I’m sure a lot of Americans were upset at Newt Gingrich for advising the OWS protesters to take baths. Coming from most people, a statement like that would be considered ignorant and downright nasty, but I’m going to defend the indefensible with no more than a keyboard and a giant pair of low-hanging loofahs.
Sure, Newton Leroy Gingrich is a citadel of slime - ergo, who would know dirt better than a man steeped so deeply in his own crust that four showers a day wouldn’t be enough to remove the outermost layer? Like the age rings on a rotting stump, Newt’s personal detritus serves as a testament to his historical knowledge on the subject of proper hygienics.
The stench emitted by the man on the day he told his cancer-stricken wife he was leaving her for another woman must have been strong enough to wipe out a small city. That clean-up probably demanded the assistance of a HAZMAT team. Then there was Newt’s extended period of odiferousness as Speaker of the House. Compared to the House chamber of the 1990s, Love Canal smelled like a rose garden. Even Newt's Republican colleagues couldn’t hold their noses for the duration and had to stage an intervention.
But let’s be fair; Newton Leroy Gingrich is more than a mindless wheel of perpetual brevibacterium in motion. As his PR spokesperson recently informed us, on his dirtiest of days,"out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich."
Running his Internet scams alone must work up a good sweat. Racing between cess pool and press pool, a lesser man wouldn’t even have time to rinse his nails, but Newt always manages to wash his hands, thoroughly. It takes a lot of shoveled dirt to bury the illegal millions he’s made lobbying for Freddie Mac, the healthcare cartel, federally investigated casino owners and other scum-suckers. A less-christened man would be left with dark and pestiferous appendages growing from his nether regions, but on Newt, those feculent stalactites hang with the glitter of Christmas tinsel.
Now that’s clean!
I wouldn’t be surprised if Newt runs his body through a car wash at the end of each squalid pay-day. It’s amazing what a good poetic waxing and a little pine tree hanging from his historical rear view mirror can cover up. Listen to one of Gingrich's staged press events and you’d think his schtick has never schtunk. Newt can shower a room with toxic bromide while those who know the real Gingrich wince while he repeats.
Yes. Those dirty hippies could learn something about good hygiene from Newton Leroy Gingrich, a walking oil slick of a man with barely a hint of his core-deep rancidity.