To my recollection, I haven't written a diary like this in a very, very long time. It's difficult for me to write personal diaries on Dkos anymore, given what I've been through in the past.
So, lemme just try to start fresh: it is nearing the middle of the night and, by all accounts, I should be asleep right now. I've had a very trying last three days and, honestly, I am fucking exhausted. I'm one of those people who has to have the bed, the covers, the lighting (etc.) just right for when I doze and/or take a good snooze but, tonight, I could most definitely fall asleep right here, right now, at the computer.
But that's not discouraging me from this diary. I don't exactly know how I can possibly help this community from the "Obama sucks" vs. the "Obama rocks" meta wars, but I suppose I think maybe I can? Since I have been in both camps before?!
Maybe, maybe not. Maybe this will help, maybe it's just a midnight offering from a chick who can't freaking sleep. Who knows? As always, time will tell.
Speaking of time, months ago, I was going to write this outright snarky diary on all of the ways that Obama supporters try delegitimize Obama "haters" on Daily Kos, and there's some serious merit in that. In all actuality, there's also probably a lot of merit in Obama supporters writing a diary kicking Obama critics' ass. Just sayin', up front.
Because, in truth, there are a ton of hurt feelings on both sides and, quite frankly, I'm not sure the Democratic Party can survive this latest inner-party turbulence. At least, not in its current incarnation. I am long since past trying to rectify how I feel personally with the present Democratic Party Platform (and the lack thereof in Barack Obama's administration), and what I have to do, in my own Shizzy life, to make up for the very wide and obvious gap between the two vantage points.
I mean, seriously, I just don't give a flying fuck anymore about what the Democratic Party wants, needs, or pretends to "stand for". Because I don't believe anything that the Democratic Party, on the whole, says in 2011. I have felt fucked over by Democrats, on a semi-regular basis, since 1988. To my way of thinking, I have never been a "yellow dog Democrat", because the issues are more important to me than the party itself.
The bottom line, for me, is quite simply this: I believed, for damn near 25 years, that the Democratic Party stood for ideals that I held dear, in a moralistic and personal value sort of way, but I no longer believe this to be true, neither of the Party itself nor of its purported leader, Barack Obama.
And I'll tell you why. I'll respond to any question you think is important to ask me, and I'll respond as honestly as I can, and I'll try to give Obama supporters some glance into how disaffected Democrats truly feel, and why. I think that's the best I can give to you, and to me, in the short term.
Because, regardless of what you think, I don't want fucking Republicans to win in 2012!
Generalized questions are listed (with my answers) below. Of course, I can only speak for myself here, but I've talked to a good deal to other Dkos disaffected Democrats in the past year and a half, and we're all pretty similar in our thinking. I can only promise you, at the outset, that I'm not lying, I'm not exaggerating, and I honestly feel this way.
Other than that, you're on your own.
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Q: Do you hate President Barack Obama?
A: No, but I am severely disappointed in him as our Prez. I'm a cynic now, but there's also a part of me that is (and definitely was) a total idealist/romantic. I believed everything the guy fucking said, from 2007 to late 2009. I saw him speak at the DNC in 2004, and I fell in love with the man, as an elected official. Barack Obama was exactly what I thought the Democratic Party wanted and needed: a bridge-building, super-smart titan of immense skill and charisma. He was sort of, like, the anti-George W. Bush.
Q: Did you really believe all of that "Yes, we can!" and "Hope!" and "Change!" rhetoric shit in the 2008 election?
A: Yes, I absolutely did. The only thing that can verify this for you are the tears I have shed in the past 2+ years, as I slowly figured out that I was oh-so-wrong.
Q: Are you, or were you, a PUMA?
A: Ha ha ha! No, certainly not. I used to admire Hillary Clinton quite a bit, and I stopped doing so when she refused to leave Bill's ass after he cheated on her. I was fairly anti-Hillary during the primaries.
Q: Do you believe yourself to be a racist?
A: Not really. I'm sure I have a few blind spots here and there that I'm unaware of, but I truly believe that the "You're a racist!" bullshit talk on Dkos has been ramped up because honestly maligned members of minority parties take it out on us. In the psychological community, I believe they refer to this as "passive-aggressive behavior".
Q: Do you think you've said/done some things on Daily Kos that are pretty horrible?
A: Oh, HELL yes! I am absolutely far from perfect. Ask anyone who knows me well in real life and you'll have confirmation of that, in spades.
Q: Did you vote for Ralph Nader in 2000?
A: No, but I probably would have, if I had lived in a Democratic stronghold state at the time. I voted for Al Gore. Since 1988 (when I began voting in local, state, and national elections), I have only ever voted for Democrats.
Q: You sound like a teabagger. Would you ever vote for a Republican?
A: Are you fucking kidding me?! No, no fucking way.
Q: Why do you object, and so strongly no less, to being compared to/called a teabagger, leftbagger, firebagger, Republican, Republican plant, purist, purity troll, and Obama hater?
A: Uhm, yeah. Think of the thing, especially politically, that you really despise, and do not even remotely define yourself as. Like, think of the anti-you! (Dramatic pause here for effect.) That's what you just stated about me. Not cool. Not even remotely cool, dude.
Q: Do you think you are more aligned with Republicans than you are with Democrats?
A: That would be a very strong "FUCK NO!". Republicans are fucking assholes, no holds barred. Only some Democrats are assholes, and not always holds barred. I just consider one party worse than the other, that's all.
Q: Do you believe that you need to vote for a Democrat, nationally, in 2012?
A: Not definitively, no. My temporary decision right now is to vote for Barack Obama as president again, if only for the future Supreme Court justice appointments. But, if the guy does something to seriously piss me off between now and then, I reserve the right to change my mind and not vote for him at all.
Q: Nationally, would you vote Third Party/Green?
A: The easy answer to that is yes, but only in a state that is solidly Democratic, and has votes that it can "throw away". In actuality, especially in 2012, I highly doubt I could (or would) do that in Colorado in '12.
Q: Why do you get so upset when I refer to other Kossacks as "whiners" or "bitchers" or "never being happy" or of "wanting a pony" or of being "nihilists"? Do you think I'm talking to you, personally? Because, most of the time, I'm not.
A: No, I don't think you're talking to me directly always but, honestly, I think this kind of talk attempts to suppress any and all criticism of Barack Obama. This pisses me off in a way that I've never been able to explain and/or describe before. It's weird and icky having to defend Democrats from other Democrats. Weird and icky, man.
Q: Why don't you ever acknowledge/highlight Barack Obama's accomplishments?
A: I do, and I have. I have numerous diaries and comments to show for this, but you can find them if you're truly looking. If you want me to link to 'em, that'll take much longer.
Q: Do you rec/tip comments or diaries that call to impeach Obama, call Obama "THAT FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!", or call our President names?
A: Not usually, no. You'd be hard-pressed to find something from me that recs/tips something personally offensive to Barack Obama. Although, to be fair, I called him either a "wuss" or a "wimp" once. And, still, I believe that Barack Obama is both a wuss and a wimp when it comes to Republicans. So far as I can ascertain, the man has very little backbone when it comes to Republican douchebags. And that seriously pisses me off. You probably have no idea how much.
Q: Do you want Barack Obama to succeed? Because you most certainly don't act like it.
A: YES! OMG YES, I WANT HIM TO SUCCEED, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH!!!
Q: Are you now, or have you ever been, willing to be wrong when it comes to our current president?
A: FUCK YEAH! In fact, if Barack Obama suddenly finds his nerves and Democratic Party Platform and shit, I will gladly retract everything I've said in this midnight diary, and then some!
/heavy sigh.
P.S. The diary title is taken from a talk given by Dr. Brene Brown, the video of which is listed below. It's one of the most brilliant 20-minute lectures I've ever seen, so I highly recommend it.