(This is the education I wish I could give my students but can't. Please note: I am not an expert but I've done the best sourcing and research I could. Please add other good sources to the comments so my info is more comprehensive, and I can add it to this post.)
My friend Jeff looks like the kind of person you wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley at midnight: 5'10, with long hair, black leather riding gear and the looks that speak of one hell of a mean attitude. In actuality, Jeff is the biggest teddy bear I know. I knew him to have one love in his life. His daughter, Allie.
Jeff sat me down one day for a heart-to-heart conversation. "I don't get Allie these days," he complained. "We used to talk about everything and she loved to do things with me. Now, she's so......moody! She won't talk to me and she actually yelled at me for walking into her room the other day. It's not like she was doing anything, she just didn't want me around!"
"Jeff, Allie's in 6th grade now, right?" I said. He nodded. "Congratulations, your kid's hit puberty."
The look of shock and fear on his face would have set me laughing, had he not been so upset. "What? She's only 12!"
"They hit puberty in 6th grade now. The good news is, she's got crazy hormones right now, so nothing you do is your fault. The bad news is, she'll get her brain back right around 25, so you've got a long way to go." I laughed to soften the joke: Jeff almost looked like he'd take it seriously and panic.
As he left, bemused and a little scared, I had to wonder: was he ready for what was to come? Are any of us?
In these days of abstinence-only sexual education programs, or inadequate programs based on decades-old information, it's more important now than ever to make sure you provide your son or daughter with the best information you can about birth control and STD's. It's also important that they learn that their own sexual compulsions are normal and natural. What you tell them to do about these feelings is up to you: no one can write a speech that rings true for every situation. The best advice I can give is to be honest and earnest: kids can spot a lie a mile away, and a lie is the best way to close the doors of communication
Below is some information you may want to share with your young adult. Much of it is from Planned Parenthood, some of it is from my human sexuality classes in college, and some of it is from the experiences and mistakes I earned on my own path. Planned Parenthood is a wonderful resource of information on this topic, so please check out their website if you're looking to talk to your child about sex. They even have podcasts for teen technophiles. Please realize that I am not an expert, only a teacher who has had to teach this and who has tried to get the most comprehensive information I could. Planned Parenthood can give you more complete details, and your physician is probably a good resource to talk to as well.
When is the best time to start talking to my young adult about sex? Ideally, the best time to start is when children are very young. Many people start with the "Mommy/Daddy, where did I come from" question. You may not want to bring up the anatomical act of sex at this stage, but this is a great place to get a child to understand that men and women make babies together, and some of the reasons you decided to. Don't worry, you don't have to get into the Jerry Springer aspect until they're older. At some point, your child will wonder why boys are different from girls: now is probably the time to bring up girl parts and boy parts. Some time later (you'll know when: usually when you walk into a bedroom at the wrong time), you'll want to have the "masturbation is a normal act most people do in private: I'll be sure to knock from now on" conversation. A good time to have the birth control/STD conversations is right around middle school. Me, I'd start in 6th grade, since that's when the hormones start to kick in.
What do I say if my young adult asks me how old i was when I first had sex? This will be a hard question to answer, and my best advice is: tell them the truth. This is true when your child asks you about drug use too. If you're not comfortable with the answer, you can qualify your statement. Such as, "I was 16 but I wish I had waited a few years because the guy was a jerk" or "I was 15 but it was really yucky so if I could do it over again, I would have waited until X" or "I was 17 and I was glad I didn't start sooner".
What do I tell my young adult about birth control? Here's where Planned Parenthood has some good stats. I'll cover the big two you want to mention in some detail, since you really want to emphasize that condoms and female condoms help prevent pregnancy and STD's. A lot of the hormone-based birth controls such as Depo-Provera, Nuvaring, the Pill, Ortho Evra, etc are hard or expensive to get and don't protect against STD's, so I would suggest mentioning them but encouraging barrier methods like the condom instead.
Abstinence- 100% effective at preventing pregnancy and STD's. Oral sex and "dry humping", even through underwear, can still cause pregnancy or STD transmission, so keep that in mind. Some STDs like gonorrhea, pubic lice, scabies and herpes are not stopped by condoms, so to prevent these diseas
Condoms- Condoms are between 98% (used properly) and 85% (used incorrectly) effective at preventing pregnancy. They can also help prevent many STD's such as AIDS, chlamydia, herpes, hepatitis B and gonorrhea. To put on a condom properly (more complete directions at "condom" link above):
- check the condom for tears, cracks, or other imperfections.
- Place the condom on the head of the penis, with the semen well upward.
- Gently pinch the top half inch of the condom to leave extra space for semen as you roll the condom down the penis.
- Smooth out any air bubbles. These might allow semen to travel up the shaft and leak out of the top of the condom
- Add lubricant to the outside. This will help prevent tearing.
Condoms must be put on before any genital contact to be effective. They are more effective if spermicide is used in addition to a condom. If you start to put the condom on upside down by accident, DO NOT flip it over and try again. Get a new condom (pre-ejaculate my be on the outside). Do not use novelty condoms (ribbed, flavored, etc): they have a higher chance of failure. Use only water-based lubricants with a condom - oil based lubricants will break down the condom.
Female Condom- Female condoms are between 95% (used correctly) and 79% (used incorrectly) effective at preventing pregnancy. They can also help prevent many STD's such as AIDS, chlamydia, herpes, hepatitis B and gonorrhea. To put on a female condom (more complete directions at "female condom" link above):
- Put spermicide on the outside of the female condom.
- Squeeze the ring on the closed end and insert into the vagina until it reaches the cervix (almost like placing a tampon)
- Let the ring on the open end hang about an inch below the vaginal opening.
Be sure to use spermicide with the female condom. Like male condoms, female condoms can rip if inadequately lubricated, but oil or water lubricants can be used. Female condoms can make unattractive squelching noises if improperly lubricated.
Spermicide- By themselves, spermicides are between 85% (used properly) and 71% (used improperly) effective. When used with a condom, they are between 99.7% (both methods used properly) and 95.6% (both methods used improperly) effective at preventing pregnancy. Spermicides alone DO NOT prevent STD's.
To use spermicide:
- Follow directions, as they may vary
- load the applicator with the correct amount.
- Insert the applicator into vagina until it reaches cervix. Depress the applicator entirely
- Wait 10 minutes. REALLY IMPORTANT! It's best to do this a bit ahead of time.
Spermicide is no longer effective an hour after insertion, so plan on using more if intercourse isn't completed before this time. Leave spermicide in for an hour or so afterwards to ensure effectiveness. Do not douche for 8 hours afterwards.
Whether or not you make birth control available is up to you, but kids should at least know where to find birth control. The options mentioned above are available at most drug stores or supermarkets. As with anything, practice makes perfect (bananas work fine I hear for practicing applying male condoms if you're female).
In part 2, I'll do my best to cover the big STD's your young adult should know about, which ones are curable and which ones are not, symptoms, and other stuff.