Dear Mr. President, I demand that you lead me! And by that, of course, I mean you should totally ignore your own judgment and pretend you're me, because managing my own life is just too hard - I'd rather manage yours. Talking to you in my imagination is much easier than taking responsibility as a citizen for my own role in America's progress or lack thereof. Some would say that my attitude is a symptom of the problem, but to those people I have a very clear and compelling rebuttal: Shut up! I did not join Daily Kos three weeks ago (UID: 47873221937293328) just to see it turn into a place where impotent, self-destructive whining and character assassination of Democrats is treated like a bad thing.
Now, I've thought about this very carefully - which is to say, I've studied my holy canon of HuffPo editorials, Glenn Greenwald articles, and Cenk Uygur screeds - and I've come to the eminently rational, constructive conclusion that the best way forward is to (a)completely destroy the Democratic Party, (b)turn once-liberal blogs into left-flavored teabagger hate spigots, and (c)demonize every identifiably human individual who comes within a country mile of holding office until the only people who can safely do so are those whose criminality exceeds all possible exaggeration.
I have heard the claim that this is all a pathetic, ego-driven attempt to deflect responsibility for our failure to produce a Congress amenable to our agenda. I have also heard the claim that obsessing on the decisions of one man indicates simple-minded authoritarianism incapable of self-governance in a constitutional, three-branch system. To everyone who thinks that, I think you'll find my counter-argument persuasive: Shut up!
It was not we who failed to elect a Congress that would pass our agenda - that was Obama's failure. He failed to make the American people do what liberal activists demand, which is the entire purpose of democracy - it even says so right in the Declaration of Independence, right after Thomas Jefferson's eloquent "Free Mumia" cantata.
Our choice is clear: Either we can get serious, return to reality, and focus on making progress like intelligent adult citizens of a democratic republic...BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA...(gasp) oooo, heh, I slay myself sometimes...or we can stop letting little things like elections, separation of powers, laws, political reality, and moral consistency get in the way of striking a blow for the proletariat. Come on, boys and girls, whaddaya say? Let's have a sequel to the Weimar Republic, with Reds and brownshirts battling it out in the streets in a colossal rematch - maybe the outcome will be different this time.
Surely, given everything we've seen in our history, the American people would prefer to be dominated by a bunch of obscurantist economic theoreticians, endlessly fractious identity constituencies, and limitlessly petty political nitpickers rather than be violently ruled by a bunch of fascistic dullards with simple-minded slogans and beliefs they can summarize in bathroom-stall graffiti. We're just a hop, skip, and a jump away from anarcho-syndicalism becoming a regular topic of dinner conversation in typical American homes, aren't we? Of course, some people insist this is a false dilemma, and that America's survival during the Great Depression largely rested on rejecting it in favor of more holistic politics, but they're forgetting one thing: Shut up!
If Obama won't force us to be competent citizens - another gargantuan failure on his part (why does he victimize us so?) - then I guess we'll just have to go for our own oligarchy instead of acting intelligently to prevent the right-wing version from ruling us. And to lead this Revolutionary Council, I propose the following triumvirate of strong, constructive leaders, who have proven their credentials as non-sellouts:
- Ernesto "Che" Guevara.
Relevant qualifications:
- Replaced an authoritarian dictatorship in Cuba with a totalitarian dictatorship (way to go, Ernie!)
- Failed at nearly everything he sought to accomplish.
- Visage sold at a profit on t-shirts.
Status: Dead, but we can work around that with some wires and a few skilled puppeteers. Anyone up for some digging?
- Travis Bickle.
Relevant qualifications:
- Independent thinker with his own reality...err, I mean, his own ideas.
- Non-conformist fashion sense.
- Complete loser with delusions of adequacy.
- Stands up to The Man.
Status: Fictional, but we can work around that. Failing to exist in our empirical universe is no obstacle to a committed reformer.
- Individually-Wrapped Plastic Spork.
Relevant qualifications:
- Feeds the homeless.
- Biodegradable.
- Versatile, combining the functions of not one but TWO utensils.
- Hard plastic, so will break and become totally useless rather than being flexible and disappointing.
Status: Inanimate object, but we can work around that. The day may come when the Spork too will betray us, but for now it is firmly under our control.
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Are you excited yet? Can you feel The Revolution stirring? Some might say that Barack Obama is the best, most progressive President America has had in generations by any rational standard, but the following facts refute that claim: Shut up! Individually-Wrapped Plastic Spork wouldn't cut deals with Congress, like an American President operating with a coequal branch of government - he would be firm and unyielding right to the glorious end when he snapped in two like a true hero, and was consigned to the Recycling Bin of Honor.
Here is my plan to replace the current leadership with our proposed Che/Bickle/Spork triumvirate: We absolutely must ensure that President Obama is unable to get his agenda through Congress. Toward that end, we should...
- Pack the Senate Democratic caucus with Blue Dogs who are little more than Republicans with D's in front of their names. ☑
- Blame President Obama when the Senate we elected refuses to pass sufficiently comprehensive legislation. ☑
- To the extent Republicans gain seats in the 2010 election, we should blame that on Obama too. ☑
- After the election, we should insist the President should pretend that failure vindicates us, and that any acknowledgment of reality represents capitulation. ☑
- Turn once-liberal blogs into anti-Democratic, anti-Obama slanderfests, and dam the financial organs of the Party while the GOP has just secured unlimited funding via Citizens United. ☑
- Watch in triumphant glee as 2012 delivers a government resembling 2004, only much worse.
- America becomes a starving, ashen-toned husk with roving bands of teabagger militia mass-executing libruls, soshlists, homasekshull faygits, and anyone who can read above a 6th-grade level, at which point we can bask in the vindication of our predictions in between scurryings for food and shelter.
- Spork, Che, and Travis come out of the sky on a sleigh pulled by magic reindeer and rescue us.
What do you say, folks? You pumped? I know I am.