SUBJECT: The first 6 months
TO: President Barack H. Obama
FROM America
Mr. President, I know you and the Missus were up late last night, drinkin' and dancin' and I don't blame you one damn bit for celebrating. But sir, here it is, January 21, and we have a few things that we need to get done, so I thought I'd put it in an informal memo, just between you and me.
I'll lay out your first week, day by day, and I'm going to tuck this under your calendar on your desk in the oval, so you won't lose it.
Day one.
Mr. President, we need you to sign this massive income/estate tax reform memo. It's plain that the economy fell off a cliff last year, we knew it, it's just that one of the most serious of the consequences is just now showing up - reduced state/federal tax revenue. And rats, its right about the time we are pouring money into Recovery projects and unemployment extensions. So what we need today is a massive tax increase on everyone making more than $250k a year. We're talking max tax rate of 90%, sir. These are the people who not only can afford it, taxing them will not subtract a dime from what they spend, plus they're the ones who have benefited over the last 20 years of tax decreases. And don't forget to initial that 90% estate tax, with deductions of course for businesses.
Day two.
Good morning Mr. President, it has come to our attention that instead of that $800 billion stimulus, with over half in tax breaks, it should have been 3 or 4 trillion, with almost none to tax breaks. This is a ten-year hole we fell into, sir. It ain't over, hell, we haven't even seen the bottom yet. Maybe won't see the bottom til 2010 sometime. We think $800 billion PER YEAR for five years, is probably about right.
Day three.
Mr. President, it's me again. Today we need to re-enact tough regs on the banks and other financial institutions who caused this mess. Everyone here agrees, all the other reasons pale in comparison to what these criminals did and continue to do. And be sure to set aside a little time this afternoon to sign indictments for a few of the CEO's. Yes sir, we'll have them all laid out on the table, so you can get them done quickly.
Day four.
Mr. President, I hate to be a pest, but we're almost finished with the most critical things. Now we need to you sign this bill, to fund a massive renewable energy project. It's like the Manhattan project only it won't blow up, I promise. Plus it will employ about ten million or so in good clean jobs. Train em, put em to work, and clean up the world. Yes sir, I think it's a good idea too.
Day five.
Mr. President, I see you came up with this one all on your own. You want to enact strong NAFTA checks and balances. As you say, it's only fair, and these should have been in there when Mr. Clinton had the job, but what the hell. Have him over for a beer. I totally agree with you, there's no way any skilled jobs should be going offshore. Bring back the technology jobs, the renewable jobs, etc that have been lost since NAFTA. You've hit the nail on the head with this one, sir.
Day six.
Mr. President, good morning. I'll only take up a few minutes today. We need you to sign this executive order enacting a strong carbon tax. It attaches a fair cost to burning anything, a cost that is passed on to the end-user. Of course, sir, we can use credits etc., to help out low-income and middle-income types that this hurts.
Day seven.
Good morning Mr. President, how was church? Well I was going to take the day off, but there's this one little thing, then I promise - no more interruptions. Here, we need you to sign this executive order that taxes the profits of health insurance companies at 100%. Thank you sir, now you can take a walk or something. Maybe go rub the Missus' feet, or play with the kids or that cute doggy. Good day sir.