Skip to main content

Bill Maher's final New Rule on Friday night's show laid bare the GOP's excuses for why, well, they even exist as a party.

And finally, New Rule.  Now that it's become clear that the Republicans, the fiscally conservative, strong on defense party, are neither fiscally conservative nor strong on defense, they have to tell us what exactly it is they're good at.

Because it's not defense.  9/11 happened on your watch.  And you retaliated by invading the wrong country.  And you lost a 10-year game of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden.  And you're responsible for running up most of the debt, which, more than anything, makes us weak.  You're supposed to be the party with the killer instinct.  But it was a Democrat who put a bomb in Gaddafi's bedroom and a bullet in bin Laden's eye like Moe Greene.  Raising the question, how many Muslims does a black guy have to kill in one weekend before crackers climb down off his ass?

Full transcript below the fold.

All right, New Rule, stop calling this place a mansion.  It looks like a 5-unit apartment complex in Van Nuys.  A mansion is where the Beverly Hillbillies live.  This is more like the house they show on the local news when some Mexican's pit bull has eaten a baby.

New Rule, stop saying "we" got Osama.  "We" didn't do anything.  "We" were watching Celebrity Apprentice and eating Funyuns in our sweatpants.  SEAL Team Six did the killing, with money we borrowed from Beijing that our grandchildren will have to pay back.  So it was a joint Navy SEALs, People's Bank of China, grandchildren operation.

New Rule, the White House doesn't have to release the dead bin Laden photos, but don't pretend that we can't take it.  We handled pictures of Britney Spears' vagina getting out of a car.  Come on, television has desensitized us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye.

New Rule, the Pentagon must apologize to Native Americans for giving such a universally reviled character as Osama bin Laden the code name "Geronimo"... and admit they should have gone with their second choice, The Donald.

New Rule, conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill bin Laden, must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place!  Come on, nutjobs, keep your bullshit straight!  The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records, so that a Kenyan named Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the towers!  And I know that's true because I just got it in an e-mail from Trump.

And finally, New Rule.  Now that it's become clear that the Republicans, the fiscally conservative, strong on defense party, are neither fiscally conservative nor strong on defense, they have to tell us what exactly it is they're good at.

Because it's not defense.  9/11 happened on your watch.  And you retaliated by invading the wrong country.  And you lost a 10-year game of hide-and-seek with Osama bin Laden.  And you're responsible for running up most of the debt, which, more than anything, makes us weak.  You're supposed to be the party with the killer instinct.  But it was a Democrat who put a bomb in Gaddafi's bedroom and a bullet in bin Laden's eye like Moe Greene.  Raising the question, how many Muslims does a black guy have to kill in one weekend before crackers climb down off his ass?

(wild audience applause)

Let's look at some facts.  Now, for you Fox News viewers, feel free to turn down the sound until the flashing "FACTS" light at the bottom of your screen disappears.

When Bill Clinton left office in 2001, the Congressional Budget Office predicted that by the end of the decade, we would have paid off the entire debt, and have a $2 trillion dollar surplus.  Instead, we have a $10.5 trillion dollar public debt, and the difference in those two numbers is mostly because the Republicans put tax cuts for the rich, free drugs for the elderly, and two wars on the layaway plan, and then bailed on the check.  So, so much for fiscal responsibility.

But hey, at least they still had the defense thing, right?  The public still believed Republicans were tougher when it came to hunting down dark-skinned foreigners with funny-sounding names.  But Bush had seven years to get Osama.  He didn't.  He got Wesley Snipes.  Only 6 months after 9/11, Bush said he didn't spend that much time on bin Laden, adding that he was no longer concerned about him, just as he wasn't before 9/11, when he blew off that mysterious, inscrutable memo entitled "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the U.S."  In under a year, Bush went from "Who gives a shit?" to "Wanted: Dead or Alive" and back to "Who gives a shit?"  Why focus on the terrorist who reduced Wall Street to rubble, when you can help Wall Street reduce the whole country to rubble?

In 2008, the candidates were asked, if they knew for sure that bin Laden was in Pakistan, would you send our guys in without permission to get him?  McCain said no, because Pakistan is a sovereign nation.  Obama said yes, he'd just do it.  And McCain called him naïve.  Who's being naïve, Kay?  And why can't you just admit that Barack Obama is one efficient steely-nerved multitasking black ninja gangsta President?

In one week, he produced his birth certificate, comforted disaster victims, swung by Florida to say hey to Gabby Giffords, did stand-up at the Correspondents Dinner, and then personally rappelled into bin Laden's lair and put a Chinese star through his throat without waking up any of his 13 wives!  That's how it went down, I saw it on MSNBC.

Look, 30% of this country will always vote Republican.  I'm just asking why.  Yes, paranoia, greed, and racism are fun, but it's like when you see someone driving a Mercury.  You think, did that person really wake up one day and think, "You know what car I really want to drive?  A Mercury Mariner."  No!  You assume he knows someone who sells them, or he was molested by a KIA dealer as a child.

And I know this all sounds like harsh truth, but Republicans are supposed to be the party of harsh truths.  Like, there's no such thing as a free lunch.  And speaking of lunch, I think Obama just ate yours.

Originally posted to BruinKid on Sat May 07, 2011 at 04:12 AM PDT.

Also republished by ClassWarfare Newsletter: WallStreet VS Working Class Global Occupy movement and Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

EMAIL TO A FRIEND X
Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags

?

More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

grytpype, fencepost, JekyllnHyde, Alumbrados, trillian, MichaelPH, buffalo soldier, Sylv, tmo, TXdem, dwellscho, Ducktape, wlkx, Trix, ROGNM, fcvaguy, MadRuth, thinkdouble, murphy, copymark, alyosha, roonie, Better Days, Subterranean, abarefootboy, MarkC, TrueBlueMajority, zubalove, BigOkie, RunawayRose, Sprinkles, Emerson, tommurphy, michael in chicago, Eman, Heimyankel, Sherri in TX, brendan1963, OLinda, Stein, etatauri, frsbdg, Gary in NY, brn2bwild, catullus, freelunch, Voodoo, WI Deadhead, MarkInSanFran, exNYinTX, expatjourno, hubcap, opinionated, Delilah, TheMomCat, bronte17, missLotus, Babsnc, I am Spartacus, TracieLynn, indybend, justme, smugbug, Dazy, fugwb, mbayrob, annrose, understandinglife, whenwego, Kraken, bhlogger, evilrick, ellefarr, CoolOnion, highacidity, PBnJ, gayntom, vmibran, farmerhunt, roses, pedrito, taonow, JuliaAnn, ivote2004, steelman, MazeDancer, itskevin, Cedwyn, antirove, KathleenM1, hopeful, wader, nio, revsue, Quege, worker, Texknight, SneakySnu, Braindead, Oke, RLF, VexingEyes, tidalwave1, Joe Bacon, hangingchad, liz dexic, nancelot, TexDem, NYC Sophia, Subversive, figbash, MA Liberal, mad ramblings of a sane woman, grannyhelen, johanus, dubyus, pilotweed, hoolia, westyny, astronautagogo, downandout, Jujuree, dwahzon, Bluehawk, defluxion10, never forget 2000, bmor, raster44, lcrp, evetodd, Chun Yang, bwintx, Bendra, blonde moment, djtyg, zerelda, glattonfolly, Curt Matlock, Vicky, tomjones, CanYouBeAngryAndStillDream, jcrit, TheOrchid, Black Max, bablhous, vacantlook, Nova Land, sebastianguy99, Frank Vyan Walton, sawgrass727, tami33, Julie Gulden, CPT Doom, drofx, ExStr8, bloomer 101, radarlady, Tinfoil Hat, Kewalo, Ckntfld, lilypew, Sam I Am, LarisaW, JanetT in MD, LisaZ, SherwoodB, democracy inaction, OpherGopher, Philoguy, Alice Venturi, Flint, willibro, one of 8, grimjc, elkhunter, panicbean, dewtx, ChemBob, drewfromct, Tod, Brooke In Seattle, YucatanMan, orson, FutureNow, boofdah, eru, Spoc42, Beetwasher, SaraBeth, McMeier, GreyHawk, Fury, Kayakbiker, Overseas, sheddhead, Little Lulu, markdd, babatunde, jane123, Rex Freedom, Carnivorous Plantling, davidslane, Cecile, SBandini, Tunk, Savvy813, Shotput8, mph2005, serrano, Jlukes, Joes Steven, Circle, Dunvegan, deepsouthdoug, tc59, peacestpete, kkjohnson, mightymouse, xanthippe2, Alan Arizona, Snud, WayBeyondSoccerMom, zozie, kathny, Jim R, Jim P, third Party please, LeftOverAmerica, Knucklehead, poco, gwilson, snazzzybird, stef, tommymet, cas2, myboo, Kingsmeg, vigilant meerkat, sherlyle, Clytemnestra, Themistoclea, andydoubtless, hungrycoyote, Ky DEM, Kimball Cross, Yellow Canary, liberalconservative, kestrel9000, technomage, KenBee, dougymi, deha, arlene, pengiep, carolita, luckydog, neecie100, blueoasis, danktle, 4Freedom, gpoutney, gooderservice, gatorcog, Libby Shaw, tapestry, Terminus, happy camper, myrealname, middleagedhousewife, istari5th, llbear, Helpless, Sardanicas, CA Nana, profh, doingbusinessas, Clive all hat no horse Rodeo, means are the ends, kurt, MadMs, Statusquomustgo, kurious, AllanTBG, sea note, markthshark, Quicklund, PatConnors, AntKat, DemOrDie, cpresley, Thinking Fella, ladypockt, ammasdarling, clinging to hope, pinkhighway, Cali Techie, BeninSC, hooper, Cronesense, Loudoun County Dem, byDesign, camlbacker, FWIW, ninkasi23, Debs2, Dartagnan, CenterLeft, vets74, BruceMcF, Pupmonkey, yoduuuh do or do not, jds1978, CTMET, edsbrooklyn, Cofcos, noofsh, Zero and Blind Terry, Jimdotz, terabytes, Wendy in FL, eOz, Unbozo, Uwaine, bnasley, artisan, HCKAD, jayden, buckshot face, letsgetreal, cyncynical, Bridge Master, carpunder, rogereaton, Librarianmom, Dion, Rumarhazzit, fallina7, JML9999, Badabing, eyesoars, spearfish, trueblueliberal, kdnla, Empower Ink, chicago minx, gizmo59, VA Breeze, JDWolverton, 123man, rogerdaddy, KLS, gundyj, revm3up, TX Freethinker, BobBlueMass, Captain C, RickMassimo, MikePhoenix, scooter in brooklyn, ScottyUrb, Youffraita, rikyrah, Involuntary Exile, bythesea, elwior, skohayes, CDH in Brooklyn, ajr111240, Akonitum, KJG52, weddedgay, TomFromNJ, royce, hwmnbn, Wek, left my heart, Jeff Y, Tam in CA, alnep, Seamus D, S C B, Gemina13, Horsefeathers, Drewid, jalenth, elpacifico66, phrogge prince, Piren, My Spin, DixieDishrag, BYw, nklein, Blueslide, allie123, Executive Odor, Nica24, Quilldriver, Guadalupe59, tristan57, ekyprogressive, HoosierDeb, dmhlt 66, angelino, DavidW, Robinswing, lissablack, fidel, fayea, etlingjm, Celtic Merlin, 207wickedgood, Old Woman, maggiejean, prettygirlxoxoxo, multilee, Rhysling, rubyclaire, cybrestrike, MufsMom, J M F, dhshoops, DontTaseMeBro, ARS, litoralis, mjkellett, greengemini, lostinamerica, Pariah Dog, jaf49, CanyonWren, be the change you seek, LeftOfYou, Nebraskablue, Zotz, Tara the Antisocial Social Worker, BlueInRedCincy, EquationDoc, aunt blabby, wuck, followyourbliss, geebeebee, zizi, MKSinSA, glitterlust, uno beagle, Alise, kw7777777, sanglug, hyper, IreGyre, babeuf, Little Flower, Dragon5616, Livvy5, Adept2u, Tommymac, RieRie, 3O3, collardgreens, Lefty Ladig, HeadnHeart, lompe, BigVegan, commonmass, brentbent, foufou, FogCityJohn, flitedocnm, TFinSF, diamondqueen, LaughingPlanet, NJpeach, eXtina, publicv, estreya, Bliss, brunoboy, gramofsam1, politik, Observerinvancouver, amk for obama, kjoftherock, michelewln, biggiefries, Polly Syllabic, alguien, SignalHill, 2questions, ATFILLINOIS, NM Ray, Eddie L, Arenosa, LouP, SevenSix, pixxer, ItsSimpleSimon, Hoopgreen, DiegoUK, Luthien Tinuviel, mideedah, Dalarna, Texnance, martini drinking atheist, MsGrin, skillet, ericlewis0, Floande, middlegirl, Nada Lemming, progdog, wwjjd, HylasBrook, Eric0125, Onomastic, Maximilien Robespierre, yellow cosmic seed, kerflooey, targetdemographic, agrenadier, Dretutz, spiraldancer8, Mico0109, nervousnellie, bgblcklab1, sfcouple, winter outhouse, nicethugbert, opoponax, Mr MadAsHell, MaizeandBlue, TerryDarc, La Gitane, poorbuster, Mistral Wind, FarWestGirl, asterkitty, kevin k, Dianasmom, California06, kpal711, THAT One, princesspat, cama2008, boomerchick, dcinroc, PorridgeGun, Engaged, zukesgirl64, laurnj, thomask, dle2GA, BarackStarObama, floridablue, tacklelady, LSmith, worldlotus, whoknu, Glory Days, healthy, FreeWoman19, peregrine kate, Nucking Futs, yaque, sound of progress, poliwrangler, Caddis Fly, diffrntdrummr, JoeEngineer, Democrats Ramshield, Dbug, Jantman, blue aardvark, zenox, disillusionedbabyboomer, Nightshade Q, googie, Tom Seaview, Jojos Mojo, jaebone, DEMonrat ankle biter, Davui, allergywoman, PrometheusUnbound, Nashville fan, ArtemisBSG, Mathazar, tennegirl, AnnetteK, Nena20409, jacey, nominalize, stormicats, AAMOM, Sneelock, JTinDC, RhodaA, OldDragon, DeanNC, We Won, qed, IndieGuy, foucaultspendulum, oldcrow, AnnieR, a2nite, Trotskyrepublican, evilhoodedcrow, Lh1695, Mollydog, DollyMadison, esby, Forward is D not R, belinda ridgewood, pot, BobSmith415, Ruh Roh, TBug, David Phillips, My Name Isnt Earl, Olkate, MartyM, pittie70, SoLeftImRight, Dave Robbins, Pequod, GDbot, avsp, arizonablue, etherealfire, Kinak, FrY10cK, bigrivergal, dotdash2u, Marjmar, amry, WheninRome, Sue B, Key6119, The grouch

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site