Welcome, all and sundry, to the first public convention of Birthroots Nation. We've been meeting in secret for the past 50 years or so, but now that the wingnuts have cracked the code on our surreptitious shenanigans ... well ... eff it, let's do it live!
Birthroots Nation amplifies secret cabalistic leftwing voices by providing an online and in-person campus for exchanging ideas. The convention offers learning opportunities to train conspirators in the use of technology to manipulate the new world order. Through our annual convention and a series of regional salons held throughout the year, we strengthen our community, inspire action, and serve as an incubator for ideas that will bring forth continuing opportunities to take over the world and force ordinary Americans to support our evil plan to create more jobs, improve education, raise living standards, ensure a safe food supply, and safeguard human and civil rights for all.
The first open gathering of Birthroots Nation will take place at the White House in honor of the successful clandestine takeover of the presidency. Our puppet dictator, "President" Barack Obama, will host the gathering. Participants will receive a lovely array of welcome gifts, including fake birth certificates, forged travel papers, and a list of international penpals who can attest to a variety of family relationships. Free t-shirts and bookmarks will also be distributed to all registered conventioneers.
The convention will feature panels led by national and international birthroots experts; a film screening series featuring documentaries that chronicle our evil schemes; practical training sessions and workshops on a variety of nefarious topics; and the most concentrated gathering of conspiratorial bloggers to date.
Some of the workshops featured in the upcoming convention:
Disseminating Sasquatch Sightings to Manipulate the 2010 Congressional Elections: a panel of renowned experts on human-animal hybrids will discuss the successful effort to clone stem cells from secret FEMA farm camps and release the resultant creatures in time to assure the outcome of upcoming elections. Audience members are invited to bring samples of their favorite stem cells for a post-session cloning in the bar adjacent the conference center.
Data for Dastardly Dummies: Open-source software holds the key to collecting, analyzing, and reporting skewed data that demonstrate the superiority of the left's plan of world domination. This panel will share insights and observations from some veteran poll manipulators and pseudo-quasi-analysts that might help you skew the next set of poll data you cook up.
The Revolution Will Be Twittered: The past eight years have brought about a dramatic evolutionary shift in national campaigning with the insidious technological takeover of blogs, social networking, online video, and text messaging. Freedom-loving candidates for major elected office can no longer be elected without a significant integrated online strategy that makes them beholden to the power of their techie geeks. This panel of experts in Internet strategy for national campaigns will look back at what we've learned through the successful Socialist takeover in the 2008 campaigns across the United States, and look ahead to see what the evil geniuses have come up with to brainwash voters in upcoming advocacy campaigns.
Social networking events will include the Bonfire of the Hannities, where coup celebrants will burn fake birth certificates, lick LSD off specially embossed notary seals, and toast marshmallows in the shape of Lenin. A keynote luncheon will feature a secret speaker (whose identity will be leaked when we're damned good and ready) and a variety of marijuana entrees and appetizers. Free massages and abortions will be available in the conference center lobby.
If you're an evil blogging genius who wants in on the lucrative political scam we've been running since before "President" Barack Obama was born, register now via secretly coded emails to our leader, George Soros.