I wrote about heterosexist privilege in July, mostly in response to some terrible comments and diaries that people had been writing on this blog. Today I'm writing a bit more about the concept, but this post wasn't inspired by happenings here. Rather, it was brought on by something that happened over Christmas.
My family had begged me to go to Christmas dinner this year. I generally try to find a way to stay home if I can, and sometimes I'm actually thankful to be having health issues when a family dinner is coming up. My conservative family is unapologetically racist and homophobic. It's difficult enough to live with the racism. I'm always surprised when I continue to get invited to family functions because I'm not shy about getting in verbal fights over racism and I've been asked to leave many family functions because of it. It's gotten to the point where my family will actually say something racist just so they can say, "Oh, sorry, Scottie. I forgot you don't like that type of language." That's bad enough but then homophobia from people who know I'm gay just really ruins any chance of having a good time.
I came out when I was sixteen. Sort of. I wrote a letter to a friend on a weekend. I was planning on giving it to her at school the following Monday. I outed myself to her. Someone I trusted. I hid the letter in a pillow to make sure nobody in my family ever saw it. I'd heard enough about beating up fags and how they should die and rot in hell to know that my family wasn't ready for me to come out to them. Somehow, though, the letter fell out of my pillow when I was asleep. The washroom was attached to my bedroom, so in the mornings, people would go through my room to get to it. My stepdad came home late one night really drunk and saw the letter, I guess on the floor, and read it.
I've mentioned the rest of this before: mom asked how I could do this to god, told me she couldn't love me the same, and wanted to institutionalize me or put me in a "camp." I'm only 26 now, so this wasn't some faraway time when everything was worse for gays.
I had to tell them it was just "a phase" because my mom wouldn't stop freaking out, over a period of months and my stepdad called me queer and fag all the time. When hospitals began returning mom's phone calls, it scared me enough to lie and say it was a phase.
I eventually told them again, of my own volition, when I was 20-21.
Every year since (as before), I haven't been able to go to a family function without someone starting a long discussion of gay people, and continuing that discussion throughout the hours I was there. And these people knew about me.
This year, I was happy and relieved that only one single comment was made and the conversation only lasted about three minutes. My mom and even a fifteen year old cousin joined in saying stuff about "queers". Nobody said that's probably not a nice thing to do. But I was relieved. It only happened once. Have you ever felt relieved that your family only attacked your very identity for just a few minutes rather than for hours? If you've never had to deal with that, that's a form of heterosexist privilege. Being able to sit down comfortably at a family dinner without fear of being attacked, either physically, mentally or emotionally is a privilege I am denied access to because I happen to be gay.
I've written before about this rainbow arm band that I wear all the time. Once I finally came out to everyone I was so freaking proud that I survived all the bullshit, so on a sentimental level it was important to me to express that even with something as silly as wearing an arm band. So, my mom saw it, and I am forbidden to wear it around the kids in our family. I can't even wear a freaking rainbow arm band, just a colored band, nothing sexual is on it. I still can't even express my own feelings about my orientation through a benign arm band. Yet I got to watch my cousins and their girlfriends suck faces the whole time. If you've never had to feel like your orientation is such a threat to your family that you can never, ever express it even in the most benign ways, that's another form of heterosexist privilege.
I had a pretty horrible time sitting through the homophobia, yet again. The funny thing, in a dark sort of way, is that people noticed my mood change right after all that shit happened, and they asked why I was suddenly so down. That, more than anything, made me realize that I have to explain the hetero privilege involved in every day actions. Believe me, I don't think people are too stupid to get it or something, I just think it's a rather difficult concept to understand and not everyone can realize every single time when they're doing something that might seem to me to be an expression of hetero privilege or hetero dominance over society. It's not the first time I was faced with the idea that heterosexual people actually think that we, as homos, should accept and tolerate language used against us, for various reasons. If the situation were reversed, a whole bunch of heterosexual people would be offended that they are forced to deal with that.
Indeed, I have an example:
And if a company is going to provide benefits for unmarried couples, why should it matter in this day and age if they are gay, straight, divorced, widowed or anything else?
This person got mad because a company in Arizona is offering benefits for gay couples who are not legally allowed to get married, but not heterosexual couples who are not legally barred from marriage. Funny, because gays have been upset for our entire existence that we are denied those rights. Yet, immediately after a policy is announced, a heterosexual person flipped out. Very interesting.
And of course there's marriage. We've all seen or heard the ridiculous arguments the Prop. 8 proponents have used by now about procreation and channeling people into babymaking factories for society's benefit. But, if you let people talk long enough, they'll let their real motives slip. And they're very ugly. First, you have the National Organization for Marriage going around the country all this past summer saying that it's all about the word marriage. That's what they want. Marriage is important to heterosexuals because of child bearing. And then, of course, they vocally opposed civil unions in Illinois and elsewhere. So it's not about that at all.
It's about the right of heterosexuals to own the word marriage and all the benefits associated with it, and to deny any class it wants those same rights.
And today, I happened to read an article in some news service I've never heard of, but apparently it exists in my state, Alabama. I figured it would be filled with the same inane stuff all antigay writings are filled with. But the author decided to let the antigay people's real motivation slip.
If Americans continue to enjoy the personal and social benefits of husband-wife marriage, [same-sex marriage] will not be inevitable.
And there it is, in all its glory. The problem with same-sex marriage is that heterosexuals will no longer enjoy a privilege they can deny to gays. That's their whole deal. Privilege. They want to own marriage and they want to subjugate an entire class of people. All it will take to deny marriage to gays is for heterosexuals to stand up and realize that they've been given benefits that some lesser people have not been given, and do they really want those lesser gays to be seen as equal?
The most frightening thing is, of course, heterosexuals have the upper hand. They can keep gays from marrying, if they want. They kept gays from serving openly in the military since the Revolutionary War. They've still kept us from antidiscrimination measures in employment. People listen to straight people. Increasingly, gays are getting a voice, I admit, but it's not on the same level as heterosexuals and probably will never be.
The problem with gaining our rights is that other people can squash us like bugs if they want. And it doesn't even have to be the opposition. Just have the opposition convince some otherwise good-hearted heterosexuals that allowing gays to marry will have a negative effect on their well-being. Just convince them of the same thing regarding military service. That way, you can get people who aren't even part of the vehement opposition to reluctantly oppose rights for gays. Just because they'll be a little less privileged.
In other words, privilege is a dangerous thing, even if someone is a well-intentioned person. It's worth thinking about the existence of privilege in one's life and how it affects your day-to-day activities and interactions with people. And how it creates fears that may not be entirely rational. It's not about gay people being "victims" to hetero privilege and it's not about making straight people feel "guilty" about anything. I know they didn't ask for this. It's just about examining your life and realizing that privilege exists and plays a huge role in the way you deal with adversities and differences in people.