2 years. Actually, a bit over 2 years, now. He's 62, and though we'd never really said it to one another, I know that we both were thinking that he'd probably never have a real, regular job, again.
But, he kept trying.
He got called in for an interview about 4 weeks, ago, and we have been too scared to get too hopeful since then ... just waiting, wondering, worrying.
Then, yesterday, an email came asking him if he could come in for a meeting this morning.
He has an offer. A good offer in his field (IT), with full benefits, and ... and ... I can't stop alternating between waves of relief, tears of gratitude, disbelief, giddiness and oddly enough, anger.
The first emotions in that series didn't and don't surprise me, but the last one does. Anger? I really didn't expect to feel mad, but I am. Why am feeling so angry now?
I think I'm angry, because I just realized that I haven't been fully and deeply breathing for longer than I remember. It's like I'm having to get used to using my lungs, again.
I think I'm angry, because the dear man that I love suddenly looks 10 years younger this afternoon -- and taller -- which makes me furious realizing how beaten down the whole situation was making him feel. He's smiling, really smiling, and I'm thrilled by that, but it seems to be confusing the dog, too. She keeps looking at him, bouncing and barking, and acting like a puppy, again. Good grief, I think the whole situation was even making our dog old before her time. Errrrgh.
I know that I'm angry that none of this had to be ... for him or for any of us ... Goddamn the "masters of the universe" who trashed our world! Who still ARE stealing our opportunities for worthwhile labor, self-esteem, shelter, food, hope ....
And then, I'm also angry that I feel kind of guilty that we won't be so filled with anxiety anymore, like we were yesterday, like so many still are -- a form of survivor's guilt, I suppose.
I'm mad that one of my first thoughts was, "Thank goodness; now I can go to the dentist!" And I even HAVE dental insurance with my job -- I just couldn't afford to have my teeth taken care of and still be able to feed, clothe, and shelter us.
I'm angry that I'm worried about telling my sister our good news, because her husband is still out of work, and I don't want to do anything to make her burden greater to bear. (Yes, yes, she will be happy for us, and we'll be able to help them ... but you know, it's still going to feel crappy for them. I know that they don't want to have to have anyone help them.) I'm angry that he doesn't have a job too!
I'm saddened, because I realize that my future dreams have become getting my teeth taken care of and getting out of debt. What kind of economic dreams are those? We have 4 college degrees between us. We used to be planning a comfortable retirement somewhere warm. Back to MAD! I want my bigger, broader American Dreams, back. I used to dream of seeing Rome, and now, I relieved to be able to afford a dental visit and zero balance with Citicorp? Ugh! Definitely back to mad.
I'm mad that over these last 2 years, we managed to keep our house, but we lost everything else -- including our son's college fund. And, I'm furious in a really cold way that I know that this situation would be one to envy for millions of Americans, when none of this had to happen in the first place, for any of us. Did I mention that before? I think that I did, but I feel like screaming it repeatedly, for some reason. Having just barely escaped the wolf at the door should not be a situation that might evoke envy ... in this rich country. Yet, I know that I "ought to just feel lucky, and grateful, and thank my lucky stars" ... and I do, but I also feel pissed that I "ought to just feel fortunate, and grateful, and thank my lucky stars."
So yes, I'm grateful that my dear love suddenly doesn't look like a beaten, old man, and I can see the dentist about the dull pain in my jaw, and we can do some sorely needed home repairs (maybe plant some flowers), and probably get out of the debt we've had to encur, and we'll be able to think about helping our son go to college ... but seeing the light at the end of this 2 year tunnel has also made me angry.
Yeah, whoopee, it looks like we'll get to climb back up the ladder to a lower-level, Middle Class life, but I don't think it's ever going to be the way it was before.
Sigh.
It doesn't feel like a bad kind of anger, so I don't think I'm going to push myself to try to get over it just yet. Maybe, it will help me develop an even greater committment to working for working people -- so more of us have work with liveable wages -- and a committment to seeing an end to the factors in our system that are causing and sustaining this dreadful inequity.
So right now, I'm going to leave a message for a dentist appointment for next month ... and um, take a walk around the yard to imagine some flowers. Then, I think I'm going to go buy some organic greens and veggies to make my dear guy a wonderful Italian, celebration dinner ... with a bottle of wine! Rome it isn't, but I'm not so mad that the thought of a candlelight dinner and a toast with good wine (Wow. I hardly remember what it tastes like) isn't making me smile -- and tear up a bit.
I thought I'd share this, because I did want to thank so many of you for your ideas, support and encouragement over the last couple of years. And, I also thought I'd just put this anger stuff out here, too, because we are a community. And, it seems to be a very real part of all this, at least for me.
UPDATE: I did just share the news with my sister. She managed a weak, "Congratulations," and started to cry. She kept apologizing for crying while she was really happy for us, and I found myself apologizing to her for telling her the good news ... how crazy is all that? I'm adding that I'm mad at the entire free-market, rabidly greedy capitalist pig elite for making my sister cry.