Esby here, and I'm excited to tell you about attending the rally on Saturday to help Texas secede from the United States. Me and the 43 Texans who showed up (not Americans! Shame on you!) came together with the innovation and drive that will help us take the state back from the United States, who stole it from the Mexicans.
Ideas were as diverse as those that came from "Bob" (Not his real name, but he slipped later that it was Robert), who suggested we harness the hate for the Dallas Cowboys by building a huge, energy sucking device, to this great guy "Rick P" who suggested we fill potholes with Armadillos to take advantage of one of Texas's greatest resources. Also, a suggestion by Cooter (his real name) to build a fence along the Arkansas border first, because it's small and we hate the Razorbacks.
A lady named "Miss Ann Thrope" asked a good question: where are Texans going to get their beer from? All the details are not thought out yet—after all, they are Republicans—but in time I'm sure they will have an answer.
So I salute the Republican who sponsored the bill: Mary Lazich and Mark Honadel As well as the other legislators who have called in to express their support: Ben Dover, Seymour Butts and Adolph Oliver Bush.
—Stephen Colbert, on Wisconsin's prank phone call bill.
It'll go down tasting like cotton candy, but it will have the impact of spinach.
—Morgan Spurlock, director of Supersize Me, on his new documentary on advertising and marketing, The Greatest Movie Ever Sold.
I’m not sure it looks real good, particularly in the context of a management rights bill, to have you exercise management rights over your own roommate, friend, and fellow party member. Because if that’s what can happen to a sitting state senator, what’s going to happen to you if you’re a nervous firefighter, teacher, or policeman — what’s going to happen to you if this bill passes?
—State Senator Bill Seitz (R, OH), on getting kicked off a committee that passed an anti-collective bargaining bill.
I am not making this up. Win on a game show and you can apparently run for the US Senate. That was when I realized the Democratic Party was fucked in '04.
—Jeopardy winner Ken Jennings who was once approached by the Democratic Party to run for the US Senate.
She hasn't made Sarah Palin jealous. So that's one indication she's not getting very far.
—Howard Fineman on Michele Bachmann.
The government has no business telling an individual what kind of light bulb to buy.
—Michele Bachmann (R, MN), on the biggest priority right now.
Keep government out of our light sockets!
—Slate's Joan McCarter
I’m getting married this fall, and I want to be clear: I don’t view these men as a threat to my upcoming marriage. I view them as a model for it.
—Ezra Klein, on two gay men, one of them who has Alzheimer's, who want to get married.
It's very disturbing that Scott Walker thinks that the Capitol is some sort of palace and he has his own palace guards guarding every entrance.
—State Rep. Nick Milroy (D, WI), who was tackled when trying to enter the Capitol last week.
Surely we can be more creative when it comes to more of our causes. Justice John Roberts told us to go for it.
—The Rude Pundit on the Westboro Supreme Court ruling.
Cable news has become cable noise. It was intended to be an opportunity to inform people, and instead it has become an opportunity to inflame people.
—Former CNN DC bureau chief Frank Sesno.
See because our president is so inexperienced in the private sector and in government and in actually running anything and making any kind of budget that inexperience has really made manifest in some of the statements he makes.
—Expert Executive Branch Critic Sarah Palin.
I know what Sarah Palin is running on. Run on sentences.
Can we stop the talk about "magic in my fingertips"? You know, magic is Shakespeare and Leaves of Grass and Stanley Kubrick. Who gives a fuck about 2 1/2 Men?
—Bill Maher on Charlie Sheen.
Sometimes when I am campuses for instance, people will say to me "Well, why is the ultra-right wing both against lesbianism and birth control?"
—Gloria Steinem on Bill Maher.
Wisconsin is not broke. It's part of the Big Lie. It's one of the three biggest lies of the decade: America/Wisconsin is broke, Iraq has WMD, and the Packers can't win the Super Bowl without Brett Favre.
—Michael Moore in Madison, Wisconsin.
That kid she is pregnant with her is Luke Skywalker! So logically if you are against her pregnancy that means you have align yourself politically with Emperor Palpatine.
—Stephen Colbert on Huckabee's criticism of Natalie Portman for being pregnant and unmarried.
People are equal, whether you agree with their lifestyle or not. People that you may not agree with are still people.
—State Rep. Pete Illoway, (R, WY) on a bill that would have prevented Wyoming from recognizing out of state marriages.
To compare that kind of courage, that kind of action, and to say that the Black Panther incident might be somehow greater in magnitude or is of greater concern to us, historically, I think just flies in the face of history and the facts.
—Attorney General Eric Holder
I was impressed with many of the folks I met in the crowd. While there were plenty of exceptions, as we've seen, many of the protesters I met were truly decent, kind-eyed, regular people. There was not the same pervasive, knee-jerk, pathological hatred that I encountered in Palm Springs.
—Right wing videographer Christian Hartsock on Wisconsin protesters.
[She's] probably driving around in her Bentley with a load of chickens in the back as barter to settle her campaign debts.
—John Head, an attorney for one of the vendors that claims that Sue "chickens for check-ups" Lowden owes money to for her campaign.
Lowden, a multimillionaire, still owed $750,000 in December.
If you watch To Catch A Predator, it's not really a 13 year old boy in the house, but the law is violated all the same.
—Wisconsin state Dem Chairman Mike Tate, on ethics charges being filed against Scott Walker for comments he made during a hoax call with who he thought was David Koch.
It is not an MTV show. One does not want to encourage teen pregnancy.
—Kathleen Jean Lopez on the Corner.
Since when are teens going to get pregnant because someone told them to?
But to me the whole point of civilized society is that everybody gets to move around freely without being constantly accosted by assholes for money. I think it’s dangerous to think of the free use of public property as a subsidy. I can see that with grazing lands maybe, but parking? Roads? I mean, what’s next – air? Are we enjoying “respiration subsidies” when we breathe?
—Rolling Stone's Matt Taibbi, on the privatization of everything.
You won't have John Ensign to kick around, ride with a crop, and dress in French maid outfits anymore.
—Adam Weinstein, on Ensign's announcement he is retiring from the Senate.
In the 1890's and the 1920's, these didn't come based on socialism or ideology. They were real problems.
—Jon Stewart, talking about government regulation to Sen. Rand Paul (R, KY).
Quote the Ravin', a weekly roundup of quotes from the internets, comes out every Tuesday afternoon.