My head is spinning. I can't figure out now if Teh Gayz are actually the most America-Lovin of all America-Lovers, or if the Sanctity of Marriage is actually undermining The Greatest Country On Earth, or -
I mean, I think I know now what John F. Kennedy was hinting at (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) when he told us not to ask what our country could do for us, but what we could do for our (wink) "country" (say no more, say no more).
I guess Marilyn Monroe found out that that was - unbeknownst to everyone at the time - the
Best. Pick-up Line. EVER.
Happy Birthday, Mr. President, indeed.
And just how did I stumble upon this stunning revelation? Why, none other than Almost-Maybe-Perhaps-I-Might-Be-Thinkin'-About-It-Depending-On-Do-I-Have-To-Report-This-Speaking-Fee-To-The-FEC Quasi-2012 presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has cleared up for me the awful cost to the country of remaining faithful:
"There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate."
Holy crap. Whoa. Well, that certainly would explain why Mark Sanford, John McCain, John Ensign, David Vitter, and Larry Craig are so passionately devoted to their country. And by "country," I mean, "johnson."
The rest of Gingrich's interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network was notable for what Gingrich left unspoken (wink, wink, nudge, nudge):
[diarist's inferences in brackets and boldface]
"And what I can tell you is that when I did things that were wrong [I didn't wanna be right], I wasn't trapped in situation ethics [too much like bondage; I prefer diapers, like my pal Sen. Vitter], I was doing things that were wrong, and yet, I was doing them [at least four times, but who's counting?].
"I found that I felt compelled to seek God's forgiveness. Not God's understanding [because how would God understand the trapeze and the whips?], but God's forgiveness. I do believe in a forgiving God. And I think most people, deep down in their hearts hope there's a forgiving God [otherwise - holy shit!]. Somebody once said that when we're young, we seek justice [and poontang], but as we get older, we seek mercy [and poontang]. There's something to that, I think.
"I feel that I'm now 67 I'm a grandfather. I have two wonderful grandchildren [that I know of]. I have two wonderful daughters [that I know of] and two great sons in law [that I know of]. Callista and I [ - it's "Callista," right?] have a great marriage. I think that I've learned an immense amount [Lesson Number One: Don't Get Caught]. And I do feel, in that sense, that God has given me, has blessed me with an opportunity as a person."
Gives "congressional perks" a whole new meaning.