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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
>> The average Republican Henny Penny teabagger wouldn’t know Sharia law if it bit him in the ass. They're just a'scared of it because they're told to be a'scared of it.
>> There still isn’t enough material to assemble a volume of verbal gaffes and blunders called "Obamaisms."
>> If you say the words "Republican dictatorship" in front of the Koch brothers, put down some newspapers first because they're gonna make a puddle on the floor out of excitement.
>> The biggest morale-booster for Democrats this week: Newt Gingrich running for president.
>> The biggest success of John McCain's political career: making the Palins millionaires.
>> George Washington set the tone for the peaceful and orderly transition of power from one president to the next, all the way up to Barack Obama. So I gotta give him co-credit for getting bin Laden.
>> To promote self-defense among the citizenry, Americans should be able to, after undergoing a background check and safety course, get a permit to carry a concealed sack of vipers.
>> Ever wonder what the members of the FISA Court have been doing since they became irrelevant? Rollerblading, mostly.
>> Paul Ryan is not an idiot. He is, however, a fool.
>> Freshman Republicans in Congress suddenly want you to forget that FRESHMAN REPUBLICANS IN CONGRESS VOTED IN LOCKSTEP TO DISMANTLE MEDICARE. And y'know what? We should ease up on them. On November 7, 2012. For one hour.
>> I’d almost forgotten that Lou Dobbs was one of the first big-name pundits to fan the birther flames. But I'm glad I remembered it so I can call him a fearmongering jerk all over again.
>> I finally caught the little bastard who's been flying into the bedroom the last 46 years and sprinkling pixie dust in my eyes right before I go to sleep. The mug shots and court documents will be posted at The Smoking Gun around noon.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, May 12, 2011
Note: If you're heading to Minneapolis next month for the Netroots Nation convention, here's good news! The Wednesday evening (June 15) C&J meetup is taking shape. We're down to a couple locations that have enough peaflicker insurance to risk hosting us, but we do know that we're meeting in the lobby of the Hilton at 6:30pm. At the moment we're trying to get a rough headcount, so if you're interested in attending, please email my partner Michael at cuckolds04103@gmail.com and we'll keep you updated as more details become available. And we thank ya kindly.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Harry Potter and the Secret Nighttime Navy SEAL raid on Lord Voldemort's Compound: 56
Days `til the Garden Grove Strawberry Festival in California: 15
Number of U.S. tornadoes so far in 2011: 881
Number of them that occurred in April: 305
(Source: NOAA)
Percent of suburban women who approve of the job President Obama is doing: 55%
Percent who say they plan to vote for the Republican candidate in 2012: 29%
(Source: NBC News poll released Tuesday)
Amount of time that will be shaved from the Amtrak Downeaster run between Portland, Maine and Boston when upgrade projects are completed using federal funds originally earmarked for Florida but rejected by Gov. Rick Scott: 15 minutes
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
The conservatives have been preaching this Me First stuff as though life were a race to the finish and the only object is to pick up as much money as you can. It doesn't work---not even if you wind up with a lot of toys. As another noted economist said, we are becoming a nation of private opulence and public squalor.
Look, we all do better when we all do better. You raise the minimum wage, it works for everyone.
---May, 2006.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Fox News promotes Man-and-dog workouts. Rick Santorum faints.
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CHEERS to catching one BIG fish (who's now sleeping with a bunch of them). George W. Bush quickly lost interest in capturing Osama bin laden, asserting that the terrorist mastermind had become an almost-irrelevant figurehead in al Qaeda. But the more we sort through bin Laden's stuff, the more we realize what a huge blow his death is to the organization:
His personal, handwritten journal and his massive collection of computer files reveal his hand at work in every recent major al-Qaida threat, including plots in Europe last year that had travelers and embassies on high alert, two officials said.
The information shatters the government's conventional thinking about bin Laden, who had been regarded for years as mostly an inspirational figurehead whose years in hiding made him too marginalized to maintain operational control of the organization he founded. Instead, bin Laden was communicating from his walled compound in Pakistan with al-Qaida's offshoots, including the Yemen branch that has emerged as the leading threat to the United States, the documents indicate.
The only logical conclusion, then, is that America is safer than we thought we'd be upon bin Laden's demise. And that means---with no trace of sarcasm, I assure you---that we can declare victory and bring our troops home. But not quite yet, since we have to arrange their victory parade down Broadway. (Um…psst!…where the hell does one buy ticker tape these days, anyway?)
CHEERS to another loon behind another debate lectern. Yay! We've officially got Newt Gingrich to kick around again! Yesterday he flung his spittle in the ring, thus adding a whole new level of embarrassment to the GOP primary race. As David Corn said yesterday on Hardball: "Newt Gingrich is Glenn Beck with better syntax." One thing is certain: he will exit this race battered, bruised and bitter. In other words, the same as when he entered.
CHEERS to Yogi Berra. And happy 86th birthday to the baseball legend:
Yogi went on to become a Fifteen-time All Star, winning the AL MVP three times, in 1951, 54 and 55. He played in 14 World Series and holds numerous World Series records including most games by a catcher (63), hits (71), and times on a winning team (10), first in at bats, first in doubles, second in RBI's, third in home runs and BOB's. Yogi also hit the first pinch hit home run in World Series history in 1947. … Yogi was elected to the National Baseball Hall of Fame in 1972.
There are too many Yogi-isms to count, but one stands out as an apt statement on the Republican base: "There are some people who, if they don't already know, you can't tell 'em." Feast on a few more here. And if you ever come to a fork in the road, take it!
JEERS to today's disappointing correction. Yesterday we applauded the Navy for announcing a policy that would allow chaplains to marry same-sex couples on base. That was, shall we say, premature. Tuesday they reversed course because it may have run afoul of DOMA or something. Doesn’t make any difference at the moment, anyhow, since 'Don’t ask, don’t tell' hasn’t been fully repealed yet. But still, it's cool to see that the Navy is actually overeager to grant gay servicemembers complete equality. Yesterday on MSNBC I saw some guy from the hate group Family Research Council being asked about the decision, and all he could do was scowl and huff about what a travesty it all this respect for gays was. I loved it---he had the look of a bigot who knows it's all over but the surrender ceremony on a battleship. And, to make it extra-official, under a disco ball.
P.S. Delaware Governor Jack Markell will be on our "Who won the week" poll tomorrow. Thanks to his signature, the state is now the eighth in the country to offer civil-union rights to same-sex couples. Add five states with full marriage rights and that's 13 states, or 26% of the country. And we're just gettin' warmed up.
P.P.S. And now the Presbyterian Church is officially O.K. with teh gays, too? Ahhhh!!! Slow down! All this love is overloadin' our circuits. Give us…[checks watch]…okay, that's enough time. Who's next? Hello, Mormons?
CHEERS to the "Mad" Father of Broadcasting. 103 years ago today, Wireless Broadcasting was patented (#887,357) by Kentucky melon farmer Nathan B Stubblefield. It looked something like this. They called the early years of radio "golden" for a reason. Limbaugh hadn't signed on yet.
CHEERS to bagging another bad guy. Oh, President Obama, now you're just showing off. His Justice Department just scored a 14-count conviction against…let's just call him Mr. Soulless Bigwig Asshole Insider Trading Guy:
The conviction, announced in Manhattan federal court, is a significant victory for federal prosecutors, who have been cracking down on insider trading in the wake of the financial crisis. … Prosecutors played dozens of wiretapped phone calls in which [Raj] Rajaratnam discussed proprietary information on big companies, including Goldman Sachs. The prosecution said the recordings showed Rajaratnam received information from Rajat Gupta, a former Goldman board member, which he used to make $17 million in illegal profits.
He faces 20 years in the slammer. More like this please.
CHEERS to great moments in history. 219 years ago, the self-flushing toilet was patented. Or, as some people call it: "Pulling the fire alarm at Fox News."
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Five years ago in C&J: May 12, 2006
WHATEVER to coming up short. Professional carny David Blaine's latest publicity stunt was a failure. He tried to break the record for most time spent in a bubble but wimped out for some silly reason like imminent death (meanwhile, the president's own endurance record is nearing the 5½ year mark). Blaine promises to return soon to attempt an even riskier stunt: quail hunting with the vice president.
JEERS to censoring the good guys. Reason #342-plus-infinity why I despise the knuckledragger wing of the Republican party: Palm Beach County's school board has banned gay-friendly web sites like PFLAG and GLAAD...but Ex-gay sites are Juuuust fine. But to be fair, liberal-dominated school boards all over the country have banned zero conservative web sites. See? It all evens out.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to that heady mix of the funny and the profane. Happy birthday to the late George Carlin, who spent many a glorious decade dissecting language, culture, politics and human nature with a comedic switchblade. All the reason we need to take a moment to remind ourselves why "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"...
Working-class people "look for work." Middle-class people "try to get a job." Upper-middle-class people "seek employment."
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Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
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Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
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If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
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Personally I haven't worn T-shirts with writing on them for about ten years, but I do own what I consider to be the coolest T-shirt in the world. It's plain white, and inside a kind of faded maroon circle, in an odd, feminine sort of print, it says, "Fuck the Cows." But it's about two sizes too small. Ain't that always the way?
And many blessings on your (just a tad not safe for work) seven words you can’t say.
Have a Thursday. Just pick one, they're all unisex. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"This is inappropriate for a President and he goes back to his radical roots again and again and again. Ayers, Wright, Bill in Portland Maine..."
---White House Social Director and Master Scold Sean Hannity
5/10/11
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