Terror In Breakfast Land: Cereal Killings Continue to Baffle Police.
The entertainment world is reeling in shock and horror again this morning as late last evening KooKo Bird the beloved spokesperson for KoKo Puffs Cereal was found brutally murdered in his Bel Aire estate. KooKo is apparently the latest victim in a series of shocking murders which have sent many breakfast food spokestars into hiding and their sponsors demanding stepped-up security from law enforcement authorities.
The killings began late last month when police discovered the naked and horrifically mutilated bodies of Quisp and Quake in a wooded area off the Santa Monica freeway. Seven days later the Trixie (the Trix Rabbit) was found dead from severe dehydration in the sauna of a Bally's on Rodeo Drive with a message from the killer scrawled upon his chest in pink lipstick reading simply: "The BEAR is NEXT." Sugar Bear immediatley went into hiding at an undisclosed location, although stated, through his representative:
"Obviously I am very upset, very frightened; not only for myself but for all my fellow spokestars whom I love and respect. However, I have faith in our elected officials and law enforcement professionals and I know that they will bring this twisted maniac to swift justice. Meanwhile let's all try'n stay cool."
Police as yet have no clues as to the identity of the killer, but are, in the words of Police Commissioner Gordon (whose daughter Barbara was conspiciously absent from his side at this morning's press conference):
"...actively pursuing all leads, even those called in by obvious crackpots. Moreover, my good friend Bruce Wayne phoned just minutes ago to assure me yet again that all of his considerable resources were at the command of my office. I am certain we will apprehend this psychopath before he strikes again."
Others, however, do not share the Commissioner's optimistic point of view. Officials from France have confirmed that Tony the Tiger has formally requested asylum and representives for Lucky (the Lucky Charms Leprechan) have released photos which show that Lucky's multi-million dollar Brentwood mansion is now being gaurded by armed members of the Gambino crime family.
President Bush, as usual, had no intelligible comment.