HR3 has woken some very painful memories in me. You see, I was raped...but according to house republicans...I don't know...I asked for it? It was my fault? I was just stupid and deserved it?
I was 18, a college freshman living away from home at a small liberal arts college. I was a party girl...went out a lot, got drunk a lot, but I was a quiet drunk and my friends needed looking out for a lot more than I did when we drank. So I was always the one who made sure my friends got back to their dorms OK and weren't taken advantage of.
I remember exactly what I was wearing. A friend let me borrow a hot pink mini tank dress. She was 5'5 and I was 5'10...it was very mini and fit me like a glove. I was told I looked like a living Barbie doll(except with light brown hair). We were going to a party at the "party frat house". We often stopped by the house after the bars closed to have a little more to drink or smoke.
I had given blood that afternoon and noticed that I was getting drunk MUCH faster than usual, so I told my friend to keep an eye on me and not to leave me as we headed up to a room with about 10-12 people in it. I felt tired and a bit dizzy, but accepted the shots when they were given to me.
Then I was getting a backrub...I remember telling my friend that I needed to get home soon, I didn't want to pass out...
I woke up when he forced me. I was stunned to see no one in the room, and I think unable to grasp what was happening to me. All I seemed able to to was yell at him to stop and cuss him out. He finished and left me there...not saying a word. I called my friend's room and found out that she had gone home and was already asleep.
I stopped going to all my classes...it took 4 weeks before I could tell anyone what happened...and only because I had this horrible terrifying feeling that I was pregnant. If my friends hadn't been able to lend me money, or if there hadn't been a clinic to go to, I would have found some other way to get an abortion...even if it killed me. HE started dating someone that lived on my floor and slept over with her, showered in the floor's bathroom, was always in the halls. I was terrified to leave my room and ended up dropping out of school.
It never even crossed my mind that I was raped until my friend TOLD me. I didn't start believing it until a few years later as I slowly stopped blaming myself. About 4 years ago, I told my then husband (now ex) the story. His response? "Why the fuck didn't you fight? I would think if you wanted it to stop, you would have fought back."
Since I heard what was in HR3, this story has been buzzing around in my head. I needed the catharsis of telling it. I think of everything women before me have done to help women like me. If this law gets enacted, it says to me and to the many others like me that it IS my fault...I shouldn't have dressed like that, gone out and gotten drunk like that, I should have known better...I deserved it. And it won't be very hard to convince us, because I still fight those feelings today, almost 20 yrs after it happened.
Update: Thank you all for your comments...this is a great community. There are so many of us out there. Nobody needs to be alone.