The pitter patter of the rain blends in with the droning sounds of the pre-game show of my husbands Steelers game tonight. The shrill sounds of my sons theme song blends in from the kids room. Yes my son has his own theme song he squeals. No words just the music. I am grateful of these sounds. Though not quiet it is much toned down from earlier. The male and female children fighting and squealing in the back seat of the car is enough to make me wish I could be the irresponsible driver and put in my cheap mp3 player's ear bugs (I know it buds is the correct term. Bugs is what my son has christened them).
Competing mis-worded Christmas songs and the usual bickering filled the car towards the end of a long day. As I drive along with the claphaminy (my word) of noise I try to have a small conversation with my husband. Little innuendos and such banter back and forth, the female child stops her noise to fill her voice into the highly not child conversation that is spoken in adult code. "Female please go back to fighting with your bother." Silly songs and question after question after question after question come from the middle set of the soccer mom mini van. I drove a mustang when I was younger, now I drive a mini van so filled with trash, toys, and clothing that I can A. give a recycling plant work for a year, B. Make the salvation army toy drive happy if they weren't broken, and finally C. Have a change of clothes for a week.
I swear the noise is loud enough for the drivers next to us peer in our windows to see the murder scene going on in my now shaking mom mini van. I am sort of use to those stares. My female was 18 months old when my car was violently shaking back and forth at a stop light. I spent a while perplexed on why the car was acting strange. I pull away from the line when the light turned green. I thinking about how to get to the nearest parking lot. I glance out my driver side window to see the driver of the car next to me laughing hysterically. I give him a cross eyed look for laughing at my obvious bad situation. I look in my rearview to tell the female, "Don't worry mommy will fix this." Then I see what was going on. My 18 month old was rocking out to The Killers, and what had the man next to me laughing so hard was the fact she had a crayon shoved up each nostril head banging away. "I got soul but I am not a solider...... I got soul but I am not a solider..... I GOT SOUL BUT I AM NOT A SOILDER AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."
Our day today started at 5:09 am. I am awaken by the alarm going off and the others get awaken to mommy's harpy cries of get up, get up we are running late. I rush the male and female to get dress. Where is my socks? "If you would just go buy a dresser and get rid of the piece of junk we could find their socks." Sighs money we don't have so I just ignore it. I slap together a sandwich for my husband and we herd everyone out the door. Stop at the gas station and I pick up a bit of this for his lunch. I high tail it to my friends house. I have to take her kid to school today hence getting up at 5:09 instead of 5:30.
I tell my husband I love him since the said friend will drop him off at his work in Misery on the way to hers. Normal days I drop him off and turn around to come home. I walk into the door and the kid is grouchy. A grouchy 6 year old refusing to let me "fluff" her extremely curly hair. The female and male are raising hell in the kids bedroom. It is only 6:10am and since her younger sister is off of head start and at grandma's we don't have to rush out the door to get her to her before care at 7:00 am. I throw down 3 bowls of cereal and let them play until 7:05 am. I pull out the lion tamer chair, a whip and get them to clean up the mess in her room. 7: 20 am I rush them down the stairs and to the car. Scolding them for getting too far ahead of me in the parking lot.
7:30 am I drop off the kid at her school and start flying to get through traffic so that my kids can get to school on time. The female has decided to pile stuff on her head making her hair look all tangled and like I didn't brush it. The fighting and competing for mommy's attention continues. I skid to a stop in front of the school. "Yes Male you will have to go to school all day today. It is Christmas party day. Male child take that blanket for your power pause. Male child take that blanket for your power pause. MALE CHILD YES YOU WILL GO TO SCHOOL TODAY, YES YOU WILL STAY ALL DAY, AND TAKE THAT BLANKET FOR YOUR POWER PAUSE." Honk honk your blocking the circle drop off line, well the honk honk can be heard anyway. "Mom, the male child is splashing me with the puddle water." screams the female. "MALE CHILD LET YOUR SISTER GET OUT OF THE CAR WITHOUT GETTING SOPPING AND FOR CHRIST SAKES TAKE THE BLANKET FOR YOUR POWER PAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO GO TO SCHOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL DAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY GET THAT BLANKET OUT OF THE PUDDLE SHUT THE DOOR AND GET INTO THE SCHOOL. huhhuhhuhuhuh heavy breathing. HONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS MOM VAN AND SHOVE YOUR STEARING WHEEL. Well in all actually I drive off slowly irritatingly slow.
Now normal days finds me cleaning up the condemned apartment. Katrina has nothing on these people I share it with. Normal days have me wading ankle deep in stuff, well crap ok. Normal days have me fielding hun can you texts from my husband. 8 am until 10:45 am finds me trying to tame things like cleaning said above, also shopping without the give me I wants. I then pick up male child from the half day kindergarten and then I spend 11 am until 2:45 pm trying to get male child to eat something besides cheap hot dogs, get him to work on his writing and motor skills and keeping him from flooding the bathroom. About once a week I get a call saying I forgot my lunch from the husband. That means I end up running out there and by the time I get done it is 1:15 pm by the time I get home. Also twice a week finds me running to pick up friend's kid from her school rushing to get the female from her school, going to get husband drop husband off at school by 4:15 pm and rushing to get friends other kid from head start after care at 5:00 pm and babysitting said male, female, and 2 friends kids until 7:45 pm and then rushing to pick up the husband at 8:00 pm.
No this wasn't a normal or a 2 day a week semi normal day. No this was mommy is the room parent because no one else would do it day. So 8:00 am found me stuff 28 bags with pop corn and tying pretty bows on them, then stuffing 28 bags with kisses and tying pretty bows on them. Next comes the fixing the gift wrapping on the class gift which my broke ass self had to pay for all by herself because no one chipped in. 10:00 am finds me finally stopping for longer than one of my adhd stop to check Kos moments. 11:00 am finds me in the bath getting clean and doing hair because well just imagine mean girls room mom style. Honestly they are all nice, I just feel inadequate next to them. 1:15pm I have loaded the car and head to the school. 1:30 pm has me sitting in the office waiting for the secretary/ armed guard let me in to the class room. 1:45 pm finds me in the room with about 1/4 of what was signed up to bring waiting for me to set up. I set up when a rush of panic where is different friend who is room mom in other room. "I don't know". (said friend was in Wichita at the hospital with her mom and only got in at 7:45 am. She was baking 3 dozen cupcakes, 6 dozen cookies, arranging for pizza, buying class gift and didn't get into room until 2:30 pm). I hand them my phone and tell them hit 8.
Tears fill my eyes. Nothing is really there, one mom signed up for 28 cookies and sends 12 not enough for all the kids. Hurry up with my phone, I need to call the bank to get my balance I am going to need to rush to get some cookies and drinks at least. I set up everything I have. Crap forgot the craft and the color sheets. Oh well. Finally a dad and a different mom come in with treats. Thank God. Something is better than nothing.
Kids come in from sing a long. Things went well and 2:55 roles around. "Remember we are Eco Warriors kids. We need to put our trash in the right containers because the green team is not meeting to sort today."
We clean and runnnnn. We being the female child and I. We runnnnnn to the kindergarten hall to get the male. The male is of course ignoring instructions. A big hole is near the crotch of his pants. I quiz male child. Wellllll I was cutting them on purpose and Ms Teacher took my scissors away. Sigh.
"Gather your stuff up male child." Male child walks in circles. "Gather your stuff up male child." Male child finds ant on floor and has to catch it. "Gather your stuff up male child." Male child talks to kid in class about invading a poor 3rd world country and forming a dictatorship on his path of world domination with his super dooper box of evil as his secret weapon. (all that sentence before is exaggerated but every bit has been said to me before, maybe not at once but he does have these plans. He was born when shrub was in office.) Vein in my forehead explodes and I have stroke trying not to get to "GATHER YOU DAMN STUFF UP MALE CHILD BEFORE I SMOTHER YOU WITH A FEATHER." stage.
Load up car and get in lane to get out of the parking lot. Parents found a cheat to get in the circle pick up line thus blocking me in the lot. It is now 3:25. A few well place words and nasty looks gets me out and on the slick roads. 35 is backed up due to a wreck and this lane is an exit only must get over but bus will not allow it. I get over and off on 69 great slipping have to slow. Great 435 wreck slower. Steady fighting, questions, pleases, must have streams from the middle seat.
"GET YOUR SEAT BELT ON BEFORE YOU WISH YOU HAD......... FEMALE CHILD." "Stop licking your sister's arm, male child." "A 7 year old doesn't bite people, female child." " I can't reach into the bag right now to get your candy from the party, BOTH FEMALE AND MALE child." "No we can't afford to go buy drinks, female child."
Country county Kansas tag drives 30 mph in front of me. Misery tag cuts me off to get into turn lane beside me. Damn my need to keep a decent distance from the car in front of me. Holy Crap I forgot to get gas, E is it getting brighter? Let me see if I hold my head this way see the the dial thingy look like it is higher than E......... Misery thank the Lord. Pull over do math it is now 3:45 pm it will not go through until Wednesday I have _ dollars in bank account can put 8 in with 10 dollar overdraft waver I can can make it until Friday if I get 8 dollars tomorrow and then I can get 20 on Wednesday after 3 and it will not go in until Friday. Paid Friday.
Get to the husband's work. Oh I forgot his book, must sell today it is last day for buy back. Crap waste gas.
"No you can not go out and play in the pouring cold rain." ............................................... "No you can not go out and play in the pouring cold rain." ........................... '' NO YOU CAN NOT........." "Ok you get to go to bed as soon as we get home."
Male child, "Fine, I am moving in with said friend." "Ok male child let me pack you some stuff you want Handsome and Piggy right?"
The husband comes out at 4:05 pm. Noise level now million, trash shredded, questions after question. Please, I want. Rush home in traffic due to wrecks from of course the country county Kansas drivers and the Misery cut you off drivers. Get book. 4:30pm husband gets into school. Riot goes on in car. Me hitting my head on the steering wheel, while I imagine putting the Rioters off at the bus stop in front of me with a hitch hiking sign that gives the picker upper our address to bring them home. Oh and a price for me taking them back. 1 Million and they will find a way to get that after 30 minutes with them.
Insert below the fold opening paragraph happenings............................................
5:28 pm finds husband out. "Your buying me dinner with your windfall right?" "Sure, wife." Off to the grocery. Riot in the car cart. Finish and 6:19 finds us home.
Feed the wild animals and insert what is above the fold. Send the evil dictator and the whiny princess to bed.
A few things now. I haven't edited this yet so I am not done. It is now 9:30 pm. I started this at 7:00 pm. In between typing I have laid down with them 3 times. Sang 10 songs. Read a book. Tucked them in. Gave multiple huggykissys. As for the Male, Female thing. It is inside joke. See one time they were fighting so bad, I was about to have a stroke. I was so poed I forgot their names and shouted at them Male, Female blah blah blah.
This is a real day in the life of a semi employed SAHM. I hope I can make you laugh. I know I am now that I am reliving this day. Please don't think I am a bad mom, I love them but boy how I wish I could crawl in a cave for a few hours.
8:10 PM PT: Decided to say screw it and not edit. I think you will get the point. Grins