yourself too seriously. And beware of advice from experts, pigs, and members of Parliament. Kermit

    by sobermom on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 09:41:41 AM PST

  •  PFLAG is a resource for both of you (6+ / 0-)

    The Brochure Opening the Straight Spouse's Closet is writted for spouses.  Also the local chapter near you may be able to help out.

    There is another group, TNET that also concentrates on TG issues.

    There are definitely others in your position.  I like the comment about moving forward in love.  That is good advice.

    Support the troops (for real)! write to any soldier

    by sberel on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 09:45:43 AM PST

  •  Well.... (4+ / 0-)

    You may have to let go of the marriage, and you may have to let go of the relationship enough that it can move on to a place where you can still be in each other's lives in a way that works for both of you.

    I'm really sorry.  This is going to be incredibly difficult for both of you.  I hope you'll be able to support each other through it.

  •  I'd suggest you start by talking to your partner (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    sberel, KentuckyKat, A Bleeding God

    most of what concerns you is totally personal and will only be 'worked out' with your partner.

    Also there are wankers everywhere, sounds like you've met a few, if the people your partner is hanging out with are exclusively wanky, then perhaps you need to convince 'him' that 'he' should consider finding a new group of friends that are more 'inclusive', which will give you a better chance of working your way through it all.

    Anyway, if this is real, good luck.

    STOP PRESS! - Wall Street banker keeps big sack of cash, people angry

    by Dirk Thrust on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 01:45:50 PM PST

  •  Advice? (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    It doesn't suck.  You're not unlucky or pitiable.

    You are both on a wonderful journey.  

    Let life happen, be honest and respect your lover by declaring your love unconditional and find joy in his journey.  Allow him to find joy in yours.  

    It is OK for you to do what feels right to you; more than OK, it is a necessity.
    If you care how outsiders judge you, determine within your heart to ensure that judgment is envy of your happiness and delight.

    The journey is sloppy - it moves in fits and starts.
    Real boats rock.  Avoid the pits of presuming things 'must' fit any particular idea of perfection or that you are defined by others.  

    Let go. Don't fret over the destination.

    (-8.12 -7.54) Belief in absolutes is the laziest of delusions.

    by FeastOr on Mon Nov 24, 2008 at 11:04:52 PM PST

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