Although the faculty of Blogistan Polytechnic Institute are once again busy in the wine cellar library, drinking thinking about our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum ("More wine, more truth"), we recalled the insight of our esteemed Professor Plum, who wrote with a weightiness akin to verbal obesity, "The crystalline nature of domestic construction materials may mitigate against the utility of geologic projectile demonstrativeness."
We ran that through our Academic-to-English translator and found: "Those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." Wise words indeed, and given our faculty's reputation we were somewhat reluctant to engage this week's mail.
More below the fold....
"Love," as lyricist Paul Francis Webster wrote, "is a many-splendored thing." Of course, Webster also wrote the lyrics to "Secret Love," the Professor of Astrology Janitor's second favorite song. His favorite is Jackson Browne's "Rosie," a poignant commentary on the nature of fame and loneliness. Or maybe it just captures the sad essence of the Professor of Astrology Janitor's unrequited dream that, one morning, he will wake up to a hand ... that earns Chef's respect and affection, or at least a big stack of her chips.
This was not that morning. The best hand he woke to was a pair of Queens, and while Chef didn't improve on the Flop, Turn, or River, she didn't need to. She had a pair of Kings. This set off the Professor of Astrology Janitor's signature mewling - which sounds vaguely like the backup vocals in "Rosie," albeit not as melodic - and sent Chef to the kitchen to mix up some Royal Breakfast Hash. This left your lowly mail room clerk to ponder how love, that "many-splendored thing," can sound so unnatural when some people discuss it....
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
I will never understand how you liberals think. I made a perfectly sensible observation, that pornography leads to masturbation and all masturbation is inherently homosexual, and that's how homosexuality gets inflicted on people ... and of course a liberal cable news host made fun of me. Is that because she's one of those people, or just because she's a liberal?
Michael in OK
Dear Michael,
We hesitate to speculate on the motives of others, but we suspect the cable news host in question was responding less to her sexuality or liberalism than to the baffling absurdity of your thesis. If you're unable to see a distinction between autoeroticism and homosexuality, we suggest you need a better dictionary ... and probably some counseling.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
But you don't get it. We conservatives love America. I say it often. I love my country so much I get all teary about it. That's why I noted in my most recent book that, back when this country that I love so much was founded, we actually valued citizenship so much that the Constitution protected a ten-dollar tax on immigrants. And you liberals took that all out of context. I wasn't saying slavery was good. All good Americans, the people I love, know slavery was horrible because it corrupted white culture. And don't ask me what white culture is because I won't step in that trap. Can't you see my tears of love all over this letter?
Glenn in CT
Dear Glenn,
We feel compelled to note that trap seems to be one of the few things you won't step in. We also feel compelled to note that the tax in question had nothing to do with valuing citizenship, as those "immigrants" were not treated as citizens. Instead, they were treated as property. As to whether you should define "white culture," we understand your position. Were you to specify what you meant by that phrase, you'd lose even more sponsors and probably your job, leaving you at home to indulge in racist-nationalist autoeroticism. And we know where that leads....
P.S. We did note the tear stains on the letter. However, we suggest that in the future, rather than using your missives for facial tissue, you use them more appropriately ... as toilet tissue.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Okay, that was uncalled for. Are you implying that people like Glenn in CT, who love America and are proud of their white culture, are engaging in something like pornography? That's absurd. Pornography turns one's love inward. What does that have to do with loving this great nation and the white culture that created it?
Michael in OK
Dear Michael,
Far be it from us to suggest that your and Glenn in CT's "love" for this country is autoerotic. We will let your thoughts speak for themselves on that issue.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Ooh, "Rosie" is one of my favorite songs too. It doesn't describe my life anymore, but there was a time when it did. Do you have a good video of it? And, pardon the segue, how do I make that Royal Breakfast Hash?
Not Lonely But Hungry in Blogistan
Dear Not Lonely But Hungry,
We're happy to hear you're not lonely anymore - we shudder to think what that might "inflict" on you - and in fact we do have a good video of the song in question. As for Royal Breakfast Hash, first spread five cups of par-boiled hash browns in the bottom of a casserole dish. Then mix one cup cream of chicken soup, 1/2 cup sour cream, 1 cup finely chopped and cooked corned beef, and 1/3 cup each diced onion and green pepper in a bowl, add salt and pepper to taste, and spread it over the hash browns. Bake at 350°, uncovered, for 40-45 minutes until it's bubbly and the top begins to brown, then sprinkle with shredded cheddar cheese and paprika. Bon appétit!
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Happy Sunday!