Jon Stewart was just in Afghanistan this weekend visiting our troops, and while jet-lagged, he delivered an excellent scathing critique at all of Washington for all the debt ceiling shenanigans. Yes, he hit Obama for surrendering on revenue increases. And then he called out the Tea Partiers in a rant that got the studio audience worked up.
Trillions in spending cuts, no revenue increases, go ahead Tea Party Congresspeople, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea Party like it's 1799.
8/1/2011:
REP. JOE WALSH, R-IL: I can't vote for this.
SEN. MIKE LEE, R-UT: We haven't gotten what we need.
SEN. RON JOHNSON, R-WI: This is totally inadequate.
REP. TOM GRAVES, R-GA: ... not something that I can support ...
JOE JOHNS: Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, she's voting against it.
SEAN HANNITY: I'll take that as a yes vote from you, or a leaning yes from you?
REP. JASON CHAFFETZ, R-UT: No, no.
REP. CONNIE MACK: I'm going to vote against it.
WHAT THE FUCK, TEA PARTIERS?!? What the fee-fi-fo-fuck? You control less than half of one chamber of Congress, and yet have somehow convinced everybody they've got to slash trillions in spending, because of the "deficit crisis". Many Republicans supported extending the largest contributing policy piece to our deficit, the Bush tax cuts! Take the win! What are you still angry about? Yes, government still exists. We still have traffic lights. We're sorry. Not everybody defines freedom as the ability to not pay taxes. Government isn't perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone. (wild audience applause)
This whole process has been like you're in a bank, it's a negotiation where you got some hostages, and after getting everything you wanted, you're still going, "Oh, and one last demand. I still get to kill the hostages, right?"
And then Stephen compared Obama to the troll under the bridge in a hilarious Billy Goats Gruff metaphor.
Now everybody had seen this exact match-up in 1995, and knew a troll could win by eating the goat, and then celebrating by having sex with the troll intern. OK? You get a college credit in bridge-keeping. OK?
But Obama Troll said, "Now is not the time. There is a bigger goat coming, and I trust that that goat will do the right thing."
So he let the medium goat pass. Then this summer, the largest billy goat came clopping up and said, "Mr. Troll, I will not raise the debt ceiling unless I get to gouge out your eyes and throw you off the bridge."
So the troll had to compromise by gouging out his own eyes and throwing himself off the bridge.
And the moral of the story is, when the first goat comes along, you gotta tear its head off, have sex with the neckhole, and then mail the carcass back to its brothers and say, "Any of you other goat motherfuckers want to put a hoof on my bridge?"
Videos and full transcripts below the fold.
First, I did arrive home today to wondrous news.
CAROL COSTELLO (8/1/2011): A deal has been reached in the debt ceiling debate.
Oh my God, it's a Ramadan miracle!
FOX NEWS WOMAN (8/1/2011): Nearly $1 trillion in immediate cuts. A debt limit increase of at least $2.1 trillion. And a bipartisan committee created to agree on another trillion and a half in future spending.
No, that can't be right. Yeah, no. They must have forgotten to add "and with the new balanced approach to deficit reduction forged by rational adults, there are some revenue increases closing the budget gap whilst preserving some vital government functions". Can we roll the clip of that please? Can we... do we have the clip? (listens to earpiece) Say it again? Really? Of a skunk with its head in a peanut butter jar? All right. Well, no. It's not really the one I wanted, but I'll give it a look. I'll see that.
That is adorable. That is adorable. No! I will not you distract me!
There must be revenue increases in this compromise because I was told just how crucial that was to this negotiation by, I don't know, let's call him an unnamed senior White House official.
BARACK OBAMA (7/22/2011): We can't just close our deficit with spending cuts alone.
BARACK OBAMA (7/21/2011): What we have said is, as part of a broader package, we should have revenues
BARACK OBAMA (7/6/2011): Revenues should come from the people who can most afford it.
BARACK OBAMA (7/25/2011): Serious cuts, balanced by some new revenues.
BARACK OBAMA (7/11/2011): If you don't have revenues, it means you are putting more of a burden on the people who can least afford them.
Thank you, sir. And it is that kind of emphatic and steadfast commitment that will protect those who can least afford it. I'm sorry, one second. (listens to earpiece) Really? All right, fuck it, just roll the clip.
MARTIN BASHIR (8/1/2011): The President has failed to include any revenues in this deal.
DAN LOTHIAN (8/1/2011): No tax increases, if you will.
ANDREA MITCHELL (8/1/2011): There are no tax revenues in this.
I was really hoping that clip was going to be a lemur with its head stuck in a tub of mayonnaise, but....
Well, I'll tell you this. The President's got to be pretty upset about what's taken place here.
BARACK OBAMA (7/31/2011): I want to thank the American people. It's been your voices, your letters, your e-mails, your tweets, your phone calls, that have compelled Washington to act in the final days.
Let me just stop you right there. You're not pinning this turd on us. The last time I checked, the buck, if it's the buck, the buck stops with you, not the Twitterverse.
Of course, the President, I guess, could have included a debt ceiling raise in previous legislation that Republicans were desperate for. Like when they wanted to extend the Bush tax cuts back in December, so that the Republicans wouldn't have had such a significant amount of leverage over the White House going into the deficit reduction negotiation. But even a Jedi master strategist wouldn't have seen that coming.
12/7/2010:
MARC AMBINDER: How do these negotiations affect negotiations, or talks, with Republicans about raising the debt limit? Because it would seem that they have a significant amount of leverage over the White House now, going in.
....
BARACK OBAMA: When you say that "it would seem they'll have a significant amount of leverage over the White House", what do you mean?
Well done, Potter. 10 points for Gryffindor.
Go ahead there, tell him what you mean from December, Pee-Wee Blitzer.
MARC AMBINDER: Just in the sense that, you know, they'll say essentially, we're not going to raise the... we're not going to agree to it, unless the White House is able to or willing to agree to significant spending cuts across the board that probably go deeper and further than what you're willing to do. I mean, what leverage would you have under this condition?
BARACK OBAMA: Well, here's my expectation, and I'll take John Boehner at his word, that nobody, Democrat or Republican, is willing to see the full faith and credit of the United States government collapse.
Hahahahahahaha. It's funny because it happened.
Let me do a quick impression of what's going on in the White House at this very moment. "Find me that bow-tied boy. And let him tell us what happens next."
Well, it looks like the Democrats got hosed. But I'll bet the Republicans are creaming in their jeans, I'm sorry, trousers.
JOHN BOEHNER: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........
Subtle.
Trillions in spending cuts, no revenue increases, go ahead Tea Party Congresspeople, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea Party like it's 1799.
8/1/2011:
REP. JOE WALSH, R-IL: I can't vote for this.
SEN. MIKE LEE, R-UT: We haven't gotten what we need.
SEN. RON JOHNSON, R-WI: This is totally inadequate.
REP. TOM GRAVES, R-GA: ... not something that I can support ...
JOE JOHNS: Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, she's voting against it.
SEAN HANNITY: I'll take that as a yes vote from you, or a leaning yes from you?
REP. JASON CHAFFETZ, R-UT: No, no.
REP. CONNIE MACK: I'm going to vote against it.
WHAT THE FUCK, TEA PARTIERS?!? What the fee-fi-fo-fuck? You control less than half of one chamber of Congress, and yet have somehow convinced everybody they've got to slash trillions in spending, because of the "deficit crisis". Many Republicans supported extending the largest contributing policy piece to our deficit, the Bush tax cuts! Take the win! What are you still angry about? Yes, government still exists. We still have traffic lights. We're sorry. Not everybody defines freedom as the ability to not pay taxes. Government isn't perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone. (wild audience applause)
This whole process has been like you're in a bank, it's a negotiation where you got some hostages, and after getting everything you wanted, you're still going, "Oh, and one last demand. I still get to kill the hostages, right?"
This is the part where they all come after you and go, "You won the debate, what are you going to do now?"
And you go, "We're going to Disney.... Colonial Williamsburg."
We'll be right back.
Jon then gave thanks to the troops he met in Afghanistan.
And here's the clip from Stephen.
Nation, it is exactly 11:32pm Eastern time if I had not pre-taped this show 4 hours ago. So I don't know whether Congress has passed a compromise plan to raise the debt ceiling, or whether we defaulted and you are watching this from a cave eating squirrels that you are cooking over a pile of U.S. Treasury bonds.
Now personally, I am betting on default, which is why I spent the weekend bottling my own urine to use as drinking water. Remember, you want to run it through the Brita three times. OK? After that, you're golden. Or rather, you're not.
But, if the unthinkable happens, and Congress cooperates, there is a silver lining to solvency. Because this is the best kind of deal, the kind Democrats hate.
BARACK OBAMA (7/31/2011): Now, is this the deal I would have preferred? No.
NANCY PELOSI (7/31/2011): We'll all have to take a look. And we all might not be able to support it, or none of us may be able to support it.
STENY HOYER (8/1/2011): We've missed an opportunity. This is not a balanced approach.
REP. EMANUEL CLEAVER, D-MO (8/1/2011): This is a Satan sandwich.
Yes, for the Democrats, this is a Satan sandwich, a Beelze-BLT. Because the deal gives the Republicans $2.4 trillion in cuts with no increase in taxes or closing loopholes for corporations and the rich. In return, the Democrats get a rise in the debt ceiling that lasts until 2013. And you know you've won a negotiation when the opponent's only demand is not to have to negotiate with you for a long time.
Now as Speaker of the House John Boehner said, the Republicans got 98% of what they wanted. So obviously, Republicans are thrilled.
SEN. LINDSEY GRAHAM, R-SC (7/31/2011): From the Republican Party's point of view, I think we can declare victory. ... I'm not ready to vote for this.
REP. JOE WALSH, R-IL (8/1/2011): This is a victory for our leadership. ... I can't vote for this.
REP. TOM GRAVES, R-GA (8/1/2011): It's just not something that I can support.
SEN. MIKE LEE, R-UT (8/1/2011): I'm not inclined to support it.
Yes. This is a victory. But it could've been so much more victory-er. What about a Balanced Budget Amendment? What about a tax cut? What about making Obama eat a bug? I believe that's in the Tea Party platform. And we could've gotten it all, folks, because the President clearly responds to threats. And this is the third time.
It's like the Billy Goats Gruff. Obama is the troll. Back in December, the smallest billy goat said, "Mr. Troll, let me cross your bridge so I can go to the other side and renew the Bush tax cuts, or I will call you a job-killer."
Now the troll had promised the people who elected him bridge keeper, that he wouldn't let that specific goat cross. But keeping in mind his other troll priorities, he made the political calculation to let the goat pass and bring this issue up again later with a bigger goat he knew was coming.
Then, this spring, the medium-sized goat showed up and said, "Mr. Troll, let me cross your bridge so I can cut spending, or I will shut down the government."
Now everybody had seen this exact match-up in 1995, and knew a troll could win by eating the goat, and then celebrating by having sex with the troll intern. OK? You get a college credit in bridge-keeping. OK?
But Obama Troll said, "Now is not the time. There is a bigger goat coming, and I trust that that goat will do the right thing."
So he let the medium goat pass. Then this summer, the largest billy goat came clopping up and said, "Mr. Troll, I will not raise the debt ceiling unless I get to gouge out your eyes and throw you off the bridge."
So the troll had to compromise by gouging out his own eyes and throwing himself off the bridge.
And the moral of the story is, when the first goat comes along, you gotta tear its head off, have sex with the neckhole, and then mail the carcass back to its brothers and say, "Any of you other goat motherfuckers want to put a hoof on my bridge?"
The End.
(wild audience applause)
By the way, I am available for children's parties.
Stephen then talked about the ramifications of the 12-member Super Congress.