You read that right. On Thursday afternoon I sat down with my boss and told him that if things got a lot worse for us he could lay me off. I'm only one of six administrative personal in a Structural Engineering firm (GOD,I hope no one that works there reads Daily Kos)and do all the billing.
I've worked there for almost 8 years, it was supposed to be something to get get us through Gary's Ph.D. and I was going to move on and get a Masters in something, anything but accounting. I've said many times here I'm bored to tears but I know it's a job and I highly doubt I could ever just quit, I can't. I don't know why, but I can't.
I took to the job quite easily even with my English degree from Smith College (And, I've had five head hunters contact me about other jobs but they were disappointed that I didn't have an Accounting degree). It's not a hard job just a lot of moving pieces and it does demand an attention to detail. I've done it so long it's not challenging either. But my Boss has been grateful to have the same Project Cost Accountant for almost eight years running. There is something to be said for continuity and the fact that I am able to do so much on my own saves him time and money.
So, what did I say in this talk? Well, I have always been honest with him and I hope and ask for the same by him. I asked if we'd be laying more people off. We laid off six people in December and that brought our numbers down to 36. Just two years earlier we had 20 more employees than that and we were growing quite fast. Now our office has more empty cubes than not and morale is at a all time low.
I told him the reality, the reality he's always known, I want to move on and do something else. I'm not challenged but have always been grateful for having a job, a flexible schedule and an understanding boss. I've never taken that for granted. He knows that too.
If he were to lay me off I could at least collect unemployment and we'd survive, Gary has no chance of losing his job anytime soon although they've already canceled his Jazz Improvisation class, the first time ever. Just not enough students enrolled and not enough money from the State of California. Enrollment is up and classes are being cut but he will always have a job there if he wants it. But that's more money he won't be taking home every month. It seems to be dwindling at every turn.
So why make this bold move? Because I just wanted a warning. I told him that we would survive and that I had faith that it would work out. I know the others there do not feel the same as I do. But the last few weeks have given me a clarity that I've had before but has been clouded by all those everyday things that tend to darken and shade our bright spots.
Ultimately, it's just stuff. My home? It's a building, a house and yet it's just that, a house not necessarily what keeps me alive. We could do without it if we had to, we'd be okay. Cable? Nah, don't need it. Two cars, if it came to it, it would be fine with one. Student loans? We could put them in forbearance, we're good for it but sometimes shit just happens. I am choosing to see this as my way out and as a way to start anew.
I've written extensively of my health issues in the last six months and the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia gave me a new lease in some ways and something else to rage against in others. But I just don't want to sit around and not be doing something that makes me happy, I just don't want to anymore. And working full time, caring for my family and everything else is wearing me out. I don't think I'm sick enough for disablity and have no desire to go that route, I just am not that sick but hell, I know I'm not 100%.
So that's it, I promised my boss I would do everything to train my successor and help all I could to make it a smooth transition. He told me he hoped that would not have to happen but he appreciated my honesty and always has.
So as of now, I'm still employed full time and I'm going to be struggling to keep up because of my Firbo, but I just can't let go, someone's going to have to push me.
It was liberating I tell you, it was so damn freeing to be that honest knowing it wasn't going to give me an advantage at all. I didn't think it made me a better person nor very smart in times like these but I had to do it. I had to lay those cards out on the table. It doesn't mean I folded it just means that I want to play another game.