It was the perfect storm of residential crime in Mayberry RFD: a hapless unarmed man breaks into a little-old-lady bungalow and flees because all at once he's mobbed by a ravaging horde of hungry cats, he's surprised by an overcaffeinated latte-sipping liberal who's just been reading about Dick Cheney and is on a righteous rampage, he's befuddled trying to puzzle out which keys are for which car he's attempting to steal, and the neighborhood is crawling with police officers and crime-sniffing dogs named Axel and Bruno.
Last week, I diaried about the intruder who broke into my house a few days ago while my daughter and I were home. Neither my daughter nor I was hurt, thankfully, nor directly threatened. We were incredibly lucky. The intruder wasn't armed; he fled as soon as my three cats came running into the kitchen expecting food, and my daughter, hearing the cat stampede, came into the hallway and snapped on a light.
And now Part Deux: The Insurance Strikes Back.
He managed to grab my keys and a couple other small things in the few minutes he was in the kitchen, and he tried to steal the car on his way out into the night. But I have two cars in the carport and he wasn't sure which went to which key, so he hit a button on the key fob and the car honked--and at that exact same moment, police sirens were wailing from a few blocks away, where a dance studio and a child-care center were being broken into and robbed. (Yeah, I know. It's like something from "Blade Runner.") Ti
ming.
It's all about timing.
So he ran. He ran through the briars and he ran through the brambles, and he ran through the bushes where a rabbit couldn't go. He ran so fast that the hounds couldn't catch 'im, down from ol' MsSpentyouth's to the Gulf of Mexico.
We were so, so, so, so lucky.
But life isn't a catchy song or a punchy sitcom, not even here in North Carolina. We've been incredibly, unbelievably, astonishingly lucky when it comes to house-intruding robbers, but we've hit a snag with pocketbook-intruding insurance policies.
I'll tell you now: this is a crazy story.
Putting in new locks on the house was an easy matter and was readily covered by my homeowner's policy. And I naturally figured that I'd get the locks replaced on my car, too, as the robber has my keys and knows where I park my car (in an unenclosed carport). But replacement of car locks is not covered under either my homeowner's or my auto insurance policies, because the two policies categorize the key in different ways.
You see, my homeowner's insurance policy excludes the theft of the car key because although a house key is considered "personal property," a car key is considered "vehicle equipment." And in North Carolina, vehicle insurance policy also excludes the theft of the car key because "vehicle equipment" is not specified as being covered by the policy.
Now, with my house key, my homeowner's insurance policy covers the replacement of the LOCKS of the house. But the auto insurance policy covers only the replacement of the KEYS of the car, because it's defined differently under the law. Which means that my car is unprotected from theft, because the robber has the exact duplicate of any key to the current locks that I would have and knows where the car is.
Imagine the number of times in the past ten days that I've had to play straight man in endless repetitions of the "Who's on First?" insurance sketch.
INSURANCE REP: No problem, ma'am. We can get the key replaced for you. That's covered by your policy.
ME: You mean duplicated?
INSURANCE REP: Yes, we can get a replacement key made for you and we'll cover that expense.
ME: How will that protect the car, since the robber has the exact same key?
INSURANCE REP: I don't know.
ME: That won't do much good, will it?
INSURANCE REP: It can get you into the car and you can use the car.
ME: You mean for now, while it's not stolen yet.
INSURANCE REP: Yes, exactly.
ME: And once it is stolen, maybe the robber and I can trade off days to drive the car and maybe share the cost of gas?
INSURANCE REP: Ma'am, there's no need to be sarcastic. Perhaps you could park the car at a friend's house.
ME: And then my friend could just drive me home and then come pick me up whenever I need my car to, say, go to a friend's house?
INSURANCE REP: Sure, it's one solution.
ME: What's another solution?
INSURANCE REP: Well, we could get you a replacement key. It's covered by your policy.
Uh. Yeah.
But wait--there's more hilarity yet to ensue.
In my research on this issue with the (very kind, don't get me wrong, they were very nice) staff of the N.C. Insurance Commission, I as the insured am responsible for the protection and security of my vehicle. So if my car is stolen now that both I and the insurance company are aware that the keys have already been stolen, the theft of the car will not be covered and I will be responsible and liable for the loss.
Let me repeat that: If my car is now stolen, the insurance company has legal basis under state insurance laws to claim that I am responsible and liable for the loss because I know that my key has been stolen.
There is a gap of parodic proportions between contract terms here. When my house keys are stolen, the policy term "larceny" means one thing (insured property or equipment is stolen), but when my car keys are stolen, the policy term "larceny" means something else (excluded equipment is stolen). Even when the property theft itself (in this case, keys for two different items) is equivalent if not identical and the theft occurs in a single incident.
Which explains why I've been busy canceling credit cards, fending off fraud attacks (go ahead and ask me about the six pairs of yellow shorts I apparently ordered via my credit card the day after the robberty), replacing locks and window latches, and noodging my state representatives into sponsoring a bill that will rewrite North Carolina insurance law.
So be nice to your cats--but send them to bed hungry, just in case intruders come into your kitchen in the middle of the night. Send your kids frequent links to Dick Cheney news items that make them apoplectic with rage at 2 a.m. Keep an extra car lying around to confuse robbers who don't perform due diligence before they nab and grab. And call your N.C. representatives and senators to support the MsSpentyouth Car Key Theft Bill when it comes up for a vote this fall.