I saw them climbing out of their Mercedes down at the corner. They were dressed to the "Nines." Each had the "Book" cradled in their arms. They walked ramrod straight.
Four modern Templars marching unto the heathen poor.
Took them awhile, but finally my doorbell signaled their arrival.
"Morning neighbor! We came to speak to you about the blessings Jesus has brought unto you and the world."
"Really?" I said, "Jesus lives next door to me and not once did he say such to me in all the years he's been my neighbor."
"No, no," said the first woman. "Jesus Christ."
"Oh," I said, "You mean the guy who got taken to the cleaners by Rome for being poor and humble?"
"Yes. That's right," said one of the do-gooders.
"No big deal," I muttered. "Our damn government is still taking good people to the cleaners and keeping the tradition of stomping on the poor alive, while telling them how much their government loves and cares for them," I offered.
"Ummm," said one of the female do-gooders, "Jesus was the son of God," she muttered.
"Oh," I said. "Which one? There are lots of Gods," I offered.
"The one true God," said the man.
"If people believe in different concepts of God, then yours isn't the 'One true God,' now is it?" I answered.
"Ma'm, I don't think you understand," said the short woman. "God sent his son to cleanse you of your sins," she explained.
"Uh, huh," I replied. "Since I am without sin, because Jesus, who is really God, but pretending to be his own son, which is weird by itself, means I don't need to be saved by you. Jesus absolved me of sin, right? Then why are you here? Seems kinda redundant, don't you think?" I offered.
"You seem confused," said one of the men.
"No," I replied. "I'm not confused. My topknot is on straight and functions exceedingly well, thank you," I responded.
The taller woman began to speak, "We have come to share God's word with you."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because we are all sinners in God's eyes," sputtered the tall woman.
"Wait just a darn minute. First, you say that Jesus died to absolve the world of its sins, but sin is still rampant among the governing body today. Kind of a monumental failure on his part, wouldn't you think? Your God should have opened the sky and talked to all of us sinners directly, instead of doing a shell game of becoming his own son and muddying the waters, so to speak. I've yet to meet anyone smoted by God, but our government sure likes to smote people," I responded.
"Ma'm," offered the short man, "Satan and his minions are among us, trying to steal our souls and whisk them into the depths of Hell."
"Nothing earth shaking in that," I said. "Satan and his minions have a political party to do his bidding. It's called the GOP, in case you were wondering where his minions dwell. Satan dwells among the Corporations and his sister panders the Bible," I said.
"But, Ma'm..." the tall man started to speak, but I cut him off. I was on a rant.
"Look, you pathetic people, if you really want to spread the word of God, then do it by actions, not words. This whole area consists of poor people who could use relief from hunger, benefit from good health care and a job that pays a living wage. Thump that book all you want, but doing so ain't helping your fellow man. Look at you people. Standing in front of me in your expensive clothes, diving your Mercedes or BMW, whatever, coming here with a book, rather than the miracle of compassion. There is a grocery store a block away. Go and buy baby formula, meat, vegetables, diapers, feminine hygiene products, etc. and distribute them among the poor...Oh, what the hell, I'm wasting my breath," I stammered.
The short man spoke, "God works in mysterious ways."
"Well, you got me there," I replied. "Personally, when Jesus was on the Cross dying for our sins, he'd a done a better job by smiting and smoting the sinners with fire from his eyes and lightening bolts from his ass, rather than wimping out like President Obama bowing to Boehner and begging for another chance for redemption within the GOP," I declared.
"One more thing, before I go get my shotgun and march you back to you $45,000 car. You will do much good by not thumping the book and rolling up your sleeves and working to ensure, truth, justice and the American Way. Redeem yourself by becoming a progressive democrat," I said.
The bunch of them slunk back to their $45,000 car to wisk back to their den of pomposity.