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Welcome to the O’Reilly Factor,

It was great to see that ten billion people attended Glenn Beck’s Restoring Fear Rally on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. Only two hundred thousand people attended Martin Luther King Jr.’s "I Have A Dream" speech, so Dr. King has lost. Sorry, but look at the scoreboard.  I was shocked that he got Martin Luther King’s niece to speak at the rally. Don’t get Glenn wrong, this rally was about restoring fear, not about Martin Luther King Jr. in any way. I mean. Dr. King fought to give negroes the right to vote and to end racial segregation, and Glenn Beck is rallying so that people pay attention to his apocalyptic rants. It is completely different. Dr. Laura, by the way, has the right to say whatever she wants: I say she should perform at the Apollo, or at the Laugh Factory in West Hollywood. It would be a teaching moment.

My good friend Glenn Beck has courageously pointed out that Obama is a Kenyan socialist Nazi Muslim spy who feasts on the flesh of our grandmothers. Glenn may be wrong about the Gay Takeover of America (aka, Gay Marriage) but he is right about the socialism thing. Regardless of critics or facts, he sticks to his guns. You have to respect people who stick to their guns, even if they are dead wrong. Take Brett Favre or Dick Cheney for example. Dick stuck to his guns and shot someone in the face. That takes Maya grande werewolves raunchy-Cherrios. See, I can speak Spanish; and people call me insensitive.

Now Elizabeth Warren looks like a witch to me, or at least a lesbian vampire. I just call ‘em like I see ‘em, like major league umpires. She says she wants to regulate Wall Street, but I think that she is out to restrict freedom. We must reduce regulation so that we are free to harvest human organs at will. Let the free market decide whether or not CEO’s can harvest your juicy, tasty organs. This solution will also solve the health care crisis, as you will receive free surgery. You’re welcome!

Speaking of missing organs, the tea party candidates are sweeping the Republican primaries. From bored certified doctor Rand Paul to wax replica of Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, the Republican Party is proving that George W. Bush is the party’s intellectual figurehead.

Sure the Tea Party may want to do away with government, but what has the government done for me? The magical fairies who deliver my Social Security check every month will be outraged! I mean, not even the founding fathers advocated for the creation of a government.  The British were especially opposed to this idea, and now they are one of our greatest allies. Therefore, the liberal pinheads in this country are stabbing our allies in the back! Great job, you pin heads.

Now some of you might have heard that Christine O’Donnell admitted that she practiced witchcraft in the past. People, you are over-exaggerating this story. All she did was attend Anne Coulter’s sleep over and was confused by Anne’s Satanic alter. Truth is, Christine does NOT weigh as much as a duck, and therefore, is not a witch!

Now Newt Gingrich is in hot water because he said that Obama was an anti-colonial Kenyan. I cannot think of worst people than anti-colonialists. Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin should have been burned at the stake for high treason, if you ask me! Throwing tea into the Boston Harbor, what were those idiots thinking? REAL Tea Partiers wear tea bags on their heads and carry offensive signs to rallies.  

Why isn’t Elizabeth Warren in hot water for her stand on regulating Wall Street? We should be able to do business with anyone we want (except for France). We should be able to do business with communist China, Sudan, Zimbabwe, sweatshop owners, child traffickers, BP; in other words, there should be no regulations on the free market. Let the casino, I mean, free market, take care of itself. Just think about how tasty those organs will be. Anyway, Lincoln would be for slave trafficking, he only freed the slaves because he was burning hemp oil in the white house, and you’ve all seen Refer Madness. Scary documentary. Beat that one, Al Gore!

On a final note, President Clinton is now a vegetarian. This is worse news than having a Ground Zero Mosque; at least the Muslims eat some meat! His lesbian daughter Chelsea, who just got married to a woman (I assume Rachel Maddow) wearing a prop costume from the movie White Chicks, convinced her communist, pot smoking father to make the switch to a, get this, a vegan diet. I knew he plays with bunnies, but I had no idea he ate like one.

Clinton says that he is eating quote unquote better for his grandchildren and to live a longer, healthier life. No, he has it all wrong. What a loon. You need to treat your body like a hummer, filling it up with sweet, sweet cruel oil only to let it sit around in the garage when the economy crashes and gas prices skyrocket. This is how I live: I never leave this set, and I always have a fried Snickers double bacon burger handy just in case I need subsistence. That, and my daily recommended supply of organs: hospital dumpsters are full of these things. See, free market, free meals.

Think about it, Slick, you do not want to become a smelly, tree-sitting hippie like Julia Butterfly Hill, or physically weak like Bed of Nails Mattress Gandhi, whom I assume fasted for Yom Kippur on an everyday basis.

This has been The Factor. Be here tomorrow when I blame my disfigured face on Keith Olbermann's love of acid attacks. See you then.

Originally posted to TheNextDylan on Sat Sep 18, 2010 at 08:10 AM PDT.

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