BREAKING!
In an historic deal with Tea Party Republicans, President Obama and majority leader Reid have announced an unprecedented compromise to resolve the 2012 election crises. In a soon to be released press statement the president proclaimed:
The Republican demands that Democrats not be allowed to vote in the 2012 election have been resolved. I hope that Democrats in both houses of Congress will support this historic compromise so the 2012 elections can proceed.
Reports of the details of the compromise have leaked from several sources.
1) A full 60% of Democrats will be allowed to vote in the 2012 election. 100% of Democrats will be allowed to vote in Red states, while a majority (51%) of Democrats will be allowed to vote in Blue and swing states.
2) After the 2012 Election, 100% of Democrats will be allowed to vote in national elections held in odd years, while the same rules will apply to elections held in even years.
3) Voting Rules will be changed in the House and Senate so that any Democrats who do get elected will caucus with the Republican and vote as the Republican Leadership commands.
4) A special tripartisan Super Duper Congressional commission will be formed, consisting of 10% Democrats, 10% Republicans, and 80% of Tea Party members who have publicly denied Global Warming, Evolution, and a round earth. This commission will determine future cuts in Democratic registration. The recommendations will go directly to the house and Senate for an up or down vote, with the requirement that Democrats vote for the committee recommendations in the unlikely event the Tea Party members implement a hostage taking situation.
5) In the event the commission fails to reach an agreement, the election trigger will be pulled. The following exceptions will be allowed to the voting rules.
A) 100% of Democrats in states that fly the Bars and Stars over their state capital buildings will be allowed to vote.
B) Democrats driving pickup trucks with mudflaps with a picture of naked women on them, and the Bars and Stars on the radiator grill, will be allowed to vote anywhere, anytime.
C) Democrats who can see Russia from their window will be free to vote.
D) Democrats who do not have vowels in their names will be allowed to vote in even years.
E) Any Democrats who support this historic compromise will be allowed to vote.
The President, and the Democratic leadership is strongly recommending the membership of both houses of congress support this compromise. The President assures the Democrats that adjustments will be made in the Super Duper congressional committee and that if we eat our peas now, we can all have a bowl of porridge later.
And to ease Democratic concerns over the terms of the compromise, the President promised, "Don't worry, lucy won't pull that football away next time!".