Fortunately there are no mirrors in the wine cellar library here at Blogistan Polytechnic Institute. Were the resident faculty to see themselves drinking thinking on our motto of Magis vinum, magis verum ("More wine, more truth"), the universe as we know it might end. Up might become like down - or standing up might become falling down - and our wine book budget would get out of control. Absent those mirrors we fear no warps in the spacetime continuum, leaving only the warps in this week's correspondence.
More below the fold....
Warps are a common worry in the staff poker game, as the Professor of Astrology Janitor keeps a close eye on whether cards get bent in play. For example, when Chef folded a pair of Jacks to his pot-sized reraise before the flop - and showed him the Jacks - he was sure one or both of his Aces must have been bent. He turned them this way and that, scrutinizing them exactly as he would scrutinize his carefully-buffed floors if he could pick up the floors and turn them this way and that. Finding no flaws in the cards, exactly as he would find no flaws in the floors if they were as pristine as those cards, he let out exactly the kind of plaintive mewls Pootie the Precious might make if she had the personality, poker skills, and vocal characteristics of the Professor of Astrology Janitor.
This sent Chef scurrying to the kitchen to whip up Horseradish Scrambled Eggs, a connection your lowly mail room clerk recognized immediately, exactly as she might recognize an encoded binary signal received via SETI from Zeta Reticuli, correcting the Drake Equation and describing the creation of Homo sapiens sapiens. That is, it made as much sense as this week's mail....
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Did you hear President Obama's Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech from Norway where the long winter nights are like those here in my beloved Alaska and our brave troops stand ready if Vladimir Putin enters the airspace of my memoirs and maybe that's why the president's speech was just like the speech I would have given about the fallen nature of man and our brave troops so it was familiar and I should get a Nobel also?
Sarah in AK
Dear Governor Airspace,
Yes, we did hear President Obama's speech. We agree it was exactly the speech you would have given if you were not you. In fact, the two of you must be so alike because he lived in Hawaii and you briefly visited Hawaii and he also briefly lived in Indonesia and you lived in Idaho, and those both start with the letter 'I' so really you're exactly the same except for all the ways you're different ... like ... everything. Also.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Look, we all know the reason we're in a recession is because of President Obama's stimulus package. Spending money on things like infrastructure is killing jobs. Republicans want to create jobs just like Democrats do, and we know the right way to do that is to cut taxes and spending and let the private sector work exactly like it did under Republicans.
John in OH
Dear John,
Would that be the Republicans whose trust-the-invisible-hand approach to economics created the recession? We suggest there is ample historical evidence for how to recover from a deep economic recession, and cutting government spending is exactly what that evidence would suggest if that evidence were exactly the opposite of what it is. There's also ample historical evidence for how to avoid a recession, and tax policies that concentrate wealth in the hands of the wealthy would be exactly how to avoid a recession if, again, the evidence were exactly the opposite of what it is. So you're correct in exactly the same way two plus two equals seven.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Enough with this nonsense. The problems we have now did not happen because the Bush administration was too conservative. The problems happened because the Bush administration was too liberal. In order to restore good government, Republicans must return to the mainstream American values of the tea party movement. Don't you agree?
Jim in SC
Dear Jim,
We agree exactly as we would if you had explained how unicorns wrote the Declaration of Independence. Describing the tea partiers as "mainstream" and the Republican leadership as "liberal" is reasonable in exactly the same way claiming mankind was not created by a divine being but by aliens from Zeta Reticuli is reasonable. Please let us know when you wake from that dream.
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Dear Ms. Crissie,
Okay, when do Horseradish Scrambled Eggs fit into this? Soon, I hope.
Confused and Hungry in Blogistan
Dear Confused,
Oh dear. The horses in the Horseradish Scrambled Eggs are the ones who, even with the help of all the king's men, couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Humpty Dumpty, of course, having appeared as a character in Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking Glass: "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said in a rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less." Which makes exactly as much sense as today's mail.
But you can have breakfast very soon, because Horseradish Scrambled Eggs are quick and easy to make. Beat four eggs - probably best not to choose eggs that fell off a wall - then stir in one slice of ham cut into cubes and one teaspoon of horseradish. Then scramble in a buttered skillet over medium heat. Bon appétit!
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Happy Sunday!