Campaign- why when I hear that word do thoughts of fundraising enter my mind instead of thoughts of substantive issue discussions to spotlight the best strategy or plan?!? It is the ‘fancy’ verb used to describe supporting and bolstering a political candidate- and since we are a free country it is obviously a ‘good’ thing. Although I find it to be a almost a benign way to say ‘war’…
One thing I never ‘thought’ before was that I had to endure is any type public scorn or hankerings from the law- based on any ‘type’ of ‘my’ characteristics, because they have never been formally demonized (or I didn’t take the existence of legitimate ‘defamation’ laws too seriously, because it seem as though no on else did ether). I appear to be white, middle class, a chick, average weight, yada, yada, yada… So I cannot pretend to know what it like to be of ‘another’ group that faces differential treatment based on societal convictions. One thing I can offer is my perspective on what it is like to be ‘controlled’- and I would love to tell the world about it, but first I must got for a jog, order a pizza, possibly take a shower and pick up another 6 pack of Guinness (not exactly in the order, but that give you the gist).
Before today, I truly did not believe I was a dead lady walking. Today I realized, outside of disappearing off the radar- ‘someone’ always has an ‘upper hand’ on me. What I have never had to physically face, is being hunted down under a microscope; by an army that will not hesitate to stab a knife in my back or puncture a million bullets in my heart. That is, I’ve never had to live in fear of ‘cold blooded’ terror, and do not know what it like to be so aware that the hunt is on- and to know ‘sucker’ punches and cheap shots are the ‘enemies’ preferred ‘tactics’- I’ve read about it, but never personally experienced it. Now I kind of feel myself feeling paranoid- being that I recently arrived at the place that allows me to ‘see’ that I am nothing more than a cog greasing the big machine destroying the land and all life in between- so it is very plausible that an experience in sheer cold blooded terror my be the only dream that comes true. BUT, I can’t help but wonder if there is not some benefit I can provide being that my “stats” are somewhat similar to a “specific” “type” of “woman” on of the various “distraction” campaigns. It frighten me to wonder “who” all knew about this?!
Has my life been orchestrated, not only by those in my ‘immediate’ family, but by a complex web and a community over and under lapping each other continually- “knowing” that I “don’t” know- and trying to either ‘shelter’ me or was it pure happenstance (the coincidences and connections lead me to side with the former) So, if that is the case, then what about everyone else? How long has my cohort of peers been in the know? What benefit is there in not allowing me to be in the know? Why would all ‘eyes’ be on me (or I feel like they are) when they also need to be on everyone else. Is this just a ‘concentrated’ little Midwest-southwest connection, or are there several other Stannie Hinn’s like me running around the world? With such a vast deep and connected web…
My ego gets upset when I feel (or believe) I have been deceived, but I guess “others” that “acted” have not been as interested in things as I have been- so if they are in the “know” they would have shared information and inquires as I pondered them alone for so very long. I’m just curious as hell about it. OTOH, I guess I appreciate being sheltered from that reality for most of my life- although, it is especially upsetting now that they won’t admit it to me. That makes me question if my motivation to continue to write (which I have a feeling is being “read” by others than myself) because I don’t know if my insights will be used for the overall betterment of the world as I seek, or as a means to expedite its destruction. And then I begin to wonder how REAL or unreal my other experiences in life have been- and I am very paranoid and scared since NO one will be straight forward with me. I almost think I’m already in hell (if one such exists) or purgatory- all I know is this shit sucks. I wish someone would just be honest with me.
So is it just an extended chess game? If, let’s say, not ‘everyone’ was in agreement that “the world is flat”- then did a ‘birdie’ or some type of communication exchange between the non “powers that be” in Spain (or just that side of the planet) send word of a direction?- suggesting a plan relying on evolution and reasoning based on ‘instinct’?! And had an “unforeseen” consequence of the level of carnage inflicted upon unsuspecting? Did the extent of which was anticipated leap beyond initial battlefield ‘map’- or is there constant faith in the divine no matter what? So we could very well be in purgatory another dinosaur like extinction experience?
The most “freaky” thing is realizing you can be “taken” away by “someone” else at any time and be held against your will. My paranoia right now is because it was my friends and family (of whom I thought I had established a “trusted” relationship) were the ones that took me to a “place” where I did not want to be- and then they didn’t even try to get me out- and then they didn’t believe me and blew off my story as not important. This is my flesh and blood that raised me who did that to me- and I guess, if we were to assume the “notion” of “one” then, that is what ‘we’ are up against- still not sure if I trust my family and friends of which I thought I established a trusting relationship with.
Susceptible of being taking ‘away’ at any time- well just ask my dad how he and Dan the landlord knocked on my door (or which I didn’t answer or acknowledge) and then proceeded to turn the key and let themselves in. Same is true for the house I “own”- being that we live in a “state” where the “law” can knock down the doors for whatever their fancy. I don’t like these thoughts. And I did not like my time spent in the psych ward either- in such a setting, all they do is try to give you drugs so you will be doped up—unable to think and/or socialize with anyone around you. I’m reminded of not being able to open up a window at the “ward” to even “feel” any fresh air ( yet, windows to look out that seemed to be more of teaser than anything else- time stands still in such a setting). Well, my little studio has a similar pattern. Sure, the three glass windows are floor to ceiling and pretty wide- so excellent view of sunlight- but one “small” window near the floor is hardly a source of “fresh” air- even if it’s cool outside- the lack of circulation and tiny size of the window almost makes AC a requirement. I chose to live here, though, so I guess I wanted it this way.
The ward is kind of reminiscent to a casino to me- hollow eyes roaming around and very little sense of time. I’ve heard that casinos use some major “psychology” tricks- low lights, no clock in sight, low supply of bathrooms, and frigid temps. The stakes are up my friend, and you are in “prime” environment to seek focus, or cling to some addictive behavior, that definitely brings about that temporary sense of elation that I wrote about for adults seeking night refuge (um, talk about a vulnerable sense of being taken away at any time). The casinos I’ve been to have servers coming around to provide beverages- and all you can eat buffets to easily fill up your tummy with a variety of choices 24 hours a day. I think the got some beats playing on a subtle audible level- which goes great with the tinted windows and guards lined up by the doors (and undercover ones throughout the joint). Also, you can rest assure you’re on the surveillance cameras that peeps are scrutinizing “upstairs” and informing “pit bosses” if anyone “appears” to be cheating or “winning” too much. Can’t help but wonder how these castle like creations were erected on the old “ressies”- I mean, the stark poverty prevalent and gamblin’ happened to be legal- makes me double wonder what’s really goin’ on there (and other third World countries and the little drug wars)?!?!