Ah yes, the Real Americans have caught on to us at last! But it's obviously too late for them, as we have passed important legislation against the will of the Real Americans!
I am referring, of course, to the recent legislation which has preserved our Glorious Workers' Socialist Paradise! I will reveal the name of that legislation at the bottom of this diary!
More on the flip, Comrades, as we review the wonderful government control of your lives -- and the glorious benefits to those who are Enlisted!
Let us review the benefits in our Socialist Workers' Paradise:
FREE HEALTH CARE FOR LIFE. Yes, you won't have to pay a dime of co-pays, nor will your dependents, for the rest of your life.
Of course, you will have to choose from among several million government-bureaucrat-cleared physicians.
FREE HOUSING. The glorious Pentagonal collective might sometime select the housing for you, but in most cases you will be free to use your housing allowance to select a residence of your own. The basic housing allowance, which can be upwards of $4000, which goes by the devious acronym of BHA, can be used on a mortgage (by which you accrue equity, of course), a rental, or for one of the all-utilities-included Government built-and-run housing units on one of our communes (aka bases). When you have to move, though, the meddling all-controlling government will not only pay all your expenses, they'll select a mover for you and even have them come in and pack your boxes. The government will even ship your personal vehicles for you, anywhere in the world where you're assigned!
The government will even supply a place of worship to you if you choose to live on the Goverment Commune (base)!
You may even be eligible for free clothing, although of course the GOVERNMENT will select what you can wear and when and how you can wear your clothing (as well as your haircut, etc.)
AUTOMATIC PROMOTION AND SALARY INCREASES. Yes, it's true, you will have to obey your superiors in lockstep and perform your job function exactly in order to accrue new salary grades. But these happen based on your seniority on regular schedules, regardless of the economic circumstances or government budget deficits. When you reach the pinnacle of the specialty that the government chooses for you -- and yes, comrades, the government knows better what occupation you should pursue -- you could be earning a six-figure income! You could even retire with a six-figure pension (read on!)
SUBSIDIZED SHOPPING AT GOVERNMENT-RUN SHOPPING COLLECTIVES
These Glorious operations, reminiscent of GUM, are called "Post Exchanges" and "Commissaries" and there you and your family will be able to shop for groceries, necessities, gasoline -- but there's more! You can buy lawn mowers, Christmas ornaments, even cigarettes and liquor at the PX/Collective Store! All at prices lower than the EVIL FREE MARKET sets! And you will be able to continue to use these facilities for LIFE!
RETIREMENT AS YOUNG AS 38 YEARS OF AGE! Yes, you can retire on half pay as young as age 38. During the time of your Socialist service, you will also be eligible to contribute to the Glorious Socialist 401(K)-style plan known as TSP, or the Thrift Savings Program. And of course after your mandatory government service is over, you can continue to collect the retirement income even as you earn a so-called "private" salary, earning more Government Socialist Benefits such as Social Security and any other of those Socialist retirement programs available -- you can even contribute tax-free to your TSP still! And when you retire, remember that subsidized government shopping, as well as use of Government Commune Recreational facilities ranging from Gyms to Sailing Yachts to Golf Courses will continue to be available to you for LIFE!
GOVERNMENT JOB PREFERENCES FOR LIFE!
When your primary service is over, you will be given preference over other qualified applicants -- and even some more qualified applicants -- for a variety of positions within the vast Government Bureaucracy. Your spouse, if trailing you, will be assisted in obtaining a job and be given similar preferences, particularly at our Government Commune-bases.
YOU'RE COVERED EVEN WHEN YOU DIE.
The Government will select a burial plot for you if you choose.
There are some obligations for Workers in this new glorious Socialist Paradise, of course.
The government can tell you what to do whenever it wants. You and your family may have to move every three years, or even more often.
The government has to approve your marriage plans (don't worry, it's usually pro forma) and will instruct you on how and when to file a will, obtain (subsidized) life insurance, even how to care for your children if you are called suddenly to service away from them.
And you will, of course, be put in harm's way for the good of all the people in the glorious socialist republic.
And a reminder: you may only retain these benefits if you DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE TOLD BY YOUR SUPERIORS. NO EXCEPTIONS. DO NOT QUESTION YOUR LEADERSHIP.
But these are very small liberties to sacrifice for participation in our Great Socialist System! So, you are asking yourself by now:
HOW DO I GET IN ON THIS GLORIOUS SOCIALIST REVOLUTION?
Very simple: visit your nearest US Armed Forces Recruiting Office.
And this, Comrades, is thanks to that legislation I mentioned:
The Defense Reauthorization Act of 2010.
THANK YOU DICTATOR FOR LIFE OBAMA FOR MAKING OUR SOCIALIST WAY OF LIFE POSSIBLE!