My mother wasn’t much for makeup.
Oh, she knew how to apply it – she’d worked the tech crew and done makeup for her college theater program – but she had excruciatingly sensitive skin and couldn’t use most cosmetics. Her sister may have ceremoniously presented her with a jaw of cold cream once she announced plans to marry my father in accordance with the old slogan “She’s lovely, she’s engaged, she uses Pond’s,” but the one time Mum actually tried it she got a nasty rash. The only makeup she could safely use was Clinique and the occasional lipstick by Clinique’s parent company Estee Lauder.
That, plus a curious lingering Puritanism, was why I was not allowed to use makeup until I was fourteen, when Mum gave me a tube of appropriately maidenly lipstick in a pale pink that looked very sweet but gave me the unfortunate appearance of having no lips. It wasn’t until I was sixteen that I was allowed to use the plums and roses that actually looked good with my coloring, and to this day I still don’t use eyeliner or mascara, much to my friend Tracy’s distress. Part of me would like to comply, but when one has eyelashes long enough that mascara leaves streaks on the inner surface of one's glasses, what’s a girl to do?
I’m similarly minimalist when it comes to my hair; after two disastrous attempts at perming my hair, one of which made me look like Lil’ Orphan Annie, the other of which frizzed to the approximate texture of a Brillo pad after three weeks, I’ve stuck with a simple ponytail or braid. I’m well aware that this makes me look like an aging graduate student, but better that than the cosmic horror that was my high school yearbook picture.
That’s not to say that I don’t occasionally seek advice on looking good. Tracy helped me find a makeup brand that covered the sun damage without wrecking my skin, and my BFF Barbara knows what clothing fits well and complements my coloring. Between the two of them, the fashion ads I Vanity Fair, and the lingering lessons from my aunt the shopaholic, I usually have enough of an idea of what’s in style and what isn’t to clean up pretty in public.
Despite this, or perhaps because of it, I’ve always been intrigued by makeovers, whether in the ubiquitous fashion magazines or on What Not To Wear. As much as the rational part of my brain recognizes that a large percentage of a makeover requires enough fuss and funds that the average woman will keep it up for about a month, tops, before she reverts to her old habits, I’m still fascinated by how cosmetics, a good haircut, and a new outfit can transform a person’s appearance enough that her nearest and dearest won’t recognize her.
With campaign season bearing down upon us like a warship on a fishing smack, it’s all but certain that many of us will find ourselves volunteering for a favorite candidate. The upcoming election is one that may well determine the course of America for generations to come, so it’s critical that we progressives put our best foot forward as we trudge through suburb and city, along country lanes and up staircases in trendy condo buildings. One of the most frequent insults slung by conservatives against progressives, especially women, is that we’re nothing more than sloppy, unwashed hippies, so what better time than the new year for a makeover that will make an undecided voter’s jaw drop straight to the floor the second he opens the door?
Tonight I offer not one, not two, not even three, but four – yes, four! - books to help all us female progressives start the New Year right. The first will get you back in fighting trim for those long, weary days of phone banking and wearing out shoe leather for your political candidate of choice. The second and third will help you spruce up your wardrobe and makeup just in time for your local primary and state conventions, while the last will help you find the perfect hairstyle for your new 2012 self!
Eat Right 4 Your Type, by Peter D'Adamo - the winter holidays are such a magical time: friends and family gather round, parties proliferate, and gifts pass from hand to hand. And of course there’s food: Thanksgiving turkeys, Christmas cookies, New Year’s canapés. Every family has its favorite recipes, from the seven fish feast of Italy to the stuffed butternut squash of vegetarians, Dickensian roast beef to steaming bowls of glögg. Some families, or so I hear, have even figured out that most mysterious of recipes, a way to make a fruitcake that’s actually edible!
Is it any wonder that so many of us wake up on January 1st and find that our clothes no longer fit? Does it surprise anyone that Americans begin (and end) more diets in January than in the rest of the year, or that the gyms are so crowded with folk determined to sweat off those extra holiday pounds? And is it news to anyone that those bright shiny resolutions to get in shape and once again look as if Lady Bird Johnson’s favorite dessert has ne’er crossed our lips give way to the reality that most of us don’t have the discipline to become vegans overnight, or exercise for the recommended hour each day?
Fear not! Peter D’Adamo, naturopath and researcher, has at long last found the key to lifelong good health and lasting weight loss! Forget Atkins or South Beach or even Weight Watchers – all you need to do is eat the proper foods for your blood type and you’ll be thinner than Calista Gingrich in no time!
D’Adamo’s pioneering discovery, based on the work of 1950s immunochemist and anthropologist William C. Boyd, is that human beings fall into thirteen different groups based on their ABO blood type. These groups all need different foods to sustain their unique blood chemistries:
- O blood, the oldest type, signifies descent from early hunters, so universe donors need to load up on as much protein as possible to feed their inner Nimrod.
- Type A blood originated in agrarian cultures, so eat up on delicious vegetables and leave the red meat to the O’s!
- B’s are descended from nomads, and since nomads ate a wide variety of fresh mare’s milk, fermented mare’s milk, mare’s blood, horse meat, goat meat, fresh goat milk, fermented goat milk, etc. foods, modern B’s should eat whatever they want, especially dairy products so their gut gets all that lovely lactose.
- AB blood, rare and new to the human animal, should eat a diet somewhere between the vegetables of the A’s and the milk of the B’s. Spanakopita, anyone?
Never mind that modern science has found nothing to suggest that any of this is true, or that the people most likely to have type B blood are also most likely to be lactose-intolerant. Forget clinical trials, or that the latest research indicates that type A is the oldest human blood grouping. Just eat right for your blood type and watch the pounds melt away!
The Woman's Dress For Success Book, by John T. Molloy - once you’ve reached your goal weight, it’s time to take a look in the closet and weed out anything that smacks of hippiedom, OWS, or the old counterculture. Conservatives always look good in their tailored suits and professionally cleaned shirts, so it’s time we progressives did likewise if we’re going to win over the undecided.
Forget those comfortable t-shirts with clever and amusing sayings. The way to achieve success is to look as if you’ve already achieved it, and how better than to wear a crisp new suit in respectable navy blue or a flattering charcoal gray? Finish off the look with silk scarf or a perky little tie, and you’ll look so elegant the Republicans down the block will stop sneering for good!
Think about it! As comfortable as those old jeans and Birkenstocks may be for tromping door to door, the best way to reassure Mr. and Mrs. Romneysupporter in Apt. 42 that you aren’t about to occupy their living room is to put on a conservative blue skirted suit (preferably wool), slingback pumps with a moderate heel, and a soft blouse with a matching floppy bow. You’ll look like a young executive on the rise, not a heedless youngster who doesn’t know what fork to use, and who needs that?
Color Me Beautiful, by Carole Jackson - One thing you must keep in mind as you select your new wardrobe is that the right color can make all the difference between knocking ‘em dead and actually looking dead. Too many women (and sometimes men, too!) wear makeup and clothing that makes them look years older, and not in a good way, all because they don’t know the thirty best colors for their season!
That’s right, season. Carole Jackson, color consultant, first developed her system of dividing humans into four separate color types based on the seasons almost forty years ago. Race and ethnicity doesn’t matter; the same general principles apply to all of us, and woe betide the woman (or man) who wears the wrong color for her season!
- Cheerful, bright Springs, such as Cameron Diaz or Kate Hudson, look just yummy in colors like watermelon, salmon, and turquoise.
- Delicate, understated beauties like Reese Witherspoon or Princess Grace are Summers. They maintain their serenity best in soft, muted pastels like sage and rose.
- Golden, earthy, exotic Autumns shine in earthy tones like moss green, terra cotta, or rust, just like Marcia Cross or Jennifer Lopez.
- Crisp, distinctive Winters should follow the example of Elizabeth Taylor or Eva Longoria and stick to bold blacks, whites, reds, or jewel tones.
There are thirty perfect colors for each of these seasons, and once you've discovered them with the book (published in 1987 and frequently updated), all you need is a few sessions with a CMB consultant, makeup from CMB's own line of cosmetics, and scents from CMB's convenient on-line shop, you'll be the hit of your precinct in no time!
Shake Your Head, Darling!, by Jose Eber - The crowning touch to the new you is of course a new hairstyle, and there I must admit that men have it easier. A quick visit to the barber for a trim or a full cranium shave, a tasteful black elastic to tuck long hair back into a Jeffersonian queue, or a short, clean cut, and the average man will look positively presidential.
Alas, women are not so lucky. Hairstyles vary so much, and are so identified with certain political/ethnic/gender identities that the wrong move can have the Republicans at the local mall sneering at a young mother with hair short enough for a Northampton activist. Ponytails and braids smack too much of graduate school, processed hair is hard to maintain, Republicans have the sprayed-and-backcombed look cornered…so what’s a poor progressive to do?
Lucky for us, Jose Eber, hairstylist to the stars, knows exactly what to do!
For those not familiar with Jose Eber or his long, distinguished career, he’s the brilliant, charismatic stylist-to-the-stars who’s appeared on everything from Good Morning America to Nightline sharing hairstyle and makeup tips. Beginning with an apprenticeship at a Parisian salon at the tender age of 15, Eber, almost never seen without his signature cowboy hat and long hair, has scaled the heights of hairdressing success, always working to bring out a woman’s inner beauty.
Here are but a few of his most famous clients:
- Farrah Fawcett, the golden girl who inspired a generation of girls to layer and perm their hair into a cromquembouche a mane of glorious curls!
- Cher, who abandoned her long, straight, boring hair for wild, towering black curls that looked like they’d been styled with an eggbeater.
- Jacklyn Smith, Farrah Fawcett’s co-star on Charlie’s Angels, who did for brunettes what Farrah did for blondes.
- Elizabeth Taylor, who traded her 1960s bouffant for oh-so-stylish raven spikes.
And though Eber’s philosophy of layered cuts, loosely towering perms, and flowing locks that looked best with a mere shake of the head was most influential in the 1980s, some of his most storied clients have remained loyal to his ethos; Cher still seems to have stuck her finger in a light socket wears her hair big and loose, while the late Elizabeth Taylor was last seen in public with what appeared to be a nest of sea urchins a flawlessly spiked Eber cut framing her famous violet eyes.
Shake Your Head, Darling! and the follow up video, “Why Do I Call You Sexy?” are hard to find these days, but thanks to the magic of Alibris and Youtube, it’s possible for you, yes, you! to experience the magic of a Jose Eber haircut without the expense and bother of flying out to Rodeo Drive for a session with the master. All you need is a home perm kit, a well ventilated room, and a bottle or two of spray mousse, and you’ll be all set!
And there you have it, the complete Books So Bad They’re Good 2012 makeover plan! Once you’ve eaten like a caveman, put on a stylish suit and floppy tie in your very best seasonal colors, and had your hair styled to perfection, you’ll be all set!
Who says that only Republicans know how to look good?
Readers & Book Lovers Series Schedule
DAY |
TIME (EST/EDT) |
Series Name |
Editor(s) |
SUN |
3:00 PM (intermittent) |
The Magic Theater |
ArkDem14 |
SUN |
6:00 PM |
Young Reader's Pavilion |
The Book Bear |
SUN |
9:30 PM |
SciFi/Fantasy Book Club |
quarkstomper |
MON |
7:00 PM |
Monday Murder Mystery |
Susan from 29 |
TUE |
8:00 PM |
Readers & Book Lovers Newsletter |
Limelite |
WED |
7:30 AM |
WAYR? |
plf515 |
WED |
8:00 PM |
Bookflurries: Bookchat |
cfk |
THU |
2:00 PM (bi-weekly) |
eReaders & Book Lovers Club |
Limelite |
THU |
8:00 PM |
Write On! |
SensibleShoes |
FRI |
9:00 AM |
Books That Changed My Life |
etbnc, aravir |
FRI |
10:00 PM (first of month) |
Monthly Bookposts |
AdmiralNaismith |
SAT |
9:00 PM |
Books So Bad They're Good |
Ellid |