Esby, here, your Egyptian correspondent with a breaking story about what we've always feared here in the United States is now coming true in Egypt: Muslims may be overthrowing the government! Here's the thing: they look just like us, though a lot of them are a bit darker, if you get my drift.
They're wearing jeans and hoodies, they have completely indoctrinated themselves into Egyptian society. You can't tell who is who! They say 80-90% of Egyptians are Muslim. It's America's worse nightmare come true! OH MY GOD! They have Sharia law. I am afraid I am being Islamified through everything that I touch or eat.
All I can do is sit here paralyzed and try not to move for fear I will face Mecca. I hope it is not in the direction of that Starbucks. And I cannot be tempted by their delicious falafels. Pray for me (Christians only).
These people have like the code of Omertà when it comes to ignorance that’s coming out of the mouth of Michele Bachmann and the rest of these people.
—Chris Matthews on the first gaffe-ridden speech Bachmann gave last week.
The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they're in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they're in salt water. I hear it gets even more complicated once they're smoked.
—President Barack Obama.
Usually I find the State of the Union address boring. President (of either party) unveils laboratory-crafted, poll-tested speech, full of promises that over the next year will systematically be broken: opposing party reflexively blasts same speech as lie-filled horseshit, counters with bevy of wildly optimistic, totally insincere policy proposals that they know have no chance of being implemented. It’s pretty much the same situation every year. The twist this year is that both parties seemed genuinely humbled a little by the Giffords incident and toning down the rancor just enough to leave the door open for a little genuine bipartisan cooperation – which I suspect really will occur when it comes time to enact those corporate tax cuts.
—Matt Taibbi
Well, they -- they've refused to talk about America exceptionalism. We are different than the rest of the world. Why? Because Americans have -- the country was built on an idea that ordinary people could decide what their government looked like and ordinary people could elect their own leaders.
—Rep. John Boehner (R, OH) on how Obama didn't talk about exceptionalism.
I don’t think we need the president to remind us how great this country is, we don’t need him to remind us how this country became as prosperous as it did.
—Rep. Jeff Miller (R, FL), on how Obama talked too much about exceptionalism.
Other countries have freedom of speech. Other countries have the rule of law. But American exceptionalism is an excuse for Americans not to either appreciate what other countries have to say or that they have nothing to learn, and that they don't have to abide by the rules that the globe makes. That Americans can create global rules but not have to be bound by them.
—former Canadian Prime Minister Kim Campbell
Out of respect, he watches the President's speech from his office and uses his desktop computer.
—Spokeswoman Debbee Keller on Rep Paul Broun's (R, GA) dismissive tweets from his office on the SOTU.
I guess tweeting out "You lie!" is better than yelling it.
That was another one of those WTF moments, when he so often repeated this Sputnik moment that he would aspire Americans to celebrate. And he needs to remember that what happened back then with the former communist USSR and their victory in that race to space, yes, they won, but they also incurred so much debt at the time that it resulted in the inevitable collapse of the Soviet Union.
—Space & Soviet Expert Sarah Palin on the SOTU.
Oh, Sarah. You inspire so, so many WTF moments yourself.
She wasn't asked a trick question like, "What do you read?"
—Bill Maher about Sarah Palin volunteering her opinion about Soviet history.
Michele Bachmann will not use a TelePrompTer, and will instead read off Sarah Palin's hand.
—Andy Borowitz
These six young men raising the flag came to symbolize all of America coming together to beat back a totalitarian aggressor. Our current debt crisis we face today is different, but we still need all of us to pull together. But we can do this.
—Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R. MN)
It is different. Waaaaay different.
How many times have we heard the Republicans talk about how Obama is nothing without his teleprompter?
—Sam Seder on Bachmann's response.
I felt like I just needed a drink when I was done with Paul Ryan. And then Michele Bachmann who is clearly not in touch with the mothership.
—Rep. Anthony Weiner (R, NY)
Like who walks around with proof of citizenship? If someone walked in here right now and said "Show you're an American," what are you going to do, show three maxed out credit cards and a foreclosure notice?
—D. L. Hughley on Realtime.
I went to school at Michigan State, I used to sneak over the border every chance I got, because I love your country.
—Rep. Jack Kingston (R, GA) to Kim Campbell.
Build the dang fence!
I don't believe that a creature crawled out of the sea and became a human being one day.
—Jack Kingston.
Because coming from a human rib is more believable?
Falsely claiming sex trafficking to health professionals to advance a political agenda is an astoundingly cynical form of political activity.
Stuart Schear, VP of Communications for Planned Parenthood, on the sting done by Lila Rose's anti abortion group.
I once forget my bookbag at an Olive Garden—that doesn't make me the mayor of Italy. (I am being told Italy doesn't have a mayor and I don't have a bookbag).
—Jon Stewart on Rahm Emanual's defense that a coat he stores at his Chicago residence shows he lives there.
She’s awful. She’s the worst kind of coward and gutless, sniveling worm.
—Don Imus on Rachel Maddow.
Stay classy, Don!
The Thunderdome Solution solves the problem of too few people paying into a system being used by so many: Two social security recipients will enter, only one social security recipient will leave.
—The Daily Caller's Mike Riggs.
The majority of Daily Caller's audience are men over age 65.
Will the GOP choose Mitt Romney, Sarah Palin, or just a gun with a flag pin?
—Stephen Colbert, on the 2012 nominee.
Bill, every time the Republicans go down the "acceptable route", the middle of the road – they lose.
—Laura Ingraham, on moving to the center.
Obama for Best Picture likes True Grit because it's about justice and never giving up. And John Boehner likes Inception because it's about a guy who works for billionaires to steal your dreams.
—Bill Maher
The Tucson shootings, the Virginia Tech shootings have portrayed firearms in a negative light and I think this will enlarge the debate and ultimately show that firearms are actually useful.
—Clark Aposhian of the Utah Shooting Sports Council, on a Utah bill to designate the M1911 the official Utah state handgun.
The official state bird is getting nervous.
Now the people have issued a, let's say, "last call". You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. In fact, you probably shouldn't go home, they're probably lighting it on fire.
—Jon Stewart on Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak.
I mean who are we to judge this man? He's only been president of Egypt for 30 years. He's still in his first term.
—Stephen Colbert
Just wondering who’s going to be the first New York Times columnist or MSNBC commentator to blame the chaos in Egypt on Sarah Palin.
—Mark Goldblatt on The Corner on January 28.
Because there's a lot of chaos in Cairo, and I can't wait to not get blamed for it—at least for a month.
—Egyptian expert Sarah Palin, referring in a speech to the supposed media boycott on January 29.
To date, the committee has approximately $23 million in debt: $15 million in loans, and $8 million owed to vendors.
—RNC Chair Reince Priebus.
Vendors? For God's sake, make sure Demon Sheep gets paid.
Quote the Ravin', a weekly roundup of quotes from around the internets, comes out every Tuesday on Daily Kos around lunchtime.