A special welcome
to anyone who is new to The Grieving Room.
We meet every Monday evening.
Whether your loss is recent,
or many years ago;
whether you have lost a person,
or a pet;
or even if the person you are "mourning" is still alive,
("pre-grief" can be a very lonely and confusing time),
you can come to this diary
and say
whatever you need to say.
Unlike a private journal,
here,
you know:
your words are read by people who share your values
and have been through their own hell.
There's no need to pretty it up
or tone it down.
It just is.
Link to all the previous The Grieving Room diaries
You who are regulars
here at The Grieving Room
know me well,
and know my story,
my tales of grief,
the losses that have caused
my tears of grief
in recent years.
But you don't know Tonia.
I'm going to rehash my story,
for the benefit of those new to this group this evening,
and to refresh the memories of the rest.
Then,
I'm going to tell Tonia's story.
Then,
I'm going to tell the beginning
of the story of Mark and Tonia,
a story that's just beginning,
a story filled with joy,
thus,
the tears of joy
in the title.
First,
the story of Mark and Pam:
I,
Mark,
bigjac,
met Pam on October 29,
1972.
She was sixteen,
I was seventeen.
I was a pretty boy,
she went nuts over me,
but we knew we had to wait,
to develop a little maturity,
so we waited five years,
and got married on October 29,
1977.
Pam was born disabled.
You can read more about her muscular dystrophy
http://www.dailykos.com/...
at that link.
But we had a rather normal marriage,
for about 25 years,
even though I had to do so much for Pam,
since she was born so very disabled;
putting her to bed,
getting her comfy
with certain pillows
in certain positions,
for example.
Friday,
the 16th of April,
1999,
my mother,
Eva,
died,
but for some reason,
it simply didn't hit me that hard.
I felt a little disconnected,
and I started drinking coffee,
on my way home from work,
to console myself.
And I started doing crossword puzzles.
My mother had always been a coffee drinker,
and always loved doing crossword puzzles.
Anyway,
my father,
Don,
remarried,
in December of 1999.
I thought my father would live for many more years,
and I was making plans to spend some quality time with him,
but,
on January 7th,
a Sunday,
2001,
when Pam and I were visiting him and my stepmother,
Mary Lou,
we escorted him to the ER,
because he had a swollen knee,
and it had been swollen for nearly a week.
It turned out to be cancer.
On a Saturdy morning,
at about 2AM,
the 27th of January,
2001,
while Pam and I were in his hospital room,
he breathed his last labored breath.
That was the first time
any death hit me hard.
I cried like a baby.
Then,
in 2002,
Pam started getting sick.
Very sick.
It turned out
that when a person is born so severely disabled as Pam,
sitting in a wheelchair,
hunched down in a bad position for breathing,
for her whole life,
and when such a person gains a lot of fat at the neck,
as Germans often do,
the shallow breathing,
and the sleep apnea,
tend to shorten a person's life.
Pam was in and out of hospitals so often,
I lost count.
She finally died
on a Tuesday,
the 11th of March,
2008.
I've been writing about her here at The Grieving Room,
a lot,
ever since.
Now for Tonia's story:
(By the way,
Tonia is registered here at Daily Kos
as bigton2051,
but she's been strictly lurking,
so far.
She has promised
to de-lurk tonight,
in the comment thread.)
Tonia was born in 1970.
She's the oldest of five,
with three younger brothers,
and one younger sister.
When Tonia was twelve,
in 1982,
her mother,
Oretha Isabella,
known as Izzy,
but,
of course,
simply Mama,
to Tonia,
became very ill,
with Crohn's disease.
To treat the disease,
her mama had to have surgery,
to remove most of her large and small intestines.
This left a gaping hole in her tummy,
to the left of her belly button.
This was a big part
of the brutal life,
the brutal obstacles,
the brutally grinding hard work
that Tonia's had to do
for most of her life.
She had to take care of her mama.
She had to change out
the ostomy bag flange,
every five or six days,
and it was a smelly mess.
And,
since her mother was too ill to take care of her children,
and her father gave up and left,
Tonia had to take over the duties
of rearing her four younger siblings.
Tonia is a genius,
but she had to overcome her dyslexia,
and the stress of caring for her mother,
and the stress of caring for her siblings,
and the stress of finding ways to bring in enough money for the family,
(don't ask the details of how she did that).
But she still got straight A's.
4.0 grade point average.
From kindergarten through college.
And Tonia has a PhD.
Anyway,
back to when Tonia had just turned 17,
May of 1987.
While she was under all this stress,
and still getting straight A's,
she met a man named David,
who was 31 years old,
who fell in love with her,
and he had a good steady job,
and he moved in with her family,
and he gave her all his paychecks,
and they kissed,
and Tonia felt hope,
because she had someone to help her,
and make things work.
They planned to get married.
She was pregnant with twins.
Then,
in September of 1987,
her mama died.
Tonia knows what I know,
what some of you know,
that in the middle of the grief,
there is relief,
when you've been working hard,
taking care of someone who's certainly dying,
and that person
finally dies.
Relief with the grief.
So,
in the middle of her grief,
Tonia felt relief,
and hope,
with her David,
that her life might be okay,
with her and David,
taking care of her siblings,
and their twins on the way,
it all seemed okay.
Then,
in January of 1988,
Tonia gave birth,
way too early,
to twin preemies.
One was weaker,
not expected to live,
and that one died in two weeks.
Tonia and David had hope that their other daughter
would live,
but she died in two months,
in March of 1988.
Then,
in April of 1988,
in a freak accident on a freeway,
David was killed by a construction crane
that smashed into his car.
Tonia was left holding the bag,
caring for,
providing food and rent and clothing for,
her siblings and herself,
and still maintaining straight A's in school.
At 17,
not yet 18 years old.
Tonia has endured a lot more,
but she's sitting right here,
and I asked her
if she's willing to fill in the rest,
in the comments tonight,
or in a diary of her own,
some other time.
Now,
for the events leading to our tears of joy:
After David,
even though I'm not filling in the details,
Tonia had 25 years of finding
no one
who would
kiss her.
Kiss
her.
Sloppy,
wet,
suck on each other's upper lips,
lower lips,
tongues,
kiss.
No one,
for 25 years,
would kiss Tonia.
Sex, yes,
kiss, no.
It reminds me of the comment in the movie,
Pretty Woman,
that the hooker played by Julia Roberts said,
that she would never kiss any of her customers;
too personal.
Why did those men refuse
to get personal with Tonia?
Anyway,
just after Pam died,
in the spring of 2008,
I saw Tonia in my Walmart workplace.
(I forgot to tell you,
I met Tonia while Pam was alive,
because Tonia was one of the many people
who were paid by your tax dollars
to take care of Pam.)
I told Tonia that Pam had died,
and,
somehow,
it came out that Tonia was taking care of two other disabled people
who had no van,
and I simply gave Tonia Pam's old van.
It had a wheelchair lift,
and it ran okay,
but it had a great deal of things wrong with it.
Anyway,
some months later,
Tonia called me,
just wanting to talk.
Okay,
I'm getting tired,
and I'm going to cut to the chase,
which I'm sure you want me to do,
anyway:
Tonia and I,
gradually,
mostly with Tonia's aggressive actions,
have found each other,
and I mean that we realize
that we intend to take care of each other,
for the rest of our lives.
We kiss,
we make love,
we can't get enough of each other.
Both of us had just about given up hope
of finding anyone so delighted
to be with us,
as we are with each other.
Read this diary,
in which I explain and expound
on the bond between Mark and Tonia,
the maturity,
respect,
and love,
shown by actions,
actions by which we've proven to each other
that we have those qualities,
enabling us to generously serve each other:
http://www.dailykos.com/...
And,
there have been moments
when I've cried
tears of joy,
but that's nothing;
I cry very easily;
my heart's on my sleeve.
But the mighty Tonia,
the stoic Tonia,
the never cry Tonia,
when I saw her crying
tears of joy,
I knew this was a loving bond
between us
that nothing can break.
By the way,
we're fixing up her brother's house,
and we're moving in,
in six months.
Tonia's room,
our room,
has a storm shelter,
a tornado shelter,
a small basement,
under the room.
I love it.
So,
we're happy newlyweds,
even though the formal wedding is scheduled
for June 21st, 2012.
And fixing up a house
feels so right.
And,
we have a new puppy,
Suzie Q,
who will replace our Rowdy Joe
when he gets old and dies,
as dogs do.
(Rowdy is only six years old;
we're planning ahead.)
And,
in a few years,
we may adopt a girl and a boy,
brother and sister,
older than five years old.
(That's a topic for another diary)
Thanks for reading.