The Homosexual Agenda. As a gay man I’ve been wondering for quite a while exactly what the Homosexual Agenda is. You see, I haven’t been initiated into that super-secret club that hands out the manuals. I guess I’m not homosexual enough. I'm working on it.
You see, it just gets me farklempt I've been left out. True dyed-in-the-wool heterosexuals know about it. He knows about it. He does too. That's just not fair. They MUST have gotten copies. I can’t figure out how. They talk about it constantly. Never in detail, mind you, but only in the broadest terms. They tease and never tell anyone what it exactly is. Meanies!! What am I doing wrong? I want to be in on the secret!
You see people even here mention the Homosexual Agenda (It’s big, trust me. Caps are necessary here). I asked for them to clarify what it was. I thought FINALLY someone would reveal what the Agenda was. I was so close! Alas, they never responded…
Thank Jesus, that patron of freedom-loving marriage-protecting American heterosexuals everywhere, for Google. After diligent searching, I found it!! I’m confident Betty Bowers , a member in good standing with Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals and Baptists Invoking Gods
Old Testament Standards is going to be in deep doo doo for putting it out there. Dobson will NOT be happy about this. I don’t want to give it all away, but WOW. Talk about radical. I can see why there is so much push back. I can only give you smidge (how gay of me right? Sooooo proud!!). The rest is simply too horrible (and faaaaaaaabulous!) to discuss here.
12:00pm Tan. Schedule back-waxing in time for Saturday party where you know you will end up shirtless.
12:30pm Pay trainer for anabolic steroids and schedule a workout. Shower, taking ten minutes to knot your tie while you check-out your best friend's boyfriend undress with the calculation of someone used to wearing a t-back and having dollars stuffed in their crotch.
1:00pm Meet someone for whom you only know his waist, chest and penis size from AOL M4M chat for lunch at a hot, new restaurant. Because the maître d' recognizes you from a gay bar, you are whisked past the Christian heterosexual couples who have been waiting patiently for a table since 12:30.
2:30pm "Dessert at your place." Find out, once again, people lie on AOL.
3:33pm Assume complete control of the U.S., state, and local governments (in addition to other nations' governments); destroy all healthy Christian marriages; recruit all children grades Kindergarten through 12 into your amoral, filthy lifestyle; secure complete control of the media, starting with sitcoms; molest innocent children; give AIDS to as many people as you can; host a pornographic "art" exhibit at your local art museum; and turn people away from Jesus, causing them to burn forever in Hell.
4:10pm Time permitting, bring about the general decline of Western Civilization and look like you are having way too much fun doing it.
4:30pm Take a disco-nap to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest and being so terribly witty.
Tough part was I was unable to squeeze in the tan and wax today. What!?!? Don't look at me like that!! This Agenda takes practice! Give me a couple weeks and I’ll get up to speed.
Just do me a favor, will you? Keep this just between us. I wouldn’t want this information to get out. Enough heterosexuals already seem to know about it. Let’s not make it harder on ourselves to pull this all off, shall we?