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There's all this stuff going wrong in the world - storms a-ragin',bullets a-flyin', toilets a-overflowin', godawful music a-chartin', bloggers a-hyperventilatin', kids a-failin' to get off your lawn, and so on and so on.  We're faced with the prospect of (gasp) having to fight for recent political gains in a (gasp) regularly-scheduled election.  There's oil in the Gulf of Mexico killing birds and fish instead of fueling cars, planes, and boats that kill birds and fish.  And that treacherous Obama, matching or exceeding every President in American history, when he should be exceeding them even more to compensate for our ignorance of the past - clearly this presages the End of Days.  It's in Revelations, people!    

ONOZ

There are poor people, and there's like crime, and stuff is bad, and there's like all this bad stuff going on, and like, stuff, man!  You say it's not that bad?  You say there is enormous progress being made, and that I'm deliberately ignoring it all because I like being a hysterical drama queen for attention?  You say that my whining for vicarious sympathy is unproductive?  Well, let me just say...shut up!  Shut up before I hold a sit-in on your sofa and wet myself in fear when your miniature Shih Tzu barks at me.

Every 5 minutes, someone on this planet is being confronted by the specter of an overflowing toilet.  Every minute, someone is searching their pockets for change to pay for their cigarettes, but coming up empty because they forgot to bring their wallet.  And every 10 seconds, someone is accidentally passing gas into the face of their sexual partner during oral sex, causing embarrassment and potentially endangering the relationship.  Clearly the world is spinning off its axis and spiraling into hot chaos, the horrors of which are beyond imagination.

Swing looooooooow...

Lady Gaga

Sweet chaaaaaariooooooot...

NissanCube

Coming for to carry me hooooooooome.

Conan Leno

I'm so depressed.  Just the other day, when I was out videotaping a plastic grocery bag flying around in the breeze, I saw a leaf fall from a tree, and it was so poetic - it reminded me that everything is empty, meaningless bullshit that should all just go away and fucking die, die, DIE until there's nothing left because it sucks.  Not that I care or anything, because "caring is bourgeois."  I saw that phrase framed on the wall at a local franchise coffee bar while waiting for my double-super-secret-ultra-grande-latte with Prozac toppings - something I normally don't get, but it was on sale for $19.95, and I reflected while I waited on how tragic it all is.

Chris Crocker

I thought about how disgusting everyone else in line for their precious java was, spending money on frivolities while people around the world starve, and other people are forced to buy substandard coffee.  I often think, while waiting in line at such establishments, how utterly repugnant and beneath contempt the patrons of such places are.  Man, civilization is collapsing, and all those stupid sheeple are just helping it on its merry way.  I see them all the time, in all the same places I go, doing all the same things I do.  But stupid-like.  They're not enlightened like me, so we're all doomed, DOOOOOOOOMED.

And I just...I just...sniffle...I can't handle the idea of, you know, doing stuff, and especially not for reasons that make sense and that I constantly tell other people they should act on.  If those stupid stupid-heads just do what I tell them, I wouldn't have to do stuff myself or evaluate information critically and in context.  Do you see how persecuted I am?  It's all so terrible, and now we're faced with the prospect of having to deal with another election!  Didn't we already have one in 2008?  Why do we even have elections if the people we elect are subject to periodic referenda on their performance - it's undemocratic!  

I already voted and contributed in 2008, dammit, and now they're saying I gotta do it again?  Well fuck you, Mr. Democrat - what have you done for me lately that is profound enough to penetrate my willful ignorance and solipsistic narcissism?  You haven't come down my chimney and delivered anything on my personal Christmas list, despite my leaving milk and cookies for you; so I don't see why I should act on basic self-preservation to keep you in office.  

But still, it's so depressing how inevitable it is that Republicans are going to take over everything again - I really wish there was something I could do, but I just don't see what it could possibly be.  I've done everything I could think of to help keep Republicans out - I viciously slander and try to discredit the most effective Democratic leaders every chance I get - but it still doesn't seem to be doing any good.  Those Republicans are just too crafty and cunning for us.  No matter how loudly we condemn our own people and ignore their accomplishments, Republicans always seem to benefit - it's beyond comprehension how they're doing this!  It just leaves me exhausted trying to figure it all out.

America is doomed.  The planet is doomed.  The solar system is doomed.  The Milky Way is doomed.  The universe is doomed.  Doom is doomed.  Other words containing the double-o sound are doomed.  Talking about how doomed everything is is so depressing and exhausting, it's amazing I have the energy to incessantly repeat how doomed everything is.  Or how futile any possible effort is, and how suspicious and morally suspect anyone who makes progress is.  To deny that we're doomed means you're part of the problem.  The only way forward is to admit that we're doomed, cease all attempts to do anything productive, and find a way to become less than useless to civilization.  Don't think that makes sense?  Well, that's probably because you're doomed.  Be afraid, be VERY afraid!

ronald-bitch-slaps

It's all over people!  We're on the Eve of Destruction, just like that hippie song from 45 years ago said.  Yes, I do know what "eve" means, dammit...what are you, the dictionary police?  Oh, you think it's funny, huh?  Well laugh at these profound lyrics, Funzo:  

But you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
Ah, you don't believe
We're on the eve
of destruction.

When will they ever learn?  How many millennia must people be told that the End is Near before they accept it?  How many times must American freedom and progress be declared dead before people get the memo and stop proving otherwise?  This is so frustrating!  And you...yeah, yeeeeeeew...with your hope, and your change, and your living your life and thinking your thoughts and doing things based on reality and making stuff work when I said it wouldn't...Oh, how I despise you.  It's almost like you want to WIN, ptooey!    

Originally posted to Troubadour on Sun Jul 11, 2010 at 06:17 PM PDT.

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Are whiny byatches a threat to the human species?

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| 761 votes | Vote | Results

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