Last night, and tonight again, I took my dog out for a late night walk down the acequia madre. We haven't done that much lately. I have been a bad mom.
But for some reason, I got inspired. Maybe it was the full moon, the lovely weather.
But for whatever reason, I got inspired. And I realized this evening that something had changed.
I got Case in 2007 when he was a year old, and I was dealing with a lot of personal betrayal issues. I'd take him walking a lot, but whenever we were sufficiently alone, I'd start to rant, to argue, out loud often, with people who weren't there, people I was deeply angry at.
This went on for a few years. I knew it was off the wall. I just couldn't help myself.
I knew that it would be better quiet, but when we were alone was when it felt safest to carry on thusly, like a mad woman.
At times since then, I've gotten into doing it more in public too. Mad woman city.
But tonight I noticed that I felt no need to do this anymore. Finally, I could just walk under the full moon, observe the somewhat muddied mackerel sky, and be quiet, and listen.
Something has finally ended, I hope. Good Dog, about time.
I've been sensing this for a bit now, but it seems too much to hope for, that this bitter piece of my life has finally reached some sort of resolution.
There were still things going through my head as I walked, of course. There are always things going through my head.
I thought of some of my friends here, I thought of what I might write here. But there wasn't that theme of obsession and betrayal, it was all just light playful stuff passing through, nothing I felt the need to hang onto, because I know I can always make it up all over again, if needed, and that it doesn't really matter if I make it up again in a different way.
It left room to listen, to look at the sky.
This is change I can believe in.