I am a troll. I admit it. My tribe is originally from Denmark, but then they moved to northern France and then about a thousand years ago they moved up to England and then eventually over here to the United States.
I moved to the densely forested hills just south of BC a few years ago. The climate is almost perfect for my kind. It's right on the bay so, there is lot's of rain. Lot's of fog. Lot's of deer to snack on. And really good internet.
But still, it's not easy being a troll in 2011. We don't actually turn to stone in the sun, but we can't really come out during the day all that much. People around here say they are tolerant, but we're really tall and we can see them hurrying to walk across to the other side of the meadow when they see us.
I know that they are just afraid of our enormous size and our giant teeth and our huge claws. I try to be understanding. But you can only watch so many people pissing themselves when they see you before it starts to sting. And for all of our mammoth size and incredible strength, we are a very tender hearted species.
But I still can't really complain too much. I have a horrifically ugly wife. We're about to start laying eggs. We wake up every afternoon and smell the fresh air and drink the still relatively clean ocean water. There is an amazing buffet of everything from eagles to dolphins to eat around here. There's whale season and that's always a great time. Once I got so drunk off of whale that I tried to eat a bi plane.
So, why am I coming out of the forest with this diary? Well, I watched this movie Trollhunter. This movie is every single stereotype of trolls in the goddamn book. I can't just stay quiet and let this be what people think trolls are.
I was furious while watching it. Maybe more at the trolls who agreed to act in it than the people who made it. What did those trolls get out of that experience? 15 minutes of fame? Was that really worth it? I almost think it was just a way to thumb their maws at those of us who left Scandinavia to live around the world. It's been a thousand years and I think they still haven't gotten over it.
So, let me set the record straight. Trolls are not a threat to your farm animals. We only eat food that is free. And by free I mean that it lives a free life. I honestly don't know how you people can stomach the taste of captivity. Ugh. But the point is that we are not stealing your food. And most importantly, we don't consider you food. Again, we can't stomach the taste of captivity. Yes, we had some issues with the natives, but that was hundreds of years ago. And we have all sworn off eating humans. All of us all around the world. I promise. And a troll's promise is good. Unlike certain other species who live around here.
Ok, you know, I have to admit that even though I am upset about the Trollhunter movie... I do take some solace in the fact that at least I'm not a vampire or a werewolf trying to live through the last few years of Twilight movies! Haahahaha!
Sorry. I'm sorry. Buy they are all just so serious.
But getting back to us trolls. Yes, we are here, we are smelly, but we are not going to eat you or your food or your canine slaves. We don't want any favors. We don't want any fights. We just don't want to be feared.
It feels bad.