Last night, Brubs wrote a heartbreaking account of the passing of his friend Ken. Ken's partener of 26 years, Bob, was not in the hospital room to hold Ken's hand, to whisper loving thoughts and cry as his lover, his soul mate, his husband made his final journey. He was barred from the hospital by Ken's family. Instead
a nurse sympathetic to Bob’s situation and in violation of the hospital policies, came to the car window and delivered the news to Bob that Kenneth was gone. And Bob said his goodbyes and wishes of love and peace to a picture. A fucking photograph. Held to his chest as though he were holding his loved one in tears. Because that was all he had.
As I wrote in a comment in Brubs' diary, I have never been a part of the GLBT community, nor had any vested interest in it's causes, though I do whole-heartedly support gay marriage and equality for all. It was just an issue I was aware of and agreed with but didn't really do anything about.
Reading that diary opened up something in me. I cried for people I don't know. I cried for Ken, his dignity and final wishes stripped from him at his deathbed. I cried for Bob, sitting in the car saying his final goodbyes to a photo instead of his loved one. I cried for Brubs, who sat with Bob in the car, mourning the loss of one friend and seething with anger over how his other friend was treated. These people are not abstracts, not nameless, faceless cogs in a machine. Nor are they part of some vast Gay Conspiracy. They are flesh and blood and tears, with the same hopes and fears, wanting the same out of life as everyone else. To love and be loved. To make a family, to make a mark in the world, to live. And to have a good and dignified death, when the time comes. That is what was stolen from Ken and Bob. Stolen away by people twisted with hate and hurtful ideas, twisted by a fear of the "other", by pure bigotry. Ken's family may have thought they loved him, but they denied his very essence, and by doing so, only loved an idea, a figment of their imagination. They sat in a room while a stranger died.
After reading this diary, after crying in sympathy for people I have never met, but who seem like kind, loving folks, I got angry. I am angry at Ken's family, for the heartless way they treated their son-in-law. I am angry at the minority in our society who share those bigoted views. I am angry that the laws of this great country still allow for the discrimination of my fellow human beings. I am angry, and I want to help. I want to DO something, no matter how small.
I want to help change the attitudes of people who are indifferent to the suffering of others. People fear what they do not know. Homosexuality is feared because people do not understand it. Many people do not understand that being gay or lesbian is not about sex, it is about love. It is no different than heterosexuality. Yes, procreation is hardwired into us as a species. But love is stronger, I think. Everyone - gay, straight, or bisexual - wants to be loved. To be valued as more important than anything else in another person's life. If more people realized that love truly binds us together, perhaps they could begin to let go of the fear. To let go of ideas based on perception, rather than reality. When we feel a connection to someone, when we sense common ground, we are much more likely to accept them, even if we don't agree. We don't need to make everyone like homosexuality. We do need to make everyone aware that no one deserves to be treated like an outcast. Humanity as a whole is strengthened when we uphold the basic rights of every man, woman, and child. When attitudes change, the world changes.
To that end, I have written the following email. I quoted Brubs' entire diary (with one minor edit) and shared my personal feelings on the issue, as well. If Brubs is ok with it, I plan on sending it to as many people as I can. Someone in the other diary suggested that these types of stories have more impact when they come from the GLBT community, from the people who are directly affected. I agree that the emotional impact is greater, and polititians could certainly be swayed more by a personal first-hand story, but I strongly feel that regular Americans' attitudes need to be changed on a grassroots level, so to speak. The people who are most resistant to GLBT equality are not going to listen to the opinion of a GLBT person as readily as that of a fellow heterosexual. It is sad to say, but seeing a family member, a neighbor, a coworker, or a friend embracing gay marriage and equality can make it "OK" for someone to do the same. If I can change just one or two minds with this email, or inspire someone to become more active for gay rights, then I will feel like I contributed to a worthy cause, that I helped make a difference in someone's life. I encourage all my fellow Kossacks to reach out, in honor of Bob and Ken. To do this small thing that could make such a huge difference. Please feel free to use my email, or write your own to reach out to your friends, family and acquaintances. The more hearts and minds we change, the better.
Dear friends and family,
The other night while I was on the computer reading a few blogs, I came across a story that broke my heart. It made me cry, and that does not happen to me very often. I was deeply moved and wanted to share it with you. Please read it. Let me say that it is about gay marriage and equality. Some of you may not agree with me that gays and lesbians should have the same rights as everyone else. Some of you may feel that "traditional" marriage is threatened by civil unions or gay marriage. You may want to skip reading this, because you think you will not agree with it. Please don’t. Read it and put yourself in his place. Imagine it is you and your spouse in that situation, or your parents. You don’t have to agree with homosexuality to agree that every human being deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. All I ask is that you open your heart. I apologize in advance for the harsh language in the email, but I do not want to alter it because it conveys the depth of this man’s anguish.
"Tonight, surrounded by his family, my best friend Kenneth took his last assisted breaths in a hospital known for its "compassion and care" in the area. His family held his hands and whispered their loving goodbyes while the life slipped from his body and he went to his rest. A sudden heart attack claimed him.
But someone was conspicuously absent...
In the parking lot, Bob, his partner of 26 years, said goodbye to a photograph. It was a photograph of he and Kenneth on vacation celebrating their honeymoon 6 years ago after having been "married" in a ceremony that meant nothing more than symbolism to a society that was, at turns, benevolent about the whims of a few gay folk, yet smirking about his love for another person of the same sex. "Have your fake ceremonies, for what they are worth, but don’t get obnoxious and ask for anything actually bordering on legal or realistic." society told them. But Kenneth & Bob took it, because validating it to one another was really what counted. But tonight, it ended up needing to mean so much more.
Bob carried that photograph in his wallet as a reminder of his relationship and what it meant to him. Tonight, he said goodbye to a smiling face in a picture because he had no legal right to be present to say goodbye to his loved one in person. So Bob sat in the parking lot in the passenger seat of my car and wondered the fate of the man he had given his love and life to. He held the only thing at that moment Kenneth’s family could not take away from him – that photograph.
The hospital, at the behest of Kenneth’s family, had banned Bob from Kenneth’s room, or seeing him in the hospital at all. 26 years treated as though they were mere passing acquaintances or work colleagues. Simply because Kenneth’s family could never accept their son’s orientation (NOT "lifestyle" as some refer to it).
Tonight, a nurse sympathetic to Bob’s situation and in violation of the hospital policies, came to the car window and delivered the news to Bob that Kenneth was gone. And Bob said his goodbyes and wishes of love and peace to a picture. A fucking photograph. Held to his chest as though he were holding his loved one in tears. Because that was all he had.
His partner is gone and his partner’s family took away the dignity that Bob had a right to as Kenneth’s lover, confidante and lifemate - as his husband.
To his family:
You took away Bob’s right to say his goodbyes because of your own misguided fears, but you can never take away his love or his memories. Your son deserved to hold his partner’s hand as he went away, knowing Bob loved him and was there to see him to the other side. You heartless bastards...I hate you right now. You may laugh at our relationships and dismiss them, but your God weeps for your ignorance and cruelty.
You will never take Bob’s devotion to Ken away from him...or the smiling photograph of he and Kenneth in happy times.
Ken, tonight, we say goodbye to your photograph. But we know you understand and forgive us.
You will be missed."
After you have read this, go hug your wife, or your husband, or your parents, and think about the relationships you have. Think about what they mean to you. Now consider if those relationships were denied. All anyone wants is to love and be loved. It is the most fundamental of human emotions. If this story moved you as much as it moved me, please consider sending it on to others. I truly believe that human equality is worth fighting for, and that humanity as a whole is strengthened and uplifted when every man, woman and child is afforded their basic human rights and is treated with kindness, dignity, and respect.
With love and warm regards,
Spudnic