So, you want to become a Professional Left blogger, huh? Ever since President Obama did that Rick Warren debate, and failed to properly fight back against every McCain attack ad, every Teabagger tantrum, and every time the Congress blew it on important legislation, you just get so mad inside, you feel you can single-handedly influence the President himself into giving you what you want! And if not, you’ll run him out of town on the rails and bring in a REAL president with GUTS!
How do you do that, you ask? It’s all about the proper steps.
1. Write an outrage blog (usually on DailyKos) about a tweet or unconfirmed report that cites either “Unnamed Democratic Source” or “Senior White House Staffer” as the source telling you that a goal of yours would be cut/increased/delayed/etc. Your blog will also cite Huffington Post, FireDogLake, and Talking Points Memo. Of course, if you want to claim this is legit, just take a quote from the New York Times out of context. And if you want an extra kicker to get people to read your diary and tip it, just say either of these words: Geithner or Emmanuel.
2. Comment, comment, comment. Go on various diaries that support your claim and feed the fire in the comments, usually by saying that the President has failed you, saying “Not One More Damn Dime”, and calling for a primary of Obama. Names like Bernie Sanders, Alan Grayson, Dennis Kucinich, Anthony Weiner, and if you really want to go there, Ralph Nader, are all names that will give you positive feedback. Of course, you can say it’s simply to push Obama to left, but who cares if it uses up valuable reelection resources. The people deserve to suffer because Obama failed us!
3. Likewise, attack any pro-Obama diaries, especially if it’s peaceful and it’s full of pictures. Names to call them by are: Obamabot, propaganda, apologists, etc. And don’t forget to be a total killjoy when you do it, and that’s by being as depressing as you possibly can be, about how there’s no hope for anyone anymore. Be sure to use a lot of overblown snark too when mocking “hope and change”.
4. Let your outrage get enough steam and enough diaries to the point where you’ll see it get “legitimized” by various TV pundits (Ideally Olbermann, Schultz, Maddow, Maher, Hamsher). If they devote big segments, special comments, or heartfelt pleas in front of generic crowds, then you’ve hit the big time! Every time you post a diary, you’re on the top of the lists and you’re seen as the guiding light of the Professional Left!
5. But what if we DO get what we want? Then what? Not to fear, there’s plenty more to raise a stink over! You’ll get your chance at it again very soon! And in the meantime, just simply say that you didn’t get what you wanted fast enough and that it’s not EXACTLY what you wanted either! Gotta find something to complain about!
So, there you have it. That’s how you can become a name in the Professional Left world. Hell, maybe you’ll get paid for it and a lot of favoritism coming your way. After all, YOU speak for all Democrats, not that “Caver-In-Chief”! Go get ‘em tiger!
To make it clear, this is snark, but this needed to be said on here. And I don't care if I'm banned or not as a result. I support Barack Obama and that ain't no crime.