29 years ago, I was asked out on a date. It turned into a lifetime together because I fell in love and moved in on our first date. I was 26 almost 27, he was 46.
I knew all along he was likely to die before me. But I loved him so much it didn't matter. Even the day I came home and found the oxygen tank in our dining room and he told me he had emphysema and it became clear that likely had moved into the range of almost certainly, it didn't matter. What mattered was that I loved him and he loved me. That's all that ever mattered.
It's been 3 years today that he died. His older brother was in the hospital not expected to survive and he went out to Arizona to see him one last time. Even when you know someone is dying, you don't think that it will happen today. I wasn't thinking that he would die the day I got that phone call. I was thinking about deadlines and work that needed to be done before the weekend.
When you get a call like that, you realize how unimportant many things are - things that we spend most of our time on even, especially at work. Does the client I was working for even remember that I missed the deadline that Friday afternoon? Did it really matter in the long run?
I knew it would be bad; I knew it would hurt. But I believed the love we shared would be worth more than the pain. It was far worse than I thought it would be; the pain was indescribably horrible; I finally understood to the depths of my soul what the word heartbreaking means. But still, I was right, the love was worth more than the pain.
It was more than a year before I was sure I would survive the pain. Now three years after that fateful day, I'm rebuilding my shattered life. I can feel joy again. I am doing some things he would not have chosen to do. It felt strange at first making choices without the constraints of the other person's needs and feelings to take into consideration. But I cannot go back, the way is closed. So I must move on and do what is best for me now.
I know the love was worth the cost. He loved me unconditionally as I loved him unconditionally. I loved him more after 26 years together than I did the first year. He was my rock, the safe haven of my life. He gave me joy and caring and love and laughter. I miss him more than you can imagine.
The last word I said to him were, "I love you." It gives me comfort to know that he died knowing how much I loved him. You never know what words will be the last ones you say to someone you love, please say the words you would want to remember saying as often as you can.