The rancid apple hasn’t fallen far from the crooked tree. Elizabeth "Liz" Cheney – also known as "Lizzie Borden" Cheney – is haunting our airwaves and rattling the ghostly chains of fear. But what qualifies her to give opinions on TV lambasting the current administration and stoking deep, dark fears that should be paralyzing us all? Has she been elected to anything? Does she merit expert commentator status on any legitimate network? Can she summon an army of flying monkeys to do her bidding? We have the answers.
Here are thirteen things (13 for bad luck) you should know
about Dick’s daughter before the Time of Darkness befalls us:
- She is the lovechild of Dick Cheney and Lon Chaney.
- However, she is not a lesbian like her sister, Mary "Shelley" Cheney.
- Each morning for breakfast, she drinks a glass of
fresh blood drawn from a pure-of-heart liberal child.
- She worked for the State Department for five years and the U.S. Agency for International Development between 1989 and 1993. Her father got her the
latter job by threatening to devour the soul of the Agency’s director.
- After 1993, she took a job at Armitage Associates LLP, a consulting firm started by Richard Armitage, Iran-Contra operative and Republican warlock.
- In 2002, she was appointed Deputy Assistant Secretary of State for Near Eastern Affairs. The Middle East quickly advanced to "hell-on-earth" status since.
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