From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
My 2012 Resolutions
Stretching my limits this year…
>> I shall find nice things to say about Congress. So far I've got, "Cool dome."
>> I shall make myself available as a strongman in any nation with plunderable resources.
>> I shall think more about world peace, economic justice and environmental health. Or sex, whichever comes first.
>> I shall open a C&J branch office at the other end of the couch.
>> I shall test the president's new authority to arrest and detain American citizens indefinitely without cause so I can enjoy some free chow and 'me' time.
>> I shall prepare for the End of the World (Dec. 21) by thoroughly cleaning our apartment so we don’t lose our security deposit.
>> I shall reduce the number of distractions in my life by
>> I shall try to see the world from Karl Rove's point of view by careening down the sidewalk while swinging a ball-peen hammer attached to a ten-foot rope.
>> I shall do more good deeds. Starting with deprogramming the old lady across the street from drooling whenever I ring her doorbell.
>> I shall watch my waistline. Specifically, I shall watch my waistline expand.
>> I shall be the first in the nation to call the winner of the 2012 presidential election.
[Looks at watch] Okay, I'm calling it. [Writes down winner's name and seals in mayonnaise jar until November 6] Suck on it, networks.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Note: Mark your calendar for the next New England Kossack meetup: February 18 at Margarita's in Portsmouth, New Hampshire from 1-4pm. RSVP to my partner Michael at cuckolds04103@gmail.com. On the agenda: accidentally flushing the agenda down the toilet. And eating.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the State of the Union Address: 20
Days `til the Palm Beach Poetry Festival: 12
Percent of Americans who view "progressive," "conservative" and "libertarian," respectively, in a positive light: 67%, 62%, 38%
(Source: Pew Research via Think Progress)
Estimated number of babies who will be born in the U.S. this year: 4 million
Approximate year China will send astronauts to the moon: 2025
(Source: The Guardian)
Percent increase in the S&P 500 in 2011, the smallest movement since 1970: 0.6%
Years since Oregon last won the Rose Bowl, which it did Monday 45-38 against Wisconsin: 95
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 3 Tribulation Temples and 1 new work of evil: The Hobbit). Soul Protection Factor 13 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: C&J's chocolate lab, Molly, will be disappointed to find out that she's only #6…
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CHEERS to January! Anyone who enjoys winter sports is in Heaven this month. And hot clam chowder on a frigid, snowy day is unbeatabe. Plus: Martin Luther King, Jr. Day! FDR's birthday! Australia Day! California Dried Plum Digestive Health Month! Same-sex civil unions now legal in Hawaii and Delaware! Too much fun! Don’t let it end!
JEERS to January. Fingers...numb. Make...end.
CHEERS to the best news of the day: "The Iowa caucus is over." Forgive me for writing this yesterday afternoon, but the outcome has been baked in the cake since the dawn of time, which brings me to the worst news of the day: the winner of the Iowa caucus is someone who, if elected president, will facilitate a double-dip recession, cause a spike in the unemployment rate, sign Medicare-killing austerity measures into law, and get steamrolled by a Second Coming of the neocons. The name attached to the individual is inconsequential. But, hey, Hawkeyes, thanks for the corn dogs. On to tax-free New Hamster!
P.S. Congratulations to President Obama, who initially appeared headed for defeat by President Obama 0%-100% before they realized they got the numbers switched, resulting in a miracle come-from-behind finish by President Obama over President Obama 100%-0%. The two will merge to become one Mighty Barackin Power Ranger and scare the evil Republican away. Sorry. Shoulda said "Spoiler alert."
CHEERS to the non-Stepford wife. A lot of ink has been (rightly) spilled over Sunday's edition of 60 Minutes, during which Leslie Stahl dared to reference the historical record---"Reagan compromised his principles by raising taxes a dozen times"---to Rep. Eric Cantor, causing an off-camera meltdown by the House Majority Leader's reality-averse press secretary. But my favorite moment was when Cantor sat rather uncomfortably at his wife's side while she confirmed that, yes, she's pro-choice and supports gay marriage. In fact, the first indication that they were two different people came early in their marriage. She vowed to be the wind beneath his wings and he vowed to be the blowout preventer under her offshore oil rig.
CHEERS to 84,904 square miles of madcap fun. Happy 115th Birthday to Utah--- also known as the "Beehive Hairdo State"---which entered the union on January 4th, 1896. The state animal is the Rocky Mountain Elk. The state bird is, oddly, the California Sea Gull. The state fossil: Orrin Hatch.
CHEERS to saving our celluloid. I can't believe that I only saw one movie in an actual theatre last year---Bridesmaids. (My rating: Four garter snaps and a supporting actress Oscar to Melissa McCarthy!) Meanwhile 25 movies from yesteryear have been inducted into the National Film Registry. Some of them---Forrest Gump, Bambi, The Silence of the Lambs---are mainstream blockbusters. Others are less known but just as important, such as:
Crisis: Behind a Presidential Commitment (1963) Robert Drew was a pioneer of American cinema-verite (a style of documentary filmmaking that strives to record unfolding events non-intrusively). "Crisis: Behind a Presidential Commitment" focuses on Gov. George Wallace’s attempt to prevent two African-American students from enrolling in the University of Alabama---his infamous "stand in the schoolhouse door" confrontation---and the response of President John F. Kennedy. The filmmakers observe the crisis evolve by following a number of participants, including Attorney General Robert F. Kennedy, Gov. Wallace and the two students, Vivian Malone and James Hood.
The Cry of the Children (1912) Recognized as a key work that both reflected and contributed to the pre-World War I child labor reform movement, the two-reel silent melodrama "The Cry of the Children" takes its title and fatalistic, uncompromising tone of hopelessness from the 1842 poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Shot partially in a working textile factory, "The Cry of the Children" was recognized by an influential critic of the time as "The boldest, most timely and most effective appeal for the stamping out of the cruelest of all social abuses."
Growing Up Female (1971) Among the first films to emerge from the women’s liberation movement, "Growing Up Female" is a documentary portrait of America on the brink of profound change in its attitudes toward women. Filmed in spring 1970 by Ohio college students Julia Reichert and Jim Klein, "Growing Up Female" focuses on six girls and women aged 4 to 34 and the home, school, work and advertising environments that have impacted their identities.
I remain confident that the all-time greatest movie ever---Cats and Dogs---will find itself nestled among the NFR's pantheon of greatness for its message of universal truth in a world gone mad: dogs drool, cats rule.
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Five years ago in C&J: January 4, 2007
CHEERS to the Fightin’ 110th. Today the Republican "Era of Lost Marbles" officially ends, and the "Era of Restored Sanity" begins as Democrats assume leadership of both chambers of Congress. USA Today says the House has an aggressive agenda to...
...increase the minimum wage and fund stem cell research. It also include[s] repealing tax breaks for oil companies, cutting interest rates for college student loans, adopting remaining recommendations of the 9/11 Commission and eliminating a ban on government negotiations for lower drug costs.
And then...lunch. [1/4/12 Update: Anyone seen the marbles? They seem to have disappeared again.]
CHEERS to an asswhuppin' from the great beyond. Gerald Ford dies and leaves a posthumous message for George W. Bush: "Dude, you’re an idiot..."
"Rumsfeld and Cheney and the president made a big mistake in justifying going into the war in Iraq. They put the emphasis on weapons of mass destruction," Ford said. "And now, I've never publicly said I thought they made a mistake, but I felt very strongly it was an error in how they should justify what they were going to do."
When informed of the comments the president said, "Gerald who?"
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And just one more…
JEERS to fulfilling our expectations. Like clockwork, the annual New Year's greeting for the 99% arrives via Boehner Post:
Dear Americans Who Are Not Rich Enough,
Can't afford health care? Screw you.
Want the food you eat to be safe? How quaint.
Want Social Security to be preserved? Good luck.
In foreclosure hell? La la la we can't hear you!
Concerned about the environment? Crybaby.
Want stronger unions? Fat chance, commie.
Unemployment benefits running out? Quit whining.
Muslim? Latino? Un-American!
Gay? Degenerate!
Black? Lazy moocher!
Looking for fresh new ideas? Move to Scandinavia.
Think you can count on us to stimulate job growth? Hell no you can't!
Reproductive freedom? We own your private parts, darlin'.
Don’t want the government to default on its debts? Too bad!
Want the rich to be taxed more? In a pig's eye.
Wish we'd put America's interests above our party's? Keep dreaming.
Love and Freedom Fries,
Your Republican House Majority
Celebrating Our Second Consecutive Year of Partying Like It's 1899
Please, sir. May we have another?
Strap yourselves in. This year could get a little bumpy. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine barely mentioned in GOP campaign
---AP
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