From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
"WHICH of THESE stories…"
Everyone say it with me: "…will YOU be talking about TOMORROW?"
Good old Keith Olbermann. Can't wait to meet him in person at Netroots Nation in Providence, Rhode Island next June.
[And now, ladies and gentlemen, behold the greatest segue in blogging history. Watch and learn…]
And speaking of Keith and Netroots Nation [Smooth, huh?] the "Countdown" to the registration fee hike is rapidly approaching! In roughly 48 hours---Friday at midnight, to be exact---the early-bird rate will go up, I'm afraid. (I'm not sure by how much, but Politico reports that Fox reports that the New York Post reports that Drudge reports that it could cost as much as ten million dollars and a live baby.)
The overseas betting agencies now predict that there's an 89 percent chance that NN '12 will be the best ever, and a 42 percent chance that it'll be the most scantily-clad. If history is any guide, those numbers will only go up.
To get the discount, just click here now and choose the "Standard" option. Boom. Done. In ten months, you'll find yourself rubbing elbows and clinking glasses with a sea of movers and shakers and heroes of the Democratic wing of the Democratic party, including Kossacks you know and love as well as top writers from the non-orange corners of the liberal blogosphere. I've been fortunate enough to attend four of 'em and the rush feels exhilarating and new every time. (You may not sleep much, though. You simply won't want to.)
The countdown continues. Tick tock. Tick tock. Time is flying faster than the needles on a Republican congressman's polygraph test. I hope you can join the fun in Providence June 7-10. (And if you'd rather I kept my distance, emergency restraining orders will be available in the lobby.)
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Note: Cheers and Jeers is not a safe alternative to smoking. It is, however, a safe alternative to green leafy vegetables.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Halloween: 75
Days `til the Portland Brew Festival down on the waterfront: 17
Number of registered Kossacks as of yesterday morning: 317,751
(Source: jotter)
Number of vacation days President Obama has taken after 31 months in office: 61
Number of vacation days President Bush had taken after 31 months in office: 196
(Source: White House Reporter Mark Knoller via The Chris Matthews Show)
Age of the pinball machine as of this year: 140
Number of leagues in the International Flipper Pinball Association: 38
(Source: USA Today)
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 184 (including 3 Occults and 1 handy therapy guide for Republicans). Soul Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: "Welcome home, Shorty!"
-
CHEERS to falling down and going boom. They had everything going for them. They had massive funding from the Empire d'Koch. They had A RIGHTEOUS CRUSADE FOR LIBERTY AND JUSTICE AND CHEESE CURD FREEDOM FRIES!!! They had it all, my friends. Fate rode in on an elephant and all Republicans in Wisconsin had to do was defeat two namby-pamby Democratic state senators in yesterday's recall election. A two year-old child with a penchant for walking into walls could've defeated Jim Holperin and Bob Wirch. It was a task as easy as hopping over a string lying on the floor while wearing rocket shoes. This was a no brainer. The tea party was lickin' its chops, and even Karl Rove had champagne chilling in Dick Cheney's chest cavity, so sure was he of the outcome. And this morning we can report that the winners are: the Democrats in a landslide. Well, now. Isn’t that awkward.
P.S. [Fist pump!] [Fist pump!] [Fist pump!]
JEERS to coarsening the course of discourse. Well, gee, that didn’t take long. On Day 3 of his campaign, Rick Perry played the Treason Card against Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke. President Obama, wasting no time, swatted the Texas Governor away with a corn dog of kindness fried in a vat of snark. And it was pure jiu-jitsu cool:
"You know, Mr. Perry just got into the presidential race. I think that everybody who runs for president…it probably takes them a little bit of time before they start realizing that this isn't like running for governor or running for senator or running for Congress, and you've got to be a little more careful about what you say. But I'll cut him some slack. He's only been at it for a few days now."
As they say in the game of Battleship: "Hit!"
CHEERS to Dems on the rebound. The Republican tea party revolution in the House may be short-lived, as new polling shows Americans prefer Dems over Repugs 51-44%. And there's this:
Gallup also asked registered voters how a Tea Party endorsement would affect their likelihood of voting for a congressional candidate. The effect is nearly 2-to-1 negative, with 42% saying they would be less likely to vote for such a candidate versus 23% saying they would be more likely.
On the bright side, a whopping 82 percent said the tea party's misspelled protest signs were "adorable."
CHEERS to the yin's response to the yang. Credit rating agency Fitch (we assume Abercrombie's on board, too) to credit agency Standard & Poor's regarding America's creditworthiness: Drop dead. America retains its AAA rating. Let's see if Wall Street greets the news with an explosion of irrational exuberance the way it greeted S&P's downgrade with an explosion of irrational panic. Hard to say at this point. I'll let you know what the experts say. Just as soon as they stop yawning.
CHEERS to things that go clank. On this date in 1835, after months of blistering work, Solyman Merrick of Springfield, MA patented the wrench. We've been throwing them into the works ever since.
JEERS to icky letters from the C&J mail desk. Slipped in with the weekly pallet of U.S. bribe money to Kabul:
Dear President Karzai,
Well, howdy, buckaroo!!! What's shakin'? Dog days of summer over here in Infidel Land, and we're hotter 'n a U.S. soldier wearin' 40 pounds 'o gear runnin' around trying to save your ass from the warlords. Know what I mean?
Anyway, I'm just writing to give you a thumbs-up to the way you're encouraging clerics to encourage their followers to "Just say no" to planting suicide bombs in their turbans. It's messy, it depresses the used turban market, and I understand it really creeps out the virgins in the afterlife. So good call.
Perhaps you could also encourage them to not wear any bombs at all. If you fast-track it, you could probably convince 'em to stop before the year 3000. Dream big, I say.
Best to you, and hugs to the palace guards.
Billy
I tossed some glitter in the envelope. He loves glitter.
-
Five years ago in C&J: August 17, 2006
CHEERS to small victories. The British terror alert having subsided, the TSA now says it will now allow small amounts of liquid on flights---but only liquid medications. Good...my liver needs its hourly dose of "Bacarditol."
JEERS to Al Capone democracy. Says here that the Feds keep two sets of books on the deficit. The one you and I see is rosy (if you call $318 billion "rosy"). The other---the one kept in Dick Cheney's undisclosed location---isn't ($760 billion). Richard Wilkins at MoreLiberty has a great idea:
Perhaps members of Congress should be forced to comply with Section 404 of the infamous Sarbanes-Oxley Act which would require them to personally certify the accuracy of the government's financial information or face civil and/or criminal liability if the financial information realized to the public was found to be inaccurate.
Aww...using "Congress" and "comply" in the same sentence. How quaint.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to the Super Bowl of super bowls. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go. But if you're lucky, you can relieve yourself in one of the Ten Best Restrooms in America. Here's my favorite---take a guess why:
Don's Johns Presidential Luxury Restroom Trailer (Chantilly, Virginia): This regal restroom trailer was actually set up for President Obama during the 2009 Inauguration. It features granite counters and shelves, black marbleized walls, wood panel doors, and a hardwood-designed floor. Climate-controlled heat and air conditioning also guarantees to keep guests in maximum comfort during their visit. The dual audio system not only plays soothing music inside for the visiting guests, but those waiting outside can keep up with the event on an exterior-mounted flat screen television.
If memory serves, there's a gold plaque at the exact spot where John Roberts got a swirlie after he fucked up the oath of office. (Remember that?) You can see all the nominees and vote for your favorite here. May the best "can"didate win! (And to answer your question: three. Three hours to come up with that shitty punchline.)
Have a crisp, cool Wednesday slathered in a delightful balsamic vinaigrette. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Bill in Portland Maine on a stick. Doesn't get better than that!"
---Mitt Romney
8/11/11
-