And here you thought Henny Youngman was dead.
If you visit Phoenix's New Times website, they've got a neat little tracker in the corner that shows how many days the Feds have been investigating Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Two Federal probes are underway: The DOJ is looking into a long list of racial profiling accusations, which began long before the gutted version of SB 1070 took effect last summer.
The U.S. Justice Department has launched a civil-rights investigation of the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office after months of mounting complaints that deputies are discriminating in their enforcement of federal immigration laws. Arizona Republic, 3/11/09
Also, a Federal Grand Jury is looking into abuse of power allegations stemming from Arpaio's nasty habit of attacking political opponents with lawsuits, media smears, lies, phony indictments, and other vindictive schemes.
Two high level Maricopa County officials and at least three sheriff's officials have been subpoenaed by a federal grand jury to testify against Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. HuffPo, 1/8/10
What gave the Grand Jury investigation even more teeth was the infamous Munnell memo from a year ago:
Top officials in the office of Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio used its anti-corruption unit to conduct politically motivated investigations, misled the public about a campaign fund that helped Arpaio win reelection and surveilled the Arizona lawman's campaign rivals, according to an internal memo from a high-ranking officer. LA Times
Written by former Arpaio Deputy Frank Munnell, the memo described an out-of-touch Sheriff's Office drenched in cronyism, corruption, money laundering, misuse of funds, and political vendettas. In the wake of Munnell-gate, three of Arpaio's top deputies were fired. Yet the Sheriff, the man supposedly responsible for his Office's actions, remains.
If that weren't enough, Arpaio is one of the most sued law officials in the nation, whose unconstitutional and immoral actions have so far cost Maricopa County taxpayers more than $50 million in lawsuits. Many cases were brought by citizens who were illegally detained; the largest claims were filed by the families of inmates who were tortured or killed while in Arpaio's custody.
According to Maricopa County Risk Management records, almost 6,300 claims and lawsuits have been filed against Sheriff Arpaio and his office since he began as sheriff in 1993. The cost to defend those cases has been more than $50 million...
To put that into perspective, the ABC15 Investigators also searched Harris County in Texas which includes Houston. Harris County is almost the same size in population to Maricopa County. There are only 283 lawsuits listed under the Harris County Sheriff's Office for the same 17 year period. Maricopa County has about six times more. ABC15.com
At least another $100 million in lawsuits against the Sheriff's Office is pending. How's that "fiscal conservative" thing working out for you, Republicans?
And yet we wait ... nearly three years now. Today the New Times tracker reads 996 Days, so as we approach the 1,000-day anniversary of do-nothingness on the part of the Feds, let's take a gander at what the Sheriff thinks of the investigations -- and his critics in general. Case in point: James King reports that over the weekend Sheriff Arpaio performed live at the Mohave County GOP fund raiser. Tucked away in northwest Arizona, this is safe territory for Arpaio -- one of the most rightwing counties in a bat-shit crazy state.
The Sheriff's half-hour schtick is a barrel full of laughs, right outta the Catskills in the 50s. To save you the enjoyment of sitting through the entire performance, which will likely air soon on Comedy Central (YouTube here), below are some highlights from Part 1 (sorry, couldn't sit through the second half):
"I'm sure we have a few Democrats here making notes. Put it in English."
That got a big laugh. Har har. Given the countless grammatical errors in your brief speech, Sheriff, maybe it's
you who needs notes in English.
"There are some people that don't like me, especially south of the border."
I don't think you need to look "south of the border," Sheriff. Shit, even in far-right looneyland like Mohave County there were hecklers. Outside of these circle-jerks of pasty old white people, Arpaio can rarely show his mug without encountering protesters.
"How come nobody asks for my opinion?"
The Sheriff was miffed that Federal and State drug and immigration agencies aren't tapping his vast knowledge. Do they really have to seek advice from the yahoo they're investigating? Should they take lessons from the
only County Sheriff in Arizona whose
crime rates have risen since 2004?
"If [I had bosses and] I wanted to do something, if I wanted to put someone in pink underwear .. I'd have to go through all the 'legal stuff' ... take you twenty years. I did it in 24 hours."
Classic Arpaio. Screw the "legal stuff," if I want to do something, I'll do it, daggummit! The goobers love it when he sings Sinatra's "My Way." Seriously. The hell with that Miranda thing, shred that Bill of Rights, don't talk to me about proper police procedures! If I want to arrest troublemakers like civil rights advocate Sal Reza, I'll do it even if there's no reason! (
YouTube)
"I joined the Army the day the Korean War broke out, so I love the smell of military tents."
Right, play up your veteran status there, Joe. Only you forgot to mention that you didn't see a lot of action serving as a clerk in France. Duck! Incoming typewriter ribbons!
"I needed free space [for my Tent City] ... I put the tents up between the dump and the waste disposal plant."
The knuckle draggers loved this. Classy.
"If the tents are that bad, how come I got guys running for President standing next to me? In the tents!"
Yeah, let's look at the presidential candidates who visited your canvas shrine: Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, Pete Wilson. All Republicans, all losers. Hey Joe, invite Rick Perry.
"I get a little angry with mayors who don't like me coming in to their city.... If I want to raid Phoenix or Scottsdale, I'm gonna do it! And I've been doing it."
Damn those pesky mayors (
YouTube), asking Arpaio's goons to knock off their immigration sweeps of car washes and fast food franchises and instead focus on real crimes.
"I don't racial profile anybody. I lock everybody up."
Yuck, yuck! When former State Senator Carolyn Allen stepped down last year
she said, "I do not want to live in the police state that Russell Pearce, Joe Arpaio and Andy Thomas are spearheading." I sometimes wonder if the Senator knows how right she was.
Take my sheriff ... please.