i grew up in a family of narcissists. i loved them, but when you are in the midst, unless you, too, are a narcissist, you simply don't exist. it does have it's advantages - one learns to be incredibly self-sufficient and to take care of one's needs - but it also means growing up with a feeling of being very alone... invisible.
i struck out on my life's adventure after graduating from college, then on to unc to become a costume designer and makeup artist. heading to nyc (via a short stint at teaching for six months) i realize that being alone in the middle of hundreds of thousands of people was awesome!
i could move into and out of many groups - be the eternal "watcher" and yet, move onward to another group without anyone noticing. my life was filled with incredible experiences professionally, but as an individual, i always felt on the outside of that window looking in.
i'm not complaining, though, as i loved to observe, feel, share in that world. but, it came with some risks. the one who had to take care of me was, well, me. as a single individual, i prided myself in my ability to adapt to almost any scenario and make ends meet - i was creative and clever and successful - not so much financially - that was always on the cutting edge - but successful in doing what i loved and being able to still pay for myself independently.
why this retrospective and why now? and why so personal? come beneath the squirrel tails and i'll share those answers.
up until reagan cut the funding to the arts, i was happily able to do what i loved best in the way i loved it... i could make the costumes for young dancers heading out to international competitions to try to start their careers by being "noticed". i made tutus for these kids at prices that were ridiculously low - half to a third cheaper than what the other two professional tutu makers charged. AND, to ensure they had the finest silks (WAY outside their budget) and swarovski crystals (again, out of reach for most), i did makeup for pbs and the soaps and temp work in the business world - which led me to a six-seven gig with cbs radio network news (in the days of cronkite, kuralt - a fellow tar heel like me, edwards, rather and many more).
i was at the top of my game and knew it. i felt great pride in what i did - and was exceedingly proud to be able to be a working artist in nyc and support myself. that, in itself, is no small accomplishment!
when reagan killed the small ballet and opera companies, within three months everything died. and with it, began my road to humility... but, still, i always bounced. i started doing that office work full time and ended up as a computer consultant for wang labs (yep, that oldy but goody) - until the doc died and they went under. from there, i had about a year trying to start a value added reseller for wang, until richard miller (corporate killer who decimated wang and walked away with millions!) killed that, too.
so, off to california... which is another long story for another day - but here, everything started to collapse. i stayed behind the curve from almost the day i arrived. and, even though there were 2 1/2 years selling acura (and being 1 of 6 in the country chosen as best presenter of the 2009 tl - complete with weekend in l.a. and vip seats at the le mans race in long beach), my ego stayed in tack..
like the little girl on the children's show "word girl" - i keep saying to myself "i am the BEST!" .
then reality sat in... and wouldn't leave.
i found that after leaving the car industry, the farmer's market where i'd sold my jewelry for over seven years is a shadow of its former self, there ARE no real venues out there to immediately walk back into and catch up - and catch up i needed to do.
after my mom died in february, i hit a depression that seemed to have no bottom and only had sheer walls on all sides. it wasn't until my landlord sadly told me that they couldn't carry me any longer and the stress on them was emotionally taking its toll.
i had let my own pride become a burden to other, good people's lives.
that's when i thought long and hard about writing a diary here to offer my jewelry. perhaps, i could sell enough to try to jumpstart catching up on what i owed. i figured i could try selling in person and if i could also sell something here through etsy, i might buy some time.
i asked for help in terms of selling $4,000, because, even then, i couldn't bring myself to admit i was $9,100 in arrears. i had $1,700 coming in with my last unemployment check and social security check, so i thought i could buy some extra time.
i've caught up with my board for all but two months - yes, they were also being very patient with me. and that is coming in this week.
why all this "personal" stuff now? because i wanted to let you all know that because of your kindness and love, i will be able to actually catch up by the end of this month!
you have taught me humility.
you have taught me that to ask for help is not a weakness.
you have taught me what true "family" means.
you have taught me what self-lessness means.
you have taught me what caring for strangers is all about - even though i don't think of us as strangers.
you have taught me that there is nothing shameful in admitting when one is in trouble and needs help.
but, most of all, you have taught me that you are all, indeed, the very best of what this community and this world has to offer.
this lesson, i've learned from all of you - from those who bought, from those who donated, from those who gave time, and from those who gave words of encouragement.
thank you all.
i am forever in your debt - and i WILL pay this forward! i owe this to each and every one of you.
i love you all - with the strongest and most powerful love of all - the love of community and family!