Cheers and Jeers Annual Fundraiser: Day 4
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From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Occupy Wall Street Preoccupies Late Night Snark
"The Occupy Wall Street protesters gathered outside Rupert Murdoch's house chanting, 'What do we want?' Murdoch interrupted saying, 'I already know, I hacked your phones.'"
---Craig Ferguson
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"The Occupy Wall Street movement has basically been a four-week downtown Manhattan live-in which has spread to cities all around the country, causing the media to move its coverage dial from 'Blackout' to 'Circus.' Those are the only two settings it has."
---Jon Stewart
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"Over 700 people who were part of the Occupy Wall Street demonstrations were arrested this past weekend in New York when they tried to block traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. Because there's nothing people on Wall Street hate more than not being able to get to Brooklyn."
---Seth Meyers
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"Rick Perry’s advisers said he prepared for the last debate by getting a lot more sleep. Apparently, he did it during the debate."
---Jay Leno
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"During the Republican debate last night, Michele Bachmann said she has 28 children, five of her own and 23 foster kids. It’s all part of her new strategy: Adopting a majority of voters."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"I love NASCAR. It answers the age-old question, 'What if my box of Tide could go two hundred miles an hour?'"
---Stephen Colbert
And one year ago:
"There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing---that's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means 'good enough, but just barely.' You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark."
---Bill Maher
I write about this down below, but I'll mention it up top, too: keep an eye out for the "1-in-6" blogathon posts this weekend to benefit Feeding America. Thanks!
The escalator to the top of the liquor cabinet is broken. You'll have to use the freight elevator. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 14, 2011
Note: Remember back in 2005 when you asked me to remind you about the rolls in the oven? [Tap Tap!] Don't forget the rolls in the oven.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next Rapture: 7
(Source: Harold Camping---Heeee's Baaaack!)
Days 'til Hanukah, Festivus and Christmas (assuming the Rapture doesn't materialize): 68/70/72
Number of people who gave to the Obama campaign in the third quarter: 606,027
Average amount of the donations: $56
Date on which America reached 300 million people: 10/16/06
Time it took for Yamaha to build Elton John's million-dollar grand piano, which he says "has a spin cycle in the back, a microwave and an aquarium": 4 years
Percent chance he named it "Blossom" after jazz great Blossom Dearie: 100%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Whoa. Them's ain't paws…them's mitts. (Happy 3rd birthday, Bo!)
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CHEERS to Superstars Against Hunger! Several of Daily Kos's best and brightest, headed by rb137, are throwing a weekend blog-a-thon for the group Feeding America. The theme is "1 in 6," which represents the shocking proportion of Americans who can't count on having food to eat on a reliable basis---and how fucked up is that? So keep your eyes peeled and your "Recommend" Finger (for me it's mah left pinky) on alert starting tomorrow morning at 9 for posts by noweasels, teacherken, TheFatLadySings, Timroff, Blue Jersey Mom, JanF, Aji, Patric Juillet, Chacounne and boatsie. If you won’t be logged on this weekend, you can contribute now at this link. C&J will kick it off with the first $25. On behalf of stomachs across America: Growl.
RAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! to the fist-bump heard round the world. In lower Manhattan this morning, cheers of victory and relief after Mayor Bloomberg and the caretakers of Zuccotti Park called off the eviction of the Occupy Wall Street protesters. Meanwhile, at 6:45 this morning I turned on MSNBC to get some intelligent information and analysis from the crew whose job it is to provide it, and this is the first thing I heard:
"If they could drag them out and beat them, they would."
That was host Joe Scarborough thoughtfully explaining what the protesters want to do to rich people. So to summarize the current conservative line: Occupy Wall Street is a bunch of lazy, marijuana-smoking, peace-sign-flashing slackers who want to advance their non-violent movement by breaking into people's homes, dragging them into the street, and beating the shit out of them. And we woulda gotten away with it, too, if not for those meddling pundits!
P.S. Today we occupy Wall Street (and its hundreds of nationwide affiliates)…tomorrow we occupy The World! Bring comfortable shoes.
JEERS to today's depressing deep thought. In America, when 64 percent of us approve of the death penalty, that means it's not going anywhere anytime soon. But when 63 percent of us approve of the president's bill to create 2 million jobs, that means it's not going anywhere anytime soon. We'll file that under, "100 Percent Fucked Up."
JEERS to Democratic brain farts we'd like to forget. A hundred and six years ago today, in 1905, former president Grover Cleveland wrote an article for Ladies Home Journal, opposing women's voting rights. His words:
"We all know how much further women go than men in their social rivalries and jealousies...sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. The relative positions to be assumed by men and women in the working out of our civilization were assigned long ago by a higher intelligence."
I believe the relative position of his wife's rolling pin that night was right between the eyes.
CHEERS to speedy solutions to pesky problems. The Black Death's---aka The Plague's---genetic code, which eluded the greatest scientific minds for 600 years, has finally been discovered. Turns out it was 123456789. Doh!
CHEERS to sweet victory! The Cubs win the World Series! The Cubs win the World Series! The Cubs win the World Series! Mark it down in the history books---October 14. 1908. Man, that musta been great.
JEERS to the flight of the loon. After calling his tidy whities a "blessed weapon," failed terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab---the underwear bomber---pled guilty this week in a (Gasp!) civilian court to trying to blow up Flight 253 over Detroit on Christmas Day, 2009. During the brief proceedings, witnesses described the chaos that ensued, including the heroic rallying cry that brought the passengers together in a spirit of can-do teamwork to subdue Abdulmutallab and save the day: "Hey, Dude, your pants are on fire!" Apparently there was a moment of confusion within the confusion when a Republican congressman in First Class turned around and yelled, "Oh, hardy har har! Like I've never heard that before!"
CHEERS to feeling the need for speed. On this date in 1947, U.S. Air Force Captain Chuck Yeager (still active today at 88 but suffering from chronic rheumatoid Republicanism after endorsing Duncan Hunter for president in '08) rode The X-1 into history by being the first person to break the sound barrier at 662mph. His wife's first words after he landed: "How come you're never that quick to mow the lawn?"
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Five years ago in C&J: October 14, 2006
CHEERS to...President Bush? Yeah, he gets a point in the plus column for signing the "Pets Evacuation and Transportation Standards" bill into law. It says that local and state disaster plans have to make "provisions for household pets and service animals in the event of a major disaster or emergency." Like, say, anytime Dick Cheney gets behind the wheel of his Studebaker.
CHEERS to slipping in the shower stall of justice. Grover Norquist gets knocked down a peg when a new Senate report nearly drowns his reputation in the bathtub for "perpetrating a fraud" on American taxpayers by "selling [his] clout to lobbyist Jack Abramoff." As usual, Beelzebub was the middleman.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's the haps this weekend on the teevee. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Dallas Pastor Robert Jeffress, the Rick Perry supporter who calls Mormonism a "cult" (and Maher agrees, so that'll be a wacky conversation); plus Penn Jillett, CNBC's Michelle Caruso-Cabrera, Thom Hartman and John Fund. New DVD releases include the superhero dud The Green Lantern, plus Horrible Bosses and what is fast becoming a classic modern-day stoner flick, Terrence Malick's The Tree of Life. (SPOILER ALERT: The tree is Luke's father!) The NFL schedule is here (the Patriots will LASSO the Cowboys Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!) and the pace of the baseball playoffs shifts from pokey to glacial. Anna Faris (should I know who she is?) hosts SNL. On 60 Minutes: Vincent van Gogh's suicide re-examined (some now say it was the salmon mousse!), and the White House's "Jobs Czar," whose name appears to be Rip van Winkle.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Up! With Chris Hayes (MSNBC): Saturday from 7-9 and Sunday from 8-10. I finally remembered to tune in to this last weekend, and my verdict is: "Thumbs Up, Up!" Chris keeps his show loose and freewheeling, with topics that extend beyond one measly segment. It makes the network shows look positively calcified. Give him a whirl. I'm guessing you'll be "swept Up!" (Only took me six hours to come UP with that!)
Meet the Press Republicans: Herman Cain; Tim "Please, May I Have A Do-over?" Pawlenty on why Mitt Romney should be the Republican candidate to get trounced by Obama; Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal on why Rick Perry should be the Republican candidate to get trounced by Obama; discussion of the Iranian plot to assassinate a Saudi Ambassador.
CNN's State of the Union: Coverage of the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial dedication, which was postponed by racist Hurricane Irene; discussion of the Iranian plot to destroy the U.S. economy. (Ha! We beat ya to it, Ayatollahs! Suck on our income disparity and 20 percent unemployment!)
This Week: David Axelrod puts a grape in a nutcracker to demonstrate what the Obama campaign plans to do to the Romney campaign. Roundtable with George Will, ABC News's Jonathan Karl, economist, former Clinton economic advisor Laura Tyson, Bloomberg's Margaret Brennan, Mary Matalin and The Washington Post's Ruth Marcus---an impressive 9.9 on the Beltway Purity Scale; Jake Tapper provides live coverage of the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial dedication while perched atop MLK's giant stone head, and civil rights icon Rep. John Lewis (D-GA) shows up to diffuse the situation with a well-aimed tranquilizer dart. Then: House Intelligence (Ha Ha Ha!) Committee Chairman Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI), and The New York Times' David Sanger discuss the Iranian plot to infiltrate Facebook and steal all the rutabagas in Farmville.
Face the Nation: House Oversight Committee members Darrel Issa (R-CA) and Rep. Elijah Cummings (D-MD); roundtable with Norah O'Donnell & John Dickerson of CBS News and Julianna Goldman of Bloomberg TV, including discussion of the Iranian plot to prevent Boy Scouts from helping little old ladies across the street.
Washington Week: Alexis Simendinger of Realclearpolitics.com on the stalled American Jobs Act; Karen Tumulty of The Washington Post and Time's Michael Duffy on the Republican race; James Kitfield of National Journal on the Iranian plot to steal Christmas.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA); roundtable with Liz Marlantes, Bill Kristol, Jeff Zeleny and Liz Cheney; Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-CA) discusses the Iranian plot to turn all 3D movies back into 2D.
Happy viewing, plotting and occupying!!!
And now...I bid you sweet dreams. have a great weekend and thanks again for your support of C&J during our annual fundraiser. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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