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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Happy Birthday, Al!
Al Franken, the junior Senator from Minnesota (oh, how that still makes Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity seethe, and, oh, how that still makes me grin), turns 60 tomorrow. Is anyone surprised that he's turning out to be a hard-working, solidly progressive United States Senator? Yeah, me neither.
As he so succinctly wrote in his classic 2003 book, LIES and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them:
Yes, I am a liberal, and I'm proud of it. It's a term we need to reclaim. Because I believe that most Americans are liberals just like me. Most Americans believe in helping people. And most Americans believe that the government has a role to play---to create opportunity, to protect the environment, to provide for the common good. ...
While it might not seem like I'm changing the tone when I accuse my friends on the right of being liars, my hope is that, if we keep calling them on their calculated dishonesty, their dishonesty will lose its effectiveness.
Then O'Reilly and company will have to resort to Plan B: name-calling. Which, I think, will expose them for what they are. Stupid bastards.
Franken, the only sitting senator who can draw a map of the USA from memory, is currently working to protect net neutrality, with his usual plain-spokenness (via email):
The sky is red. The world is flat. And two plus two equals pancakes.
These statements aren't just false---they're downright ridiculous. And so is the claim that net neutrality amounts to a government takeover of the Internet.
Let's get this straight: Net neutrality isn't a change---it's the status quo. It's the way the Internet operates right now: free and open. And it isn't the government that's attempting an Internet "takeover"---it's the big corporations who want to undermine net neutrality and the Republicans who want to let them.
And here's one more truth: It'll only stay that way if we stand together and fight back against misinformation.
For his Big 6-Oh, we could do worse than go to his net neutrality web page and lend our support.
Happy Birthday, Al. (And Hi, Franni!) See ya soon!
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 20, 2011
Note: I hear that, when the Rapture happens tomorrow at 6pm CDT (Cuckoo Daylight Time), God will leave your clothes neatly folded when He takes you. But if you want 'em ironed it's an extra five bucks plus tip. There's always a catch!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the start of the Memorial Day weekend: 7
Days `til the Pirate Rendezvous in Damariscotta, Maine: 22
Consumer spending on discretionary luxury items (yachts, jewelry, sports cars, etc.) in 1959 as a percentage of total consumer spending: 4%
Percentage today: 11.2%
(Source: The Wall Street Journal via The Week)
Percent of pet cats and dogs, respectively, in the U.S. that are considered overweight: 53%, 55%
(Source: Association for Pet Obesity Prevention)
Rank of Las Vegas and Miami Beach among America's most-tattooed states: #1, #2
Rank of Portland, Oregon among cities with the best "bike culture": #1
(Source: Parade)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Today is the late, great Jimmy Stewart's 103rd birthday. Once again I shall try and make it through "A Dog Named Beau" dry-eyed. And once again I shall fail.
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CHEERS to the debut of our new C&J series: Reasons Why Newt Gingrich Would Make An Excellent President of the United States. Reason #1:
His ringtone is Dancing Queen by ABBA.
Join us next week for another Reason Why Newt Gingrich Would Make An Excellent President of the United States. Or, if he doesn't last that long, don't.
JEERS to Barack Hussein Obama: Madman! I have some disturbing news from the Republican presidential candidates: yesterday, just after 12pm Eastern Daylight Time, the country of Israel was viciously and deliberately attacked via a brutal and sustained assault by the President of the United States and his vast army of deadly speechwriters:
"These principles provide a foundation for negotiations. Palestinians should know the territorial outlines of their state; Israelis should know that their basic security concerns will be met. I’m aware that these steps alone will not resolve the conflict, because two wrenching and emotional issues will remain: the future of Jerusalem, and the fate of Palestinian refugees. But moving forward now on the basis of territory and security provides a foundation to resolve those two issues in a way that is just and fair, and that respects the rights and aspirations of both Israelis and Palestinians."
Y'know who else gave speeches? Mao. Stalin. Hitler. So thank god we have our crack GOP candidates and their crack GOP media network to alert us of Obama's skullduggery. You'll be glad to know they've vowed to continue doing what they do to keep the American citizenry informed. Apparently it involves smoking a lot of crack.
CHEERS to partying parties. On tomorrow's date in 1832, the first Democratic National Convention got under way in Baltimore. The top issue was Andrew Jackson's contempt for the Second Bank of the United States. And there was this interesting factoid:
[T]he Summary of the Proceedings notes that a delegation was sent to ask Charles Carroll of Carrollton to attend. At that moment in time, he was the last surviving signer of the Declaration of Independence. Carroll declined, citing ill health. (He died later that year.)
Without Carroll, the highlight was New Yorker Martin Van Buren's Veep speech, which he delivered while sucking helium from red, white and blue balloons. Quoth the crowd: "His voice doth emit a humorous tone. Guffaw, I say!" Wild times.
JEERS to speaking from beyond Davy Jones' locker. Well, it took me about a week and a half to become completely sick of hearing about impotent bedraggled caffeine-addicted hedonist porn addict Osama bin Laden after we off'd him. But, to coin a phrase, He's baaaack!!! Another 8-track tape surfaced, and it's basic "I [heart] martyrs" stuff. Rather than bore you with his message, C&J presents an EXCLUSIVE transcript of the audio that is heard immediately after bin laden signs off with his trademark, "Good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite, and death to the infidel":
"That was a fine audio production! It will have the pigdogs running scared for weeks!"
[Ding Dong!]
"Someone's at the door! Probably the Pepsi truck! Yippee! I'll get it!"
Boy, did he.
JEERS to moving day in Dixie. Li'l Civil War nugget: on May 20, 1861, the Confederate Congress agreed to pack its bags and move the capital from Montgomery, Alabama to Richmond, Virginia. Or as we call it these days: rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.
CHEERS to one less unemployed person in the world. Very happy to hear that Shirley Sherrod, who was forced out of the USDA after a bogus Andrew Breitbart-fueled smear campaign turned her bosses (including Ag Secretary Tom Vilsack and the head of the NAACP) into hysterical knee-jerkers, is going back to work. She'll be in charge of improving the agency's relationship with minority farmers. In fact, she's already making headway. As part of her goodwill initiative, every minority farmer is getting a free Breitbart brand manure spreader. And they're lovin' it. Because, as the company slogan says: "Nothing Spreads Shit Around Like A Breitbart."
JEERS to faulty predictions. On tomorrow's date in 1926, Thomas Edison said Americans would always prefer silent movies over talkies. Great inventor. Terrible psychic.
CHEERS to home vegetation. For those of us here in Seattle New England keeping count, this is Day 7 of clouds and rain and fog, with at least five more to go. But with all the record flooding down south, we're not complaining---we're just grumbling (a fine Maine tradition). At least we've got some decent teevee this weekend. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Yale Prof. Amy Chua, Zach Galifianakis, Dylan Ratigan and Gillian Tett of the Financial Times. New DVD releases include exorcist Anthony Hopkins in The Rite and a remake of the Charles Bronson actioner The Mechanic. (Ain't It Cool's list is here.) Animal Kingdom goes for jewel #2 in the Triple crown tomorrow---barring any Rapture activity, post time for the 136th Preakness is 6:20. Justin Timberlake and Lady Gaga get this week's SNL gig. NBA and NHL conference finals continue, along with the unstoppable Red Sox surge. On 60 Minutes: Al Sharpton, mafia madness, and Lance Armstrong gets...busted?
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Conservative-Moderate-Liberal (C-M-L) guest index:
Meet the Press: Paul Ryan responds to Newt Gingrich and hawks (read: desperately tries to sugar-coat) his ultra-conservative budget plan, but STILL no one from the Progressive Congressional Caucus gets invited to talk about the budget plan that's actually sensible; the roundtable has Mike Murphy, Andrea Mitchell, Eugene Robinson, Aaron Ross Sorkin and Chris van Hollen. C-M-L guest index: 2-2-2
This Week: King Abdullah of Jordan; former Middle East negotiator Aaron David Miller and White House Correspondent Jake Tapper on Bush's speech; roundtable with George Will, Matthew Dowd, Donna Brazile and Jonathan Karl. C-M-L guest index (excluding the king): 2-4-1
Face the Nation: Newt "I hate the Ryan plan" Gingrich vs. Newt "I love the Ryan plan" Gingrich. C-M-L guest index: 1-0-0
Washington Week: Time's Michael Duffy on the Newt implosion; Jeanne Cummings of Politico on Obama's reelection campaign; Doyle McManus of The L.A. Times on Obama's Middle East speech; CNBC's Eamon Javers on Stopped Trek: The Wrath of Strauss-Kahn. C-M-L guest index: 0-4-0
The McLaughlin Group: Eleanor Clift, Pat Buchanan, Monica Crowley, and a mushy moderate in the other chair that's s'posed to be reserved for a liberal. C-M-L guest index: 2-1-1
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Herman Cain; Sen. Mitch McConnell; roundtable with Paul Gigot, Evan Bayh, Liz Cheney and Juan Williams C-M-L guest index: 4-1-1
Total C-M-L Index: 11-12-5. Your liberal media hard at work again. Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: May 20, 2006
CHEERS to freeing Willy. After decades of long, hard searching, scientists finally found King Tut's penis. Wendy's immediately apologized and offered the Antiquities director a fresh bowl of chili.
JEERS to playground bullies. A playground in Illinois will be changed because one parent complained about a concrete floor-tile pattern that was in the shape of a pentagram. And all the affected children will be entitled to free cosmetic cloven-hoof surgery and horn removal.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to breaking through the lavender ceiling. Happy 81st birthday Sunday---the second official "Harvey Milk Day" in California---to the late San Francisco District Supervisor and gay rights pioneer. Milk was a talented politician---funny, eloquent, impatient and relentless---who understood the power of grassroots campaigning. Here are his 10 rules from 1973 on how to win a local election, taken from Randy Shilts' must-read book The Mayor of Castro Street:
1. Interviews with all major papers. ['All' was underlined three times.]
2. Knock on all doors.
3. Ride buses
4. Visit non-gay bars during the daytime and any singles bars at nite.
5. Coffee shops and restaurants. Stop off early in morning and late at night.
6. Shake hands.
7. Shake hands.
8. As few meetings as possible---just meet the people.
9. Door to door of registered Demo's is very best thing you can do outside of media coverage.
10. Don't stop.
If he hadn’t been assassinated at 48, he'd be all over the passage of ENDA and full federal marriage rights. (These new Gallup numbers would no doubt make him cheer.) And his core message predates Obama's by 30 years: "Without hope, we give up. I know you cannot live on hope alone, but without it life is not worth living. You and you and you have got to see that the promise does not fade." It's been a bumpy road, and we're still not there just yet. But, man, what a ride...and at least we're lurching in the right direction. Yay for us and us and us!
Have a great weekend. Oh, and before Judgment Day arrives, you might want to move your porn stash into your neighbor's garage tonight because God will be checking under your mattress tomorrow. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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