After 11 months of unemployment, today I accepted a job with a company, and while this should be a joyous moment, I find it to be one of difficult pain.
I never thought that I would be unemployed for such a long time in my lifetime. I got a taste of long term unemployment and I have to say it was a very dark place, thinking of all the education I went through and also some of the career choices I made seemed so 'arrogant' when I was in the middle of this.
As little as a month ago, I was thinking about applying at the local grocery store for a managerial position. I don't want to belittle people who does those jobs. In fact, I am always impressed with the professionalism I do see from the managers at my grocery store. I was torn because had I had any clue this would be where I would be working for my prime employment years, I would have had preferred to have the money spent on my education back so I could have my own home. It would have been a better use.
But why do I find this to be a difficult transition. The largest has to do with my mother. If you have been following my diaries, you know my mother was diagnosed with multiple myeloma last June. She was very sick, and me being unemployed, I moved in and managed her life and her illness the best I could. I got her into a rehab program (with great, great resistance), I found her an assisted living home she could stay at until she got chemo treatments, I moved her in, and I also tried to get her long term care insurance activated.
She eventually did move back into her house, and I became the Mom at home. A role I thought I would not be likely to have in life. All that time from June 2009 until now we have been living on her social security and my deceased fathers military pension. I am 32 years old, and I can't tell you how bad that made me feel. How difficult this situation was/is. But I did it. I started looking for employment in early October. I just got my new job today.
Now her health is somewhat better. The cancer is incurable, but the oncologist felt she could have 3 quality years of life at least. One of those years is almost up, but she is now able to do some cooking and some gardening, and arrange her trinkets the way she likes. We have a cleaning lady, and a assistant to the eldery comes once a week for a couple of hours to do whatever is needed.
But she really shouldn't be living alone. She can't drive. She is in danger of a serious injury if she was to fall.
I can no longer be the one to be here.
My new job is 75 miles away, and a likely 2 hour commute by car each way. My own health and well being are in jeopardy.
I have offered her several times that she could come with me, wherever I ended up. But I can't get her to leave the house behind. It's true that if she sold it today, she would probably take a 50-60,000 hit in value. But even with that she would have a nice amount of money out of the house, plus her monthly income, and I would be paying the bills like an adult of my age and ability SHOULD be doing. And if George Soros is to be believed, the house won't recover it's market value in her lifetime. I haven't told her that. It hurts me to factor in her morbidity into a conversation. She mentioned about 'croaking' the other day, and that was really hard to hear.
But I can't get her to come. She won't do it.
But I have to go. I can't be here, because there are no jobs here that wouldn't being throwing away everything I have worked for. I have to go - and it's breaking my heart.
If you knew the whole story my relationship with both of my parents, you would probably think I shouldn't really give a shit. But I do, despite all the pain and neglect. Despite years of not talking about things that really should have been talked about. I do care, deeply. I feel, deeply. I love, deeply.
A small measure of peace, in all things. Don't we all aspire to have this? I would like to be celebrating today, but it escapes me.