I figure the 2012 predictions will start nonstop bombardment the day after the 2010 election, so I'm getting in early. Here's a completely useless rundown of Republican candidates, guaranteed to be at least as accurate as anything by Dick Morris:
EX-GOV. SARAH PALIN (AK):
PRO: Glenn Beck thinks she's qualified. Can keep an eye on Canada and Mexico while campaigning in border states.
CON: Would quit halfway through the first debate, you betcha. Also.
EX-GOV. MIKE HUCKABEE (AR):
PRO: Has amazing Teflon. Media rave about what a "nice guy" he is even after he compare same-sex marriage to "marrying an animal" and suggests people with AIDS should be "isolated" (ie, imprisoned).
CON: Why would he give up his cushy gig at Fox?
PRO: Dad told here where all the bodies are buried.
CON: No campaign events in daylight. Would have trouble finding enough interns to keep her sated with blood.
GOV. RICK PERRY (TX):
PRO: Good hair.
CON: Will have to give up US citizenship when Texas secedes.
EX-REP. NEWT GINGRICH (GA):
PRO: Has a unique first name. Manages to get on every single bobblehead show every single week, and is taken seriously no matter what extremist insanity he spouts.
CON: If he became President, media might stop fawning and ask him the occasional hardball question, and who wants that?
EX-GOV. MITT ROMNEY (MA):
PRO: Corporatocracy loves him. Still on his first spouse, unlike most Republican politicians.
CON: Multiple choice Mitt has taken pretty much every possible position on every possible issue. And after spending 2008 bashing his home state, probably couldn't even carry Massachusetts.
GOV. HALEY BARBOUR (MS):
PRO: Republican Governors Association chair. Wingnuts love the Confederate flag in his office and the fact that he referred to discussions of slavery as a "nit" in the glorious Confederate Heritage Month.
CON: CREW found him to be one of the 11 most corrupt Governors in the US, including personally profiting from Katrina recovery efforts.
REP. MIKE PENCE (IN):
PRO: Won a meaningless straw poll.
CON: Try to stay awake while he's talking. Seriously, he could be announcing that Elvis is alive and chocolate cures cancer, and you just wouldn't care.
SEN. JOE LIEBERMAN:
PRO: Very Serious People agree that he's a Very Serious Person.
CON: Not technically a Republican, but it's hard to tell. Also, he's unaware that he's not currently President.
CHRISTINE O'DONNELL (DE):
PRO: Campaign run by mice with fully functioning human brains.
CON: Mice may have fully functioning human brains, but she doesn't. Also, she's Not A Witch, and the economy could use a little magic.
RNC CHAIR MICHAEL STEELE (MD):
PRO: Fo'shizzle, this campaign will be off the hook!
CON: Would actually reduce the number of African-Americans voting Republican from single digits to negative numbers. Some would actually come back from the dead to vote against him.
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA (US):
PRO: Bobo Brooks, Tom Friedman and Andrew Sullivan would be thrilled at this bold display of bipartisanship.
CON: They still wouldn't think it was bipartisan enough.
PRO: High name recognition.
CON: Jewish. Favors social programs, opposes war, shows no interest in gay-bashing. And despite what wingnuts might think, not a US citizen.
JOE MILLER (AK), RAND PAUL (KY), SHARRON ANGLE (NV), PAT TOOMEY (PA):
PRO: Will all need jobs after 2010 election.
CON: If we do our job right, no one will remember them in 2012.