US troops somewhere killed a bunch of people for some reason. “It's all part of the Global War on Humans,” said a government spokesperson. “We're stepping that up this year. It's proving to be our most popular government program...more popular even than our Pepper-Spray Old Ladies and College Students in the Face program.”
The CIA officially refused to confirm or deny charges of skullduggery. “We're the CIA,” their spokes-spook said with an enigmatic smile. “Would we do something like that?”
John Boener, leader of the House Recalcitrants, announced that the House is going on strike and demanding a 200% salary increase, a top tax rate of 0% and Wall Street-style annual bonuses for Congress-critters in the million dollar plus range. He also wants the war on liberals made official. “There is no greater threat to the Republic than a bunch of bleeding hearts whining about the poor,” he said. “Oh the poor, the poor,” he mocked wiping non-existent fake tears from his eyes to the cheers of fellow Recalcitrants. “We're tired of living hand-to-mouth ,” he raged. “We want the Big Bucks and we're going to poop on America until we get it,” declared the Pooper, er, Speaker.
Meanwhile, the Senate is all puffed up over their success in passing the National Fascist Act. “Anybody who doesn't like it can go straight to Gitmo,” crowed a virtual chorus of Senatorial assholes. “We have finally solved the problem of democracy,” said some lame-ass Senator. “We got rid of it.”
In a momentous legal decision, the Supreme Court today declared that money is people. Legal scholars are scrambling to figure out what it means. Mitt Romney, not content to wait on legal analysis, immediately pronounced himself King of a bunch of money.
A dozen Occupy protesters were killed by a predator drone today along with a dozen or so innocent bystanders. “As long as we got some of those homegrown terrorists, the collateral damage is acceptable,” said a Pentagon spokesman. “You can't make an omelet without cracking a few eggs,” he said.
The American Medical Association today warned against breathing air or consuming food. “You'll live longer without either,” said their spokesperson.
And finally, Tea Party Recalcitrants introduced a bill today to make Jesus America's official mascot. “Now we have a country we can be proud of,” said some idiot.
Oh well. Will the last sane person out of America please hit the lights?
Peace Out
OPOL